A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I met my man through a dating site and all is fabulous 13 weeks on. He says I'm the one for him, and I love him dearly. Since we mutually agreed, that we are 'in a relationship' we both decided to cancel our match accounts. Mine is gone completely, and closed., however he still receives messages from his match account, although he told me it was closed. His housemate is on match and while my man was in the bath, he was browsing using my mans laptop. My man had agreed he could. Well, my mans match messages were displayed , and, he had recieved and replied to a messsage. I didn't read it entirely as I did not want to pry, so we moved on to his housemates account and said no more. So, now I have to confront him, and am dreading doing so. What do you guys think please? I'm beside myself, but refuse to allow feelings run away without explanation. But, why did he lie about closing the account, and why message sim other female if he is happy with me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 April 2017):
 It is okay for him not to be sure you are the one, I mean after all this is still a new relationship. However it is not okay for him to be chatting to other girls and lying about it. You need to talk to him and tell him what you say. Explain to him how it has made you feel and ask him why he feels the need to talk to others. To me it sounds suspicious and he needs to explain why he has lied to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): I think you should let him know what you saw and give him the benefit of the doubt at first. Try to ask him about it in a way that is not accusatory, and see what he says.
ex question: "I saw that your Match profile is still active and that you recently responded to an inquiry on there. I thought we had agreed to delete our accounts and be exclusive, so this hurt me to see. Can you explain this to me?"
Notice his response. Does he get defensive and angry, and try to turn the question around to tell you that you were wrong for "snooping"? If yes, red flag. And you will know where you stand then and know that he is lying to get your affection and sex, and still wants to play the field. If you get this sort of response you know you should run.
If he is apologetic, and admits he was wrong about keeping that open, then maybe he can be redeemed. I would give him a second chance if he deletes his accounts right then in front of me and apologizes, and then you can both set what ground rules you expect for this relationship to continue. Like not having online dating profiles anymore for one.
That conversation will also give him a chance to talk to you about any reservations he might have about your commitment to him, if that is really the underlying issue. Ask him how he really feels about you, and see if you are both on the same page about what you want from each other.
I hope it works for you both, these are tough conversations to have, but very necessary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): OP, I just sent you the previous response but I have something to added.
If I were you, I would just END it.
On the strength of his two key actions.
#1. He is STILL ACTIVE on a dating site when he told you he wasn't.
#2. AND he is messaging other women!
Is that not enough for you?
What more do you need?
If you confront him, he will just lie and you will just believe his lies, and stay with him, enabling him to do as he pleases with other women on a dating site which he is still active on!
He is the one who has shown you that he does not care about you.
His words say one thing.
But what you need to pay attention to are his ACTIONS.
They say something altogether different.
HUGE RED FLAG when words and actions do not coincide.
So let him be. Let him go back to the site and prowl around to his heart's content. You are TOO GOOD for that scum bucket and you have higher standards for yourself.
If you LET him, he is just going to USE you.
Don't let him.
The power is ALL YOURS here.
Hope you believe that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): Oh sweetheart, men will say ANYTHING to get the goods.
You are old enough to know this and old enough to know better!
You are just choosing to think with your vagina instead of your head.
You like the sex, love it, and the guy is good at it. And you like the "idea" of a relationship. So, you hang on for the ride.
But make no mistake, it is a ride alright. And you must be careful with your feelings with this one.
I smell a PLAYER here!
Just have your eyes open.
Just because he is having sex with you and telling you YOU'RE THE ONE does not mean he is not doing the same thing with another woman! Maybe the one on the MATCH account that he sent a message to!
EYES OPEN dearie!
Men are capable of telling all kinds of lies to get sex. Some of those lies include I LOVE YOU and YOU'RE THE ONE.
Don't be fooled.
You are not a naïve school girl.
So, my advice? If you like the sex, stay with him. But do not fall in love with him. I say that in future tense because there is no way you can love him now. You do not know him well enough. What you LOVE is the passion and the sex. Period. And the person he is SELLING himself to be.
He is not boyfriend material. He is a good lover. That is all he is.
