A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for less than a year. We have a long distance thing at the moment, but we've met and have established that we're dedicated to each other. But (argh why must there be a but!) he's so emotionally detached and generally cold sometimes. It used to be like once a month or every few months now its more regular. I know he's tired from work and stuff but it really hurts when he's so cold towards me. I've tried mentioning this isnt working and he doesnt seem willing to try to fix things - i guess he thinks theyre fine. He's the type of person thats very withdrawn like his friends know pretty much nothing about him so I'm thinking perhaps this isnt going to work, just by that aspect of his personality. I dont know what to do! I don't want to lose him but I find myself getting depressed by our relationship regularly now. What do you advise?
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female
reader, lily lousia  +, writes (22 September 2007):
oh dear, if you are in a relationship that is making you depressed it is not a good sign.
maybe your man has been hurt before so is afraid it will happen again if he allows himself to get close with anyone.
or maybe if he has lacked love and affection growing up, so he doesnt know how to show you the warmth and love you crave.
you need to tell him how you are feeling, and ask him how he feels about your relationship, what he wants from it and where he sees you heading in the months that follow.
at the end of the day, you need to ask yourself, do you want to be in love and in a long term relationship with a man who cannot give you the warmth, love and affection you crave.
You may love him now, but in time i can see this turning to a relationship of only lonliness and resentment.
good luck
lily
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): I had the same thing with my bf. He was very cold and distant and emotionally unattached. It was like drawing hens teeth trying to get him to talk. We've been together a year now and I've been patient with him, which has paid dividends. At the beginning, like you, I used to get depressed about it, but I knew I loved him and was willing to wait. We now have a great relationship and through me being very open with him about lots of things, I find he now is comfortable enough with me to do the same. He's just very shy and had a childhood trauma, so I'm glad I had the patience.
Good luck and hope it works out
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