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female
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anonymous
writes: My partner have had a difficult relationship recently. i found out he'd been looking at porn and going to dating sites. he lied when i confronted him. i thought i had finally got him to understand that he was hurting me because i think he may not have even realised he was doing anything wrong even though he was pushing me away for it. i have recently discovered that, despite him saying he still wants me, he has registered on yet more porn sites and dating sites within the last month. we now have no physical relationship at all. i'm not sure if he's addicted or if he actually believes he's doing nothing wrong. whatever it is, can i really believe that he wants me when he's doing this? and how do i make him stop because if i confront him, he'll lie and shout at me and think of something, unfoundedly, to accuse me of. i really hope someone can help because i love him so much but i need him to understand that i need the attention he's chosen to give strangers instead.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006): I am not sure if this helps but someone I love very much has been doing exactly the same thing. I have accessed all of what he has been doing. He has had affairs with several people through the dating sites. It is only now, when I have completely disowned him that he has realised how addicted he is. I think what they are doing is because they are depressed and need medical help. I have suggested hypnotherapy but, the person needs to recognise that they have a problem and want to sort it out. he is now begging me to see him again but it is important not to do so until you can be assured that he has seeked and accepting some professional help. I confronted him with it all and he could not deny it. I completely obliterated all of it and walked away saying that my self respect would not allow me to knowingly be with him while this was going on. I wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): He sees nothing wrong with looking for sex with someone else? I think some counselling is the only way for you if you don't want to leave him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): He sees nothing wrong with looking for sex with someone else? I think some counselling is the only way for you if you don't want to leave him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2006): i bet their are thousands of women out their that wish mobile phones and computers had never been invented because if they had'nt they would not have their men sucked in by this fake fantasy world. good to see that you have taken the step to talk to someone about the issue, but im really doubting that his mother will speak to him about the issues, mostly because it would just be too akward, but it would be good if someone did talk to him about this, maybe then that will give him a good idea on how much his hurting you, getting someone to talk to him and make him understand that its not normal to be doing this while in a relationship.if you could try and get him too a relationship councilor then i think that would help heaps. This guy needs a wake up call because if he does not see this is hurting you then this problem is just going to get worse and worse, personally if i was in your shoes id piff the pc out the window and confront him about everything you have seen and just go crazy at him, i dont mean get violent or anything id just have a bit of a yell an cry at him, make him open his eyes a little so he can c how much your hurting, i think you need to just open up to this guy and give him his options, id ask him if he would consider seeing someone to get help or you will leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe used to be so loving and affectionate. i had no reason to doubt him. i've talked to his mum and told her everything. she seemed surprised he was doing this and said that she knows he does want me and love me. she has offered to have a word with him but i don't think she'll confront him about the sites.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006): he never used to be like this. i just want him to be the affectionate person he was before the computer came along
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006): thats a question that ever women wants an answer to "why is he doing this?", i have asked myself that very same question in regarding my boyfriend and i have come to this conclusion, some men like your husband tend to use thier penis to think instead of using their brain, when this happens all they care about it making their dick happy rather then caring about your feelings, why? because its less compliacted. in other words he is selfish and has very little respect for you. i think you need to set an example by moving on from him, do you really want your children growing up where they think its ok to be doing this kind of thing. i know it would be hard to just pack up and leave but this man needs a good slap in the face and needs to wake up a little and stop living in some fantasy, your real the children and real and that should be his only focus not some plastic Sl*t on a screen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou. i just can't understand why he is looking for sex elsewhere when i am here and willing. i've never given him a reason to think otherwise. can anyone help me understand WHY he is doing this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): try and stay strong, i think you should print out copies of the dating sites with his profile on them, and then confront him about it, and dont be nice about it. i dont know if you realize this but he is technically cheating because he is looking for sex with another women and im pretty sure once he finds another women he will go for it with no hesitation. dont you see he wants to cheat on you? i know you dont want to leave but id confront him about it and if he lies about it then save some money and go. he does not desearve you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe tells his mates that he loves me. his best friend has even tried to drop hints about the situation but he doesn't seem prepared to do anything. he has always had everything happen how he wants it without having to do much for himself. his mum still lends him money to go to the pub, where i think he may have been cheating. i have thought about talking to his mum about the situation but she is quite ill and, if i do mention anything to her, she sticks up for him. i don't know how she would feel if she knew what he was doing to me and her only grandchild