If you keep this in perspective, you will not be hurt.
Right now just assume this guy is not loyal to you. Do not give him your full trust. And worse yet, do not give him your heart. TO BREAK. He has proven only 13 weeks in that he is NOT trustworthy!!!
Enjoy the ride while it lasts.
Sorry to be blunt but the fact he is still active on a dating site and lied to you about it and messaged another woman would be enough to end it for me. Better than later when you grow too attached to him. Yeah, that's what happens to us women when we have sex with a guy for too long.
Your choice.
Just know what you are getting into.
Don't sell yourself short because you think at your age you have been put out to pasture. Not true. You can find a man who is loyal to you and meets all your needs. Not a man who is using YOU and other women on a dating site for SEX and only SEX.
There are still lots of decent men your age out there and even younger who like older women. You are selling yourself short by hooking up with this guy. You seem to feel this is all you can find or deserve.
Men can FAKE a whole relationship to get sex regularly. And you would be so astonished if it ever ended, how quickly he would walk away without a single emotion for you!
I hope you see this for what it really is. Today. Not when it is too late.
I highly doubt there is a future here but he does have a future in philandering.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies, hmmm yes, I hear what you are saying, it is suspicious, and yes, I'm naive, it's too early to know someone enough to love them after just 13 weeks. However, it was he who first declared his 'love' to me, telling me, I am the one for him. I thought I loved him a few weeks ago, but held those feelings back. However, my feelings are SO strong, the words just came out. I am no youngster, and have been in and out of love and relationships before. I may be guilty of wanting to be cherished, adored, and yes loved, but, I am wary whilst determined to 'enjoy the ride' and see where it takes me. Life is too short to stay lonely, having someone to share fun times with is nice, and it makes us both happy. It was, and often is, me who initiates sex, although he is happy to participate, he empathises the importance of holding, being close, and understanding each other. We often fall asleep in each others arms not having made love or had sex. I say making love, because it really is so very intense, like I've never experienced before. So, I know there must be something more than lust there between us. Yes he was dishonest re closing his account, and if it was paid up and he was not active, perhaps he could be forgiven? However, yes, he is active, why is he still looking? Yes, he probably isn't really convinced 100%. So, I have to confront him, or, really, should I pry? I know two wrongs do not make a right, but, there is reason to do so. What do you guys think about continuing the relationship if he says he isnt 100% sure I'm the one? Can I trust him if we can talk through this 'blip' I don't want to get hurt, but I also don't want to loose him even if we do 'withdraw' our love for oneanother
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2017): Well, 13 weeks in is not very long. So, I really don't see how you could A. Love him and B. Him love love. And C. You know he is the one and D. He knows you are the one.
This is all a bit rushed.
You seem to be in a hurry to have a man. And throw yourself into a "relationship."
You really do not know this man at all.
He may realize that because you want a relationship so badly, he is doing and saying all the right things to keep having sex with you. While possibly keeping his options open on Match.
Women should never be too naïve.
Men are good at fooling us into giving them sex.
I would proceed with caution with this one.
He may not be who he is presenting himself to be to you.
He was DISHONEST with you about closing his account. Not only that but he actually RESPONDED to a woman's message!
I could perhaps forgive it if he still had the account open but it was not active and he never went on it again.
But the fact he messaged someone means he is STILL ACTIVE on this account! And still actively LOOKING!
I don't care if he was just being friendly to a woman. He should have no contact whatsoever with any woman on that site. He is now in a relationship. OR SO YOU THOUGHT.
I am not sure I would ask him. He will just lie.
I would snoop some more and find out for myself. I would go back and read the content of that message. But either way, he lied and that is not a good thing THIS EARLY on in a relationship. Imagine how much worse he will get!
Don't let on to him.
Because liars and cheaters deny it and find a way to turn it on you. Call you insecure, crazy and dead wrong about them.
I don't have a good feeling about this one!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2017): Talk to him and tell him exactly what you just told us. It sounds suspicious to me. I don't believe 13 weeks is long enough to really know someone. It sounds as if even though he claims you're the one, he's not quite convinced yet.
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