A
female
age
36-40,
*ovieimp
writes:A mate and I were really close (friendship wise only) I fancied him at first. I didn’t know he had a gf till 2 weeks after we first met. Thought it a stupid reason to break a potential good friendship over, gambled and stayed friends. Was hard but managed until he broke up with gf. Started flirting with other girls, he never knew for sure I had feelings for him, he suspected but never knew. Then, yes just started talking to me about these girls he was chatting up and asking for advice and whatever. That was hard. I was going through things, difficulties at uni at the same time and with my feelings and his break up I felt like I couldn’t talk to him. I tried but in the end just told him I had feelings for him, he said he wanted friendship. I said I needed distance because with him flirting around I might get hurt - he respected. We didn’t talk for 8 months, now that I have returned to university he wants to be friends again. I don’t know what to do.He was a good friend not like any other I’ve had. Good friends are hard to find. It wasn’t the jealousy thing that broke us. I dealt with it quite well for pretty much the whole of our friendship. I’m happy to be happy if he’s happy. But all we ever did was just go out clubbing there was no hobby nothing much to keep us together beyond that. It began to feel empty I think in part because I couldn’t be fully honest with him. I want my friend back but I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried cutting him out of my life it’s too hard and I’m reluctant to completely cut him off because of the potential of our friendship. Be easy if I just got interested in someone else, but I feel that I love deeply. I’m 20 and have never had a boyfriend. I can’t afford to be “blasé” with my feelings. Also going to someone else just to move on from someone else in my mind isn’t a good basis to start a new relationship. Me just moving on emotionally is not easy for me. Even though we have been apart for time and distance I feel still emotionally connected to him. For a time he was my closest friend. I don’t have that anymore. Now he offers it back. I want it back but I don’t feel ready and it was so much work last time. I can’t escape him we have mutual friends. I don’t know what to do.
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broke up, clubbing, flirt, jealous, move on, never had a boyfriend, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, movieimp +, writes (29 November 2008):
movieimp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHeya just saying thanks! and I’m really appreciating the input guys! In regards to 48years’ post; out of the three I think he’d slot me in confidant, which I really don’t mind, would find rather amazing actually if only I could naturally and comfortably converse back to him on the subject matter (of relationships since I’ve never had any and don’t think I will easily any time soon) but yea I get what you mean. We are casual at the moment, acquaintances more so. So we have the odd “how are you?” and bumping into each other about twice a month. Which is a bit odd because it was pretty much everyday before. I guess I do like him romantically but it’s VERY little, distinguishing between friend and “potential boyfriend” was pretty easy for me and I suspected it when I told him I liked him. I just wanted to be honest. It’s more our friendship and whether it’ll work out successfully without draining me like it did before because I have a very demanding course at university and having a very demanding friendship (would be demanding since there is nothing really keeping us together as we don’t do anything or share a hobby that we both enjoy which would make it less tiresome for me) to worry about too wouldn’t be the wisest of choices. It’s the lack of a close friend that bothers me most. So yea, thanks again guys, but I’m still yet to decide...
A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (29 November 2008):
 Men are hunters. If the girl's too willing to be there for a guy, you run the risk of being one of three things with this kind of friend: a confidant, a nursemaid or a convenience. All of those roles can hurt you if your true feelings are romantic. My mother always said, "make it a clean break."
Then you can find a guy who will wants to be your friend and your lover and makes it VERY clear to you. I've been married for 25 years to a man who is my best friend...
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A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (28 November 2008):
 Hi, There is not too much to add to the advice given by Irish, but you have all the information needed, to decide what to do. What I say to individuals who relly like a person, but the person they like is unavailable emotionally or otherwise, is to take your feelings, and you can do this, if you believe you can and do not resist trying , you will do this. Take an imaginary box, visualize your emotions for him in some form, take that visualization and place it in that box, tie it up in your mind and take it to the back of the closet or down in the basement and store it. Then involve yourself in things that make you happy, join a new club, meet new people, this gentlemean you really like, only wants a good friendship. Do not put yourself close to him physically, if it is going to distrub you. Enhance your life, then you can deal with a possible friendship with him. Work on building your island of emotionsl strength, then it won't matter what he is doing. Take care of yourself, and involve yourslef in the good things going on around you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): Hi there. Gosh, we've all been there and it's tough! It's difficult to be friends with a person we care about and want to date. This guy treats you like a good buddy and that will always remind you not to look at him like a boyfriend. Sounds like he is perceptive enough to understand your feelings, and he is trying to convey him feelings without jeopardizing the friendship. Why can't you just be 'casual' friends with him and just ease back a bit? Look it...It sounds like you have come to 'accept' that you may not be a part of his dating circle. And being friends with him, takes incredible hard work and efforts on your part, I know. I guess what I am saying is, you need to make a decision that works for you. If it's just too emotionally draining then back off and recover for awhile. Look at other ways to distract yourself. Make new socal contacts, new hobbies, new activities. I once heard a good quote about situations like yours. It goes 'being a good friend is like being a card player. You just need to know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em" So if you feel that folding a losing hand gives you a chance at holding a winning hand, the next time...then do it. In other words, the more you pine away for this guy, the longer you could 'hinder' yourself to a new potential love interest that could walk into your life. And as you said, this friend flirts with other females and has asked you for advisement. That is exactly how a friend treats a friend. So you know, he wants you as a friend. And I think you know, he's not kidding. So get out there and try your best to recover, keep a positive, bright attitude and keep being strong. Your time of happiness will come, bvut just not with this guy. Be patient and keep being wise. Good luck, hun!
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