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anonymous
writes: I have been going out with my boyfriend now for a year and we have been living together for most of that time. At first, he was really attentive and never looked at another woman. For the past few months now, though, he blatantly looks at other women wherever we go and often comments on how great their figures are and how gorgeous they are. Last night we were out with friends and I caught him several times eyeing up women and generally staring at them. In particular, an asian girl walked into the bar wearing a short dress and he was staring at her. I challenged him about this today and he admitted he was leering even said he looked up her skirt when she sat down and he noticed she was wearing suspenders.I know this seems petty but it really upset me and made me feel insecure. Do you guys think I'm overreacting? I know he loves me but he's making me feel like crap. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2005): No you're not being petty. It is natural to feel like this if your boyfriend is leering at other women. Although most men do this without noticing (all men are the same). I am sure if he really does love you then you should talk to him about it. He will take your point of view in. This happens a lot in relationship, jealousy between couples, looking at other people. Tell him I am sure he will understand, but if he doesn't I dont think he is worth the hassle.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (13 June 2005):
 Some men cant help themselves. Its human nature for them to look at the opposite sex, checking her out and so on. So longs as its not acted upon then it is just harmless. Im thinking that because you have probly told your bf in the past thatyou dont like it when he looks at other woman, he may just think, shes not telling me what to do! Im going to do it anyway... he knows it annoys you so maybe hes just hitting out for some reason. Remember that he is with you, and hes with you for a reason, window shopping never hurt anyone. Maybe talk to him again and ask him why he looks at this other woman ? Is there something he finds attractive about them ? he may not even be able to answer you, its just him being him and looking at bums etc... all men do do it, but some are a bit less noticable... tell him again that it upsets you and that you would rather that when the two of you were together he didnt keep looking at other woman as you feel that your not there and not giving him something, let him know that you love him and that understand thats what men do, but could he keep it to a minimum as he is starting to make you doubt him. Maybe even check out the men when they start entering a room, see if he notices thatyou do it.. he may then realise what its like!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 June 2005):
 Personally, I could live with this kind of thing. I know that my husband is looking and enjoying, but I also know he's 100% faithful, so I grin and bear it.
However, it sounds like this is a recent development for you and you're not confident that Mr Roving-Eye could keep his hands to himself if the opportunity presented itself.
Have you spoken to him about it in a non-accusatory way? Something along the lines of "I know that you enjoy looking at attractive women, but I feel hurt when you do it when we're together"? If he's respectful of your feelings and really cares for you this might be all it takes to smarten up his behaviour. He can rein himself in, if he tries.
Do try to be a little forgiving to the male sex. Men, generally, will look at women, or more specifically, at certain body parts of women. They think they're discreet, but they're often not. A good man can control the impulse if he wants to, but you need to let him know that it hurts your feelings when he ogles in a blatant way.
You need to remember that it's not "petty" if you've brought it to his attention, explained your reasons and asked him not to do it. If he continues under those circumstances then he's doing showing a lack of respect. Red flag, that.
If he knows that it annoys you and he does it anyway, then he would seem to doing it for some reason, for example, in a childish "revenge" type of behaviour.
So, first, make certain that he understands that this is a source of hurt for you, then, second, talk with him and ask if there's some reason behind the ogling. Something that he's trying to tell you. If he persists, well, as always, you have to decide if it's something you can live with (stay with him) or not (leave).
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reader, Stallion +, writes (13 June 2005):
At the end of the day it's natural to feel annoyance in this type of situation and any sex in your position would feel what you are feeling. Let's break things down first and tackle them 1 at a time,1.you say he tells you what he was staring at and admits to doing so - this could be his own lack of self confidence and often couples do tend to do this to purposely cause their partner to "latch on" if you like for their own security. this works as you think you may lose him so makes him feel more attractive and loved as he can see that your afraid of losing him.Speak openly about this with your partner and in your own ways let him know he's attractive but most of all not just loved but needed - also by showing your partner at the time he is doing these things that its bothering you or by watching him may just make him feel like he is succeeding in his goal to make you jealous be careful he doesnt spot you watching and bite your tongue (when someone teased you au school they soon got bored of it when they realised it no longer bothered you).2.you also mention the first few months everything was fine - this is what most people would call the "honeymoon period" in this period both sexes dont know enough about ewchother to beable to cause eachother distress, once your partner gets to know you he will relax and become hiself and vice versa, when two people first decide they love eachother the first few months are great but even though they still are most people seem to think that things are declining when actually your just getting used to things being good and they end up being the norm. - this could be his problem, as i said before he may feel unattractive, unloved or just plain and simply not important to you anymore.3. You say he tells you about other women being attractive - well the best way for you to solve this is to make big changes to your lifestyles - try and remember why you both fell in love and talk about it followed by lovemaking and keeping the mood up, to make him realise what hes already got you need to dress up, get a big smile on your face look confident and dont batter an eyelid at what hes doing, try to kind of ignore him while your out paying attention to other males but be careful not to cause fighting as this will cause you further upset but plain and simple the idea is for him to see that what he already has is worth more to him than anything else in his life and losing you will be easy and no skin off your back and by mentioning the reasons you both fell in love will remind him just how much he needs you aswell but make sure you show him love and attention whilst on your own.youll more than likely be pulling the strings if you pull it off in an apropiate manner!
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