A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I’m really upset right now and I’d appreciate some help.I’ve been with this guy for about 7 years. We met in college and I moved to the states in 2015, pregnant with his child. I admit he made sure to keep in touch with me as much as possible and I felt supported and encouraged all through my pregnancy, birth, homelessness and starting all over. Right now I’m going to school while caring for the baby, he’s been trying to join me here but it’s been hard. Right now we waiting for an interview for his visa, if all goes well he’ll join us in about a month. The issue I’m having with him is that every weekend his phone is off, he’s unreachable. This has been happening for so long, for years. He still lives at home with his parents. I’ve complained we’ve fought about it, but nothing has changed. According to him it’s no big deal, he says he relaxes at home, finishes up projects, takes walks, or they have visitors at home sometimes. This issue has made me so insecure I end up imagining the worst is happening. I’ve accused him of seeing someone else which he has denied. I’m really at my wits end with this issue. I’m alone with our son and weekends remind me how lonely I am. I hope and expect to hear from him but nothing. I cry almost every weekend. He has tried to contact me but normally it’s at night, after the fun time of his weekend is done. Like Sunday night. I just feel that he spends his weekends with some girl then talks to me during the week. He can actually text me for hours during the week but forget about that on the weekend.I don’t even know why I’m with him I’m scared to be alone, who else will want me with my child? I’m really upset about all this please help.
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female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (31 July 2018):
 You don't love him you said yourself you're lonely and scared to be alone.. which is why you FEEL you can't break the last thread and cut him lose. But you CAN!
He isn't worth having around. A guy that cared for his girl is going to want to BE WITH HER. He doesn't give any time to his girl and child , lives with his parents, can't even COMMIT to the mother of his child after 7 years??? What kind of "man" is he??
You deserve better and you know it. Even if you truly loved him (rather than just being emotionally dependent on him)- well i think I'd rather live without love- if this is the life it subjected me to! Like Andie said you're SO UNHAPPY.
THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE LOOKS LIKE. Or ANY healthy relationship!
So make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life and start looking at the POSITIVES. You have a beautiful child.. the miracle of LIFE. A sweet vulnerable part of you that will ALWAYS be a part of you, will look to you for comfort protection and LOVE. You're wasting your emotions on the wrong person here..
You're studying too- even though your pain you're still trying to improve yourself. That's commendable- give yourself praise for that. Start showing yourself SELF LOVE.
What Andie said about joining mother social groups is perfect for you because you all have that in common, and many will be having any of the same struggles or coping issues you may gave. There's 7 billion or so people on this earth start making connections with people. At the moment you're just driving yourself mad and making yourself ILL.
As for him- look at him as a wallet to find your child's wellbeing. That's all he NEEDS to be. I don't know what your original nationality is, and what laws apply to you now but but MAKE SURE he does his duty as a father- look up any citizens advice type places in the US and see if they can advise you or put you in touch with anyone that can help.
DO NOT give up getting that paternity form him- in many many countries he's (rightfully so) legally required to provide for his kid. He sounds like such a deadbeat, honestly. LEAVE him to keep living his loser existence.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): HiLots of women with children meet future partners, don't think that you have to stay in this 'relationship' any longer for fear of being alone.I know how this feels and I only stuck it for about six weeks. I was in bits. I thought I really, really like this man, maybe even love him, but I cannot live like this and so ended it. It was really hard, but I felt SO relieved that I didn't have to keep thinking about this man and whether he was going to get in touch or not. I imagined the worst too and every week on a Monday when he suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, I thought he must be seeing someone else. I do actually doubt it now in hindsight, but if I trusted him that little, what was the point? I imagine you will need to be in touch with him for the sake of his and his son's relationship together, but if you want to stop this torture, could you finish with him? Ask him to not be in touch with you, but you will be available to talk about child support and visits for your son? Anything is better than living like this, but I really think you will be pleasantly surprised at how much better you will feel and how quickly that will happen once you've taken this sadness away. As far as I can see he contributes absolutely nothing to your happiness anyway. Quite the opposite in fact. Have faith in life and in yourself. I'm sure you have a lot to offer other people. Make friends through activities for children. Other women may well be very happy to have someone to talk to. Don't sell yourself so short. Who knows what he's doing, but the fact that you have told him how you feel and he hasn't changed tells you a lot about how important you are to him really. So he's on a walk? Relaxing at home? Does that mean that he can't contact you if he wants to? Of course not. My advice is to finish this torture, that actually gives you nothing, and be happy again. And you will be. And when you are, you won't know why you stuck this for so long.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2018): I'm really sorry. You're struggling and you've been through a lot. Taking care of a baby alone is tough. If you go to school; it might be tougher trying to find someone to mind the child. You don't mention how you support yourself.