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanx for the advice. i really don't want to leave him. we have 2 children and have only been living together for a few months. he used to be so affectionate. we can't get rid of the computer as we both need it for work. i don't know how to confront him. i'm not sure he knows that he's doing this never mind that it is wrong. it's as if every time i find out, he just goes to another site. he keeps changing all his passwords for everything and we have seperate accounts on the computer so i can't check his history or anything like that to find out. i feel i am competing for his affection with the computer. i have thought that he has actually been cheating. we had a good relationship before we had a computer. i checked one of the dating sites to check his profile. he is apparently just looking for sex with older women(i am 5 years younger than him). i always knew he preferred older women but i prefer a man to give me a lot of attention. that doesn't mean to say i'm going to upset him by going and getting that from someone else. i have no idea why this started in the first place but no matter what i say, he doesn't tell me anything. we had an argument last night because i said he might love me if i was someone else. he either misheard or misunderstood because he thought i meant i wanted someone else. he seemed upset but wouldn't talk properly. if he is upset at thinking i don't want him then i really can't understand why he refuses to show he wants me and why he keeps pushing me away.
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reader, mommyofthree +, writes (30 January 2006):
 I am so sorry to say this, but you are losing your guy to the fantasy world he is creating on the internet. If you were to do further investigation you may even find some rather inapropriate conversations with other people, I say this because what usually starts out as "innocent" fun can easily turn into an emotional affair. His pulling away from the relationship is a classic example of that. If you want to save the relationship he needs to be willing to give up the computer. He will have to face the problem at hand and seek out help. Couples therapy can help, they are seeing more and more of this and quite good at helping couples come back together after internet affairs. The subject of an addiction to the internet is somewhat controversial, some experts believe it is real while others say claiming addiction is a way to stay out of trouble for their actions. Either way he seems to have issues with certain things on the internet and he has to address that, no matter what you do a lot of this lies in his hands, if he won't give it up you will probably find that your relationship will continue to suffer. As much as you love him you do not want him to bring you down into a depression by blaming this on you, or making you feel wrong for confronting him. You have a right to have a relationship where you are not pushed away for outside stimuli. Take care of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): this is not ok,he has no right ot be signing up to dating sites when he already in a relationship with you, do you know if he has meet anyone via these dating sites? for all you know he could be cheating on you. him looking at porn is also not ok espically if it is effecting the relatioship. it does not sound like this guy has much repect for you so i think your best off moving on from this guy. if this guy wants to wack off to porn instead of being with the real thing then he has issues, and i do think he thinks this is ok and normal because if he didnt think that he would feel guilty, i know some guys look at porn and thats ok but not if its destroying relationships then thats not healthy. and well i just have to say this if i found my bf signing up to dating sites id leave on the spot.i know you love him and all but ask yourself this, is this relationship going anywhere? this guy just keeps lying to you,trust me this guy is not worth your time, i really don think this guy is really concered about your feelings right now i think the only thing that he has on his mind is making sure his penis is happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2006): I know how you feel. It is such a hard thing when a partner is doing this sort of thing because it hurts so bad but technically they haven't cheated according to some but to you it might as well be cheating.I actually found out about the internet dating thing after my relationship had ended and I completely lost any shread of respect I had left for him. To me I found it sickening and hurtful. I have never been able to think of him in the same way and decided at that moment that I didn't want him in my life at all - no matter how much I had once loved him. I realised that I deserved much much much better.Take from this what you will and whilst I don't know your exact circumstances, what you have told us is that he is doing this and is a very aggressive and angry man. I think that you need to look deep into your heart and question if you really want a man like this in your life when there are so many great men out there who are kind, caring and loyal?Good luck
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