A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, he has a child who is one year old. I have accepted this and accepted the fact that he will be seeing his son. However I cannot accept the fact that whenever his ex rings up at the last minute demanding that he looks after his son he will always say yes no matter what plans we have. He sees his son regularly so it is not a case of him saying yes just to be able to see him, it is a case of him saying yes just to keep her happy (she was very controlling and bullied him for most of their relationship, she also tricked him into having a child to try and trap him). I feel like it is tearing us apart because he cannot explain why he is too scared to say no to her, ever. Obviously I am very caught up in this situation so I need advice as to whether I am being completely unreasonable and how to cope with this?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): I fully understand that there will be occasions where he will have to change things around and look after him, but he absolutely will not commit to a routine, we literally live our lives waiting for his ex to let us know when he can have him. We are unable to make any plans for a weekend because we don't know until the Friday when she has decided is best for her. He tells me that we will never be able to make plans a few weeks in advance because he will never be able to tell her that it is just not possible that one time. I asked whether we could ever book a holiday etc, he said probably not in case she calls. I could understand this if it was about him seeing his son, but times where she calls and says he must have him and he is at work etc, he goes into a blind panic and says that he has to sort something out then e.g his parents etc because he absolutely cannot tell her he cannot do it for her. I'm starting to see it as him putting her needs before mine because he will refuse to say no even if he has to sort it out for someone else to look after his son and he won't even be seeing him. If he is unable to look after him then surely he should be able to say sorry no?
A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (5 April 2010):
So he tells you about his ex. As said this is the price you will pay fro many years to come even if you have a child with him?
Why is it only now you have realised the issues?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 April 2010):
I'm afraid this is the price of taking on a man who has a child. Ever time his ex says can he look after his child, he will. Because it's his job and responsibility. You have to remember that he may see him regularly, but he won't see him as much as if he was still living with him. He'll jump at the chance to see his son. So you either have to accept that this is the way it is, or move on now.
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