From all indications, there isn't much that can be done; due to the distance between you. You don't really define the relationship with the guy other than the fact you have a child with him. If he's not your husband; the only real connection you have is a child.
If you're between 30-35, I will assume he's in that age-group too. If he's that old, and living at home with his parents; you really don't have a reliable situation working in your favor. He's obviously not going to sit home on weekends. If he hasn't married you in the span of 7 years; my guess is that his parents are the main reason he even bothers to stay in communication at all. I believe they might make him stay in-contact; but nothing much beyond that.
If he loved you and your kid; you'd be together by now. Some way, some how! Fathering children doesn't necessarily make men feel morally-obligated to take care of them, or stay with their mothers.
You don't offer any information about where you're from; regardless of that, I find it hard to figure-out what it is you believe you have going-on with this guy?
Being upset isn't going to cut the mustard; because you obviously can't make him do anything. I don't think a guy still living at home with his parents is in any hurry to take-on the responsibility of supporting a family. Seven years is a long-time holding-on to hope.
Honestly, I don't really know what it is you're holding-on to; when your only connection and contact is between two digital-devices. Does he even send you any money?
You're going to have to support yourself, and your child. You may have to give-up on the guy; because I think he's stringing you along. I don't know what you're expecting anyone to tell you. He's a US citizen, and you're not. He has made no effort to bring you and his child to America.
If it wasn't for guilt or probably his parents; you probably wouldn't hear from him at all. Being a father wasn't in his plans. Knowing you don't have American citizenship; he can play the delayed-visa excuse for a very very long time. If he lives with his parents; that tells me he's either lazy, or not earning enough money to travel back and forth to another country. You just won't face reality.
What will he do for work if or when he moves to your country? If he's an American on a travel-visa, he can't stay too long. He doesn't have a job waiting for him there to sponsor a work-visa; to allow for an extended-stay. At most, he can spend only a few days or weeks; and has to return to America. If he has a job in the United States, he will have to return to it. Leaving you and the child behind.
You're going to have to face the reality. You're going to have to work and support yourself, and your child. As a single-mother! What are you waiting for? Stop holding onto the false-hope this guy is going to come along and rescue you. That child is now your sole-responsibility. Your make-believe relationship with this guy is stressing you out.
You're torturing yourself and worrying over things you have no power over; and he's playing you along. You're going to have to stop "being upset" and take responsibility for yourself. You have a child, that's your reality. He is not in that reality; except for the fact you can reach him a few days out of a week. You're worlds apart from a guy still living with his parents...in his 30's!
Maybe he's waiting for you to just give-up. Crying isn't doing you any good. Focus on your school; and get yourself a part-time job if you can juggle it all. These are unfortunate circumstances; but your problem is you won't face the reality of your situation.
How and when do you expect to be together? On what evidence do you rest that upon? What kind of official-relationship or commitment do you have with this guy, besides having his child?
You need a job. Regardless of what he will or won't do, you have a child to support. He's not going to change anything for you. You've had seven years to see that. You can spend your weekends crying, torturing yourself, and making believe you are in a relationship.
What it all boils down to is this; you're going to have to come to terms with your situation. You've got to survive somehow, without him.
Nobody can make him do anything. He was simply the wrong guy to get pregnant by. You live in different countries. He can do whatever he wants; because you're not around to see or to stop him. So, find a way to get legal child-support; and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 July 2018):
 OP, you're not happy. You need to find ways to make yourself happy. Join a group for mums and toddlers. Make some friends. Go for walks and picnics with your son. Find a way to access adult conversation.
Maybe you and "this guy" (strange thing to call the father of your child and someone you've been with for SEVEN years) aren't going to last, but you need to learn how to be happy as a singe mum - you've been doing it for a couple of years now. See a doctor if you think you may be distressed or need more support.
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