A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay i need some help with this one. I've been with my boyfriend just over a year. We're in a long distance relationship between the Uk and the US and ive just spent 5 months over there with him. (Let me explain the story) He split up with his ex girlfriend 2 years ago and then met me when i was on holiday. We swapped info and stayed in contact over the internet. 2 Months later he was deployed to Iraq. We never spoke that much but after 4 months in Iraq, he emailed me and we talked all day everyday since. After about 3 months we declared we loved each other. In the time we were talking, his ex found out about me and emailed me abuse constantly for about a week. My bf told me to ignore her, So i did. When he returned from Iraq in the september i flew over to the US and spent a month with him. Again she emailed me crap whilst i was there saying that they're still together and i need to take a hike. (I was with him all day everyday for a month, so i dont know how they could be together). Anyways i went home and he came to the UK for xmas and my family loved him. His ex found out he was coming 2 the Uk and caused more drama, telling me they're going on a cruise for Xmas and stuff. I then flew there in the January and i have just come home. She stalked me whilst i was there, she just sat in the car park watching the house (we only found this out when i came home, she told my bf) and she emailed me more abuse and constantly called my bf at night saying shes coming over. (she never did).Now im home, shes stalking my facebook (eventho ive blocked her) and ive had to change my email to get away from her. My bf blocked her on his phone, but she keeps changing numbers or calling off another phone. Another problem is that his mum and sisters still talk to her. They have now blocked me on facebook and i dont know why. His family live in a different state so ive never met them, and hes not that close to them. im just so confused to why everything is on my shoulders? I tell my bf i cant cope with all the drama, and he says to ignore everything and that he loves me and wants to be with me. I'm just so lost with what to do.Sorry for writing so much, but i could really do with some advice. Thanks!
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ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, long distance, on holiday, split up, stalking, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): Sorry to burst your bubble, but I would say there's probably more going on between your boyfriend and his "ex" than you think. I doubt she's just going crazy over a guy who isn't responding to her...
A
female
reader, Jessmca +, writes (29 May 2010):
 I would get the popo (police) involved in this for harassment. That's all you need :) I've had situations like that before, no worries!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 Sorry to hear about your situation. I think his ex is probably mentally disturbed if she feels the need to take things this far. I think the best way to deal with the situation is to feel sorry for her. I honestly think that is what your boyfriend is saying when he says 'ignore her'. Just because she is unstable does not mean that she doesn't present a threat to you or your partner. She certainly exhibits many characteristics of the classic stalker profile. I am assuming from your post that she lives in the US. It is very important that both you and your boyfriend ignore her by not entering into any form of communication directly with her but save any emails or texts or letters that she sends. If she calls from anonymous numbers just hang up without entering into any dialogue. You can telephone British Telecom (or whoever provides your phone services) as they have a department dealing with harassment.
Talking to her gives her an audience for her obsessive behaviour as she has a disturbed frame of mind. I think it is important that you and your boyfriend seek legal advice in your respective countries. In both places an injunction could be put in place to prevent her from contacting you or your boyfriend. However the courts would require evidence - documentary or witnesses - to back up an allegation. If you could persuade your boyfriend it would be helpful to report this matter to the police in both countries. Clearly she does not present a physical threat to you while you are in the UK, but when you visit America to see him it is a different matter. It is clear this is having an emotional impact on you even if you are in the UK and she is in the US. One way to persuade your boyfriend might be to say that she is clearly in need of professional help. By putting her behaviour under the nose of law enforcement agencies it is possible that she may get the treatment that she needs. Your boyfriend won't be unique as a target for her obsession - she may well have a history of abnormal stalker behaviour with men and their subsequent partners. Anything that upsets you to this degree requires action, whether it be with your boyfriend's blessing or not.
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A
female
reader, loveexpert23 +, writes (29 May 2010):
Okay,first thing you need to do is call the police. She's just doing this because she still has feelings for him and is trying to make your life hell because she's jealous. You need to stop this and call the police because nothing can get in the way with the one you love. My advice is to listen to your heart. there is nothing else you can do but listen to it. Thats the purest thing in love.
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