A
female
age
30-35,
*eraphim
writes:Hey everyone:)I really need some advice.Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months and our relationship has been very terbulant!The first month we started datin it was fun but i did not take him too serious because i felt he was still talking to other girls and we never really spoke on the phone but he would speak to other girls on the phone and he claimed they are just friends.Also on his face book he would add a lot of slutty girls and has an album ful of naked chicