A
female
age
36-40,
*rshly
writes:My boyfriend of two years and I have broken up before, at the time our conflicts were getting really really bad. I know I have made the arguement worse many times, I have a dry sarcastic nature that hits him in just the right way, but there are times when I don't feel I was bad enough to make him yell, say things that are degrading, or hit the wall and shake me. [ONCE]I moved away and several months later we started to talk again. Things went well for a long time, we talked about all the areas in a relationship that made it fail. He decided he wanted to get back together, and I still do honestly feel like he's grown up in so many ways [me as well].I've been living with him again since March, and just recently things are starting to make me cautious. The past two nights our arguements have progressed to what they used to be. When I am upset about something, I like to be by myself and think things through, but in the heat of the moment he won't let me leave the room and forces me to lay in the bed with him. After that, he is all lovey-dovey again while I stay awake for hours angry and depressed.I read that verbal abuse is when one partner tries to control the other through various emotional and psycological means. I don't know how to talk to him about this. I'm afraid to tell him that I believe it's verbal abuse, becuase he WILL flip out and he WILL get angry. I don't want to offend him by making him think I look at him as "daddy beats mommy" kind of guy, I just want him to be aware of his actions becuase he scares me.I am an independent woman and very happy on my own, but I love this man and I want to show him what is wrong - not just run away from it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): ...I know nothing of dry sarcastic natures...:) are you a cancer by chance?
anyway - how will this progress? are you going to be controlled and locked down in this manner forever? is that what you want? how will this change?
its not going to get better unless you talk to him and explain - if you can't or he won't change (or both of you won't change) then you have a choice to make. counselling might help.
i think you say you are unhappy...."why?" ..."because you cant talk, move or breath and you are scared"
really though you have one life, why are you wasting time with someone who wants a doll to control?
Hugs Star.x.
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (24 July 2009):
 To be honest, this doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship, and I think the patterns of behaviour you two have here are unlikely to change much. Sorry to say this, but I think things will only get worse. He is obviously quite emotionally manipulative, and forcing you to stay in bed next to him after an argument, etc, is over bearing. It is also quite possible that one time his shaking or wall-hitting will become the odd swipe at you, or worse.
I understand your instinct to fix this, but I suspect he won't be open to what you have to say. Your only option is to say that unless he takes you seriously and calmly listens to what you have to say, you will leave. Which will also annoy him. Which is why I just think the whole thing isn't good - you can't have safe and honest dialogue with him.
You wouldn't be running away from anything. You would be making an informed decision not to invest any more in an unworkable relationship.
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