A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve been with my partner for 5 years our relationship has always been good we rarely argue but just lately he has taken to sleeping on the sofa it started out cos our daughter was poorly with a virus so I put her in bed with me so I could look after her that was 5 months ago and he’s still on the sofa now I ask him to come back to bed but he just says he’s comfortable on the sofa how do I approach this without him thinking I’m nagging thank you Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (14 May 2018):
 Sorry I wasn't online all weekend. That is certainly not a good answer to your question.
Part of the difficulty of answering these questions is that we don't get all of the information up front. This answer let us know that you are engaged but not married. I'm going to run down what we know so far:
Together for 5 years.
Have a daughter together.
Have a dog.
Engaged, not married.
He has never been affectionate.
You work opposing schedules.
He works 8 hours, you work 4.
You were happy up until 5 months ago.
Is there anything else you can tell us about the relationship? It appears that he is nursing some feelings of resentment towards you and is emotionally withdrawing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2018): Thank you for your answers I have ask him nicely why he is sleeping on the sofa his reply because I like sleeping with the dog better I feel so hurt and angry how could anyone put a pet before there fiancée
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 May 2018):
 Statistically, partners who sleep separately have better and healthier relationships. Provided that the intimacy and romance is still within the relationship of course. If this is the case, don't worry. Some people just sleep better alone (myself included) however, if things have deteriorated, please speak about it and seek counselling. Otherwise, I wouldn't worry.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 May 2018):
I take it the co-sleeping (Child sleeping in your bed) was a short term thing and is long over. (she hasn't slept with you for months). The article I read listed co-sleeping as a valid cause for "sleep divorce". Personally I side with Doctors and advise no co-sleeping.
Anyway on to your case. Your long term partner got the boot from the shared bed and discovered that he liked sleeping solo. I can see his point of view (more on that later) I would be happy with 2-3 hours of bed cuddling 2 or 3 times a week. I don't get a lot of comfort from rolling over and knowing she is there. What you two do need to discuss is the reason or reasons he prefers to sleep alone. It could be sleep habits, sleep environment, disrupted sleep , or conflicting schedules.
When you understand his reason for choosing to sleep separately, you can work out and arrangement that meets both's needs. You may be thinking that he is angry or upset, and is using separate sleep to punish or distance you. That is possible but less likely than the other reasons mentioned above. HE could still be feeling stung over being ousted. After being rejected many men lose the emotional connection to their partner.
Next the possibility of sleep disruption. Many couples have trouble with snoring, restlessness and waking for toilet runs. This disrupts the partners sleep and it may be difficult for them to return to sleep. There are medical solutions to this, as well as one partner using a sleep mask or ear plugs.
With sleep schedule conflicts, he amy want to fall asleep or awaken at a different time than you. Consideration (your desire to avoid nagging shows a good possibility of this working) can find a way to sleep together even with conflicting schedules.
Sleep environment can be harder to work out. At this point I just have extra blankets on my side of the bed and we avoid long periods of touching so she doesn't overheat.
Aside from discussing the whys you also should look into a better sleeping solution for him. Sofa sleeping is usually pretty hard on the back. Of course this does force you to admit that you are willing to accept that he can sleep away from you. This is not all bad, you can plan sleep over dates, or spontaneously sneak into his bed for a tumble. Very romantic.
My situation is semi sleep divorced and I'd be willing to discuss this further. I've written an over long post already, so I will await your follow up before going further.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2018): Thank you for your answers so far my main concern is the lack of time we spend together as well he goes to work on a morning I go at 5 in the afternoon he finishes at 4.30 then I get home at 9 get sorted for bed and he’s on the sofa as for affection he’s never been affectionate with me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2018): My first thought is that it might be time for a new mattress!
I love my boyfriend; but I hate to admit that sometimes I sleep very soundly alone. I can stretch-out or roll-about without bumping into another person; and there is dead-silence except for crickets, my watch ticking in the dark; or the birds singing long before sunrise. Then there are times when he's away on business; and I miss hearing his breathing, or feeling movement next to me.
You may be assuming that he feels distant or removed; I think he just found the couch more comfortable as he said.
You should come right-out and tell him what you feel about it; if you have concerns.
If he is otherwise affectionate, and cuddly, with the exception of sleeping on the couch; but nothing else has changed. I don't think there's any need to worry.
Let him know you miss him and it's hard for you to sleep. Maybe you can compromise; he can cuddle until you're sound asleep. He can always move to the couch later. Maybe he'll stop, if he realizes it concerns you so much. If he's under pressure at work, or has restless nights, or you're a easily disturbed by movement; he may find the couch cooler, and a quieter place to sleep.
It has only been for the last 5 months, and your love-life is same as usual; don't worry about your relationship. You may need to get a new mattress and a larger bed. Sometimes cuddling is hot, restrictive, and uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 May 2018):
 I've always been sleeping in my own bed. I only slept with my ex husband in the same bed. For other relationships I slept in my own bed. That's not because of lack of love, or even snoring issues. It's to improve my sleep quality. I have my cat and my hamster waking me up during the night. I don't need another person waking me up due to twisting and turn, or just going to the bathroom. Maybe he's the same way. More and more people are liberating themselves from sleeping in the same bed. It's called sleep divorce. If he's still treating you good in waking hours, I wouldn't worry about it. You can still cuddle with him and have intimacy before heading to bed. Ask him if he would want a new mattress all to himself.
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