A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm basically in love with my flatmate. We met over a year ago as uni friends and if I'm honest I was pretty into him from the beginning but was getting out of a serious longterm relationship so didn't want to go there. Long story short, We spent the year being good friends with me trying to suppress my feelings and basically umming and aahing about whether to go for it. Mainly because I found it really difficult to read him, sometimes I thought he was definitely into me when he'd want to spend all his spare time watching tv at mine or always wanting to go for a drink or wondering why I couldn't be around when i was busy. Other times it seemed like he was putting up a definite barrier so I chose not to cross the line. Through a strange twist of fate we're now living together in a two bed flat and I've been going up and down like a yo-yo because I haven't been able to stop thinking about him in that way and yet living with him made it impossible to do anything about it at all. Living together has made us closer but yet I still can't figure out if he wants more but doesn't think it's a good idea as flatmates or if he doesn't feel that way at all and never has. The other night we had a few friends over for drinks and one girl made a big fuss about not being able to get home. I decided to go to bed and then realised that she wasn't sleeping on the sofa but in his room! I didn't expect to feel so devastated but knowing that they were in his room together meant I laid awake all that night wrestling with my emotions. It's been two days now and I just don't know what to do with myself. I hate how angry, jealous and tense I am but I can't help it. I've been avoiding him for the last two days because I was afraid i would explode and he's actually begun to ask if I'm annoyed about something but all I can do is lie and say it's work stress. I have had loads of work and life stresses in the last few weeks and was trying to work at home tonight when he came back with her. I've calmed down a bit but the combination of a massive essay deadline and having them in my flat trying to make conversation has meant that I'm now hiding in my room because I can't face seeing them together. What can I do? I feel like I've been a complete fool. I was tempted to tell him how I felt just to be honest and hopefully clear the air (obviously also hoping he might feel the same) but now he's started seeing someone and there's nothing I can do. I also know I can't go on acting so strange or he'll realise something is wrong. I don't even think he is the one for me. I've been in a wonderful relationship before and when it ended I thought this guy would be my answer and there were lots of things I liked about him but I've come to realise that it's not enough if he doesn't make the effort to be with me. I think he has much more respect for me than he has for this girl he barely knows but I also know that i've given him too much of myself and he probably sees me as a security blanket. For the last yr I have done so many things for him and would spend time with him over friends and other obligations if he asked me to and I used to think it was because he enjoyed my company the most but now I wonder if he was just using me because I was always there. The most telling was when I took him out to a party because he had nothing to do that night but the next day when we had a lunch break at uni he said he was meeting some friends for lunch (who i even knew) but didn't invite me at all so I had to eat lunch by myself. I just feel like such a fool to have given so much of myself to this guy and not realise he wasn't giving anything back. I guess that's also my problem because he never asked for all of this from me. I don't think I have ever felt so un-wanted and unattractive :( I've spent the last yr not living the single life or meeting new people because part of me was always hoping for something from this guy and i don't think i realised it at all until now. I don't know how to make things right with myself or him. I know it's not his fault he doesn't know how I feel but I can't help resenting him and I don't particularly like this girl so it's like another slap in the face having her in my flat and making me so uncomfortable. I don't know if it’s just a fling as he barely knows her and she practically threw herself at him (btw she actually broke up with her b/f about an hour before she slept with him) and if he is a decent guy who is just oblivious to what he is doing or if this is like some kind of sign to back off in which case I should just cut my losses and possibly even move out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): I've kind of been there, as far as the getting out of the serious relationship goes. And I've actually moved on to this new guy I'm with now. And let me tell you, I was head over hills for him the moment I saw him. But, I recently JUST realized it was him that I was so crazy about, it was just for his looks. Idk if the guy you're living with now is hot or what, but if you're anything like I am, you are probably just MAKING yourself into something like HE likes. And just trying to do everything and anything you can to be with him (as to take time from your busy schedule to just hang out with him)So in all honesty, I think it is a beyond good idea, and very mature to not cross the line with him when you're living with him. And maybe he has already realized it, and didn't want to jeopardize anything as simple as your friendship. But the thing is, (well it seems to me...) like, he DID want more then to just talk, and he DID want to cross the line, and just kinda knew you wouldn't, so he just went to some other easy piece of trash just get what he wanted. And he obviously sees something is wrong with you.And I, personally, think it is rude to bring her around in the house when you're home, when he knows you (at least) like him (I think. I'm didn't get that part clear really).But the story I think is good to follow, is with one with me and the guy I'm with now. (His name is Jake btw) We broke up for about a week, and during that week he managed to kiss TWO girls, and then get back together with me without me knowing it. But long story short(er) my sister found out, told me, I called Jakes bff and he told me everything he knew. (aka:Jake did it, but we were broken up with me) And I felt like somthing that he could just fall right back too. Like a lil somthin somthin he can get anytime he wanted to. But anyways. I told Jake everything I knew, and he felt like straight up shit. I stopped talking to him a few day, and he didn't know what to do. So I was basically torchering him. (hehe) and he couldn't take it anymore, he talked to me, we worked it out, he stopped talking to those two girls, and now those girls hate him.So, I guess my advice to you is, talk to him. The chances are, that you will make him feel bad, and do somthing better. If he's not that type, and still stays with the girl, then just tell him that the least he can do is not bring her in your alls house. Especially while you're there!!! And you can always BS(...aka:lie) it and threaten to move out (if he don't care, BS again and say you can't find an affordable place lol)I relly do wish you luck. And remember it's only time. Get it right, live it up! If you're living the way you feel guilty about, apparently you didn't get right. Again, it's only time. The trick about time is, it always passes. And there will always be more. The only thing you need to do is sit back and wait for time to pass. Just go with the flow I guess you can say... hahaSo I think I'm don't writing my novel now... Haha. Thank you! Good Luck! I'll pray ;)
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