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female
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anonymous
writes: I have a friend. We were intimate 20 years ago to be exact, it was something that happened for a period of time while I was married (but separated) and when it came to a head, my husband finding out and the escalation to almost physical confrontation. We sort of drifted apart, of course I moved on. Through the years we have maintained a friendship not intimate but platonic. He has flirted with me continuously throughout the years but nothing was acted upon. We lived many miles apart two different countries. Two years ago he offered me a job working for him and required relocating. Now that I am working for him I have realized that I am in love with him. I have expressed this to him by email. As well as he is always flirting with me in a sexual manner. So, recently I asked him if he was interested in me more than a platonic friend and his response was NO. Since then, though he has been asking and doing things more so than before that appear to be interest over and above platonic friends. What should I do? It appears that he is constantly giving me mixed signals and I want to know whether I should ignore him and just try my best to get over my feelings. Should I tell him that at this point some of the things he does gives me mixed signals and ask him to stop?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2005): It's always much better to be perfectly honest in all friendships and relationships. So sit down and have a one-on-one talk with him about his sexual overtures, and ask him to stop if he doesn't really want things to go further than friendship. Sometimes sexual arousal is so strong, it takes over your rational senses. Perhaps you do admire him and find him very attractive, but it doesn't sound like true love. And perhaps he finds you sexually attractive, but deep down, knows that it wouldn't work out in a love relationship.
I have had male friends with whom I've flirted, but wouldn't want an actual relationship with. Sex with a friend feels more safer than with someone new, because you know the person. But try not to let your feelings get hurt because it's nothing more than a physical attraction.
In the meantime, enjoy the attention, but don't take it too seriously. Try to go out on dates with other men to get your mind off of your friend. I wish you all the best to find your true love!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2005): Hun, he sounds like a very manipulative man. Usually the signs of a very insecure person. Manipulators enjoy making uncertain commitments and then they artfully evade responsibility for their actions. I have dealt with a few guys like this in my life and the best thing I ever did was dropping them 'totally' out of my life. These guys create confusion and blame others for misinterpreting the mixed messages they send. Trying to figure out this guy will prove to cause you further anxiety and stress, you don't need.
You have two options here. Ignore him but that will not likely make him go away? Option two, is to tell him to stop playing these mindgames with you. He is playing with your emotions and that is disrespectful and says a lot about what kind of "ass" he really is. (How can you love a man like this?) Be ready though, these guys are slick-he will not take accountability for what he's doing and will likley turn it around by 'blaming' you for misreading his intents. Working for him does not help...I suggest you start looking for work elsewhere or you will be shortchanging yourself from healing and getting him out of your life and moving on. Forget him and go find a man who is honest, doesn't play headgames and has some integrity and respect for you. In any relationship, friendships, love relationships, and so on-everyone deserves to be treated with respect and you should expect honesty. I wish you luck, my dear and get tough with this guy. Take Care.
Hugs,
Irish
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