A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really need help with this, please take this seriously. Background: I have taken on a new job, as the guy who was doing it has decided he needs to cut back on it (it's a part time thing, and he has a proper full time job as well), but basically co-operation with this guy is essential. I've only met him a couple of times so far, but have talked to him a LOT (mainly before I met him) on email and the phone.The problem is, however, that he has been coming on to me to a greater and greater extent as I get to know him more. This wasn't too obvious from the emails to begin with, but has been really evident from our meetings. He's even invited me out (and over to his house, as well). Now I'm just not comfortable with this. He knows I have a bf, and anyway, he's about 45. I really need some help on what to do - how to put him off, really. He's a lovely bloke, and I don't want to scream harrassment or anything, because I don't really feel that it is. The huge, HUGE problem is that I think I might have brought this on - for some stupid reason, when I'm nervous, I revert to flirtation as a cover. I don't mean to at all, but it's just what happens when I'm nervous (ie when I'm being interviewed for a job). Help?
View related questions:
flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 February 2009):
 Hi, you're welcome. The thing to keep in mind is that you need to be very clear to him that you do not welcome this behavior at all.
Also notice that I used "I feel..." "I need you to...." "I am..." language, rather than "You are doing..." "You bother me..." "You have to...". I think that people respond better to the "I..." sentence starter when you're talking about uncomfortable things like feeling. He can argue with you if you say "You are being rude" but he will find it difficult to counter "I find this kind of behavior rude." Do you see the difference? It's a subtle one perhaps but I think it'll help you move this thing in the direction you want it to go.
Don't get defensive or angry, just be calm (for heaven's sake, don't giggle!!!) and stoic as you can manage. Treat him exactly the way you want him to treat you, don't say anything that could be perceived as threatening at this point. You're giving him warning number one, if he doesn't get it, he gets a stronger warning number two, telling him what the consequences of persisting will be. You can followup on this thread if you need my help or PM me if it comes to that. I hope he gets the message from what I put together for you. If you want to run it by us before you send it, that would be nice!
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tisha, thanks a lot for your post, I really appreciate it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 February 2009):
"John, it's dawned on me that perhaps I might have given you the impression that I'm interested in more than a working relationship with you. I say that because you have asked me out, and said ------------(fill in the blanks)------. I want to make something really clear so that there's no mistake and no problems with our continuing professional relationship. I'm not available. I have a boyfriend and I get uncomfortable if I get the impression that I'm being 'hit on.'
I'm still learning my way in the world and I know that giggle a lot (or whatever it is that you do) but I have to tell you that that is a sign that I'm nervous. I've been trying to stop doing that and I just want to be clear that some things that I've been giggling about actually are bothering me.
So some specific things that I need you to stop doing are:
stop asking me out or inviting me over, stop making suggestive comments. stop sending me flirty emails or jokes or anything with suggestive content. I am finding this very uncomfortable and I worry that it will affect my job. I don't want that to happen, I know that you are a good guy and understand things as you're about the same age as my father. I look up to you and respect you and I don't want to lose that feeling due to a silly misunderstanding.
So please let me know if you understand what I'm telling you. I appreciate what you've done for me and I think you are a good guy. Thanks."
...............................
|
