A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I'm here to complain (and search for some ideas) about my mother. = The backstory =I'm an only son, my parents divorced when I was 5. It happened because my dad went off to search for love elsewhere and my mum found out.My mum is the eldest of five sisters, she became the self appointed thinking head of the house since my grandad, coming from the old-school of doing things, only arrived home to rest, not listen, not help.My mum has always been very possessive of me, even more when my dad left.= The issue =I'm now 25, working part time, taking my final courses in university, going to the gym and enjoying life with my girlfriend of 7 years. However, I still live at home since I can't yet pay my own place until I finish studying.My mum treats me like I'm 5, she prepares my food, she washes my clothes, she does my bed, she cleans my room, she nags and complains that I don't do what she says. Lately it's becoming problematic. I'm capable of making my own decisions, making my own mistakes and handling them how I think they should be handled, but she constantly forces me to do things her way. She still calls me 'kiddo', asks me to send her messages when I'll be arriving home late and asks me to spend more time with her. Now she's even competing with my girlfriend since both of them are working on the same area. My mum somehow feels threatened by the fact that my girlfriend is much better than her at this job (my girlfriend is younger, has just left university and she's a very bright, well travelled girl) so whenever I say something about how good my girlfriend is, my mum doesn't put her down, but she does feel annoyed. Now she's even having fits of anger. Today my mum gave me an excerpt of her job asking for help, but expecting me to do it for her (so she can show off that it's better than what my girlfriend has done).I feel like my mother is acting irrationally and I'm tired of her complaints about me being selfish for 'not caring' about her quirks. = The question =Is my mum's behaviour the problem? Is my girlfriend the problem? Am I the problem? How can I get this sorted out?Thanks a lotAt least I managed to vent this out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): nobody is able to tell u if the problem is u,yr mom or yr girl or two or u or all three,most possibly.but one thing i can say for sure true. as long as she feeds u and gives u her services,u must obey by her rules. its only natural and wait to see one day yr 25 old son wnats to be his own house fed and serviced by u.so generrally speaking its all yr fault. if u want to be yr own man think of what own men do. they have their own money their own place and do things for them themselves or pay for them being done. u are not an own man. u are in a possition of a kid of yr mother. nothing changed since the times u were the kid in age. u still use the services from yr mother and expect her to treat u as yr onw man. why should she? her fault is in that she is not generously giving u her house and her service for nothing. is she a bad mother for that,i dont know. i suppose most would say she is. but i believe she is not thou i would probably be the same as she is but if and when i saw that my son suffered suffocation i would give up and let him USE ME. but i would not do him a service doing this.and finally i believe yr girl is innocent in this. the fault is actually all yrs.i have a son and i dont like my daughter in law much nor does she me. but i help them every way i can,cooking and holding the baby whenever i can. i live some other place. so one would expect me to blame yr girl too. but i am not cos its between u and yr mother. u are a user.so i suggest u move out and start everything on yr own. then ull see that things cost and that services cost. so then ull either pay the costs or do things on yr onw. or make yr girl yr mom. if she lets u...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): I think shes this way because you are the most precious thing she has. When your father decided to 'search for love' as you so quaintly put it. He broke the heart of a fiercly loyal person. Your mother. She may not have loved wisely by the sound of her but ive no doubt she loved well. It must have been a terrible time for her. So what did she do? She couldnt deal with the rejection properly she just transferred every drop of love to you. Her son....and carried on. You would never leave her, shame her or throw her love back in her face. Basically you became her little man.
Now shes trying to compete with your girlfriend for you. She has to learn to let you go but i think she is going to find that difficult and may get angry with you when the time comes for you to leave home. She could swing from behaving like a domineering matriarch to behaving like an abandoned 'used and discarded' broken hearted mother. She will not only be dealing with your departing but also the feelings she buried long ago when your father left. Quite a mixed bag of emotions which will indeed make her appear unstable at times.
Its no ones 'problem' its just how things are. All the time you live with her in her home, you have to abide by her rules and respect her. Youve enjoyed her care and the stability she has given you. Its enabled you to study and have a home where youve been very well looked after. So try and remember that and be grateful. Many in your place would have had to drop studying and get a job straight after school to help finacially at home. A friend of mine had to give up a place with a football team to get work straight away and help 'support' his mother when he turned 16. No studying or football for him! Another lived at home until he was 27 and was virtually keeping his mother before he broke free and left. These things are quite normal for many only children. By comparison it sounds as if you were well cared for and all your mother asked in return was your time. Not a bad trade off for a good home. Im sure you could have left earlier and scratched a living working between days at Uni. Many put themselves through Uni that way. But obviously you chose not to because you were more comfy at home! And who can blame you! I wish i could go home, have no financial worries (which would be bliss) AND have my mum look after me so well lol.
Your mother knows the time for you to leave is approaching. So emotionally she may tend to become even more overbearing but be patient with her. Try to remain respectful and reassure her. Once you have left home things will be better for you. Your mother wont want to drive you away, so im sure she will come to her senses and modify her behaviour to a level thats more acceptable.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 Buy her a dog..
A really cute tiny puppy that needs her all.
Tell your GF to say to her she's the greatest mom ever.
Sounds ridiculous but will calm her fears and anxiety.
But ASAP get your own place.
It's hell on moms who become empty nesters, but eventually they find a new life for themselves.
It's hard to surrender their one and only to the world.
Just tell her often that you love her and give her a kiss and hug. Thank her for raising such a great smart boy.
That'll do it. Honestly it will do it.
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