A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Been dating a man for about 4 months. He has been divorced for 2 years, I've never been married. We have really hit it off, and have had really wonderful dates together....constantly texting...have long telephone conversations several times a week....During the past few weeks, he has begun to "back off" and make comments like "I don't want to fall in love..." "I'm not ready for a relationship" etc. I have never pushed for any form of committment and have been totally sympathetic to the fact that he has a ton of fears that stem from his divorce and how incredibly difficult the whole process after the divorce was for him. Then for 2 weekends (we have been going out every weekend since we met--and b/c of our work schedules and the distance between us, we really can't meet during the week) he has been "busy with friends, work etc." and we haven't gone out. In the meantime he has been initiating texts and phone calls and all has been really "normal" and actually "great" in our communications...yet no mention of going out. Then two days ago he tells me that he has realized that he is not ready to be in a dating relationship and especially to take things further than where we are at right now. He attributes it to not being ready due to issues he is still struggling with, and it having nothing to do with me...he says he is not ready to date anyone. And he didn't realize that until things started heating up between the two of us and he started to have issue and unresolved feelings start to crop up again...The catch is that he does not want to cut me off completely. He would like to continue communicating with me like we have been and even meeting for lunch / coffee dates here and there, but doesn't want to be in a position where all of the romantic / sexual feelings crop up and we pursue it (i.e. kissing, my sleeping at his place etc). Now I know that he is the type of man that would tell me "I've lost interest...and I just don't think you are the one" if that were the case. He would...but he is telling me that it is him that cannot handle pursuing a relationship right now, but that he really likes me, and would hate to lose me from his life. He told me that he thinks about me every day, that he finds himself constantly wanting to share little things that happen to him with me, that he has shared things with me that only very few people know or no one knows about, and that he definitely wouldn't be talking with me for hours at a time if he didn't really enjoy it and look forward to talking with me. I just don't think he would be telling me that he "doesn't want to fall in love..." if he didn't feel that it was a possibility with me, and obviously that scares him to death!!! He's so afraid of intimacy right now! He's fought the fear, but it now seems to have won him over! I just don't know what to do from here...I'm obviously invested and my feelings are invested, but I recognize that it may not be the healthiest thing for me to hold on to hope. He tells me that things could change for him soon, but that he can't obviously make any guarantees, b/c he himself is surprised by all of his current responses and fears and going back to the memories of the hurt after the divorce. He's worked hard at moving on...and has discovered he's not quite there yet. So, what do I do when and if he does text me and /or call me? He may or may not...I'm not ready to let go here, but my quandry is "can I be a friend and let that take it's course with the possibility of there being more in the long run or not..." I know that at some level only I can answer that but any feedback or advice would be appreciated! I feel despair creeping in b/c I really like this guy...yet I clearly know that his feelings are his feelings and I can't change them! But he does like me...Help! Many thanks!!!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): Now I know that he is the type of man that would tell me "I've lost interest...and I just don't think you are the one" if that were the case.
Really? Rethink that one! There isn't a man out there who would actually say it like that. Instead they will complain about being hurt in the past, say they aren't ready, are too scared...and then pull away.
He wants you around here and there because it makes him feel less alone. He wants to be able to keep you as an ego boost until he finds that one woman who he pictures falling in love with. He told you that woman isn't you and he's showing you that woman isn't you!
The only way you end up alone is to not put yourself out there to men who want relationships by avoiding them or by wasting time with men who DON'T WANT YOU like this man.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 August 2011):
 Every single man is in between relationships and is afraid of intimacy at the beginning. If you move on every time just because a man says these classic lines then you will be single forever. What you should respond is you enjoy spending time with him and you are happy to take whatever pace suits him and you. When he says he's afraid of falling in love, it's actually a sign that he's falling in love but wants to take things slow so he doesn't make the same mistakes again.
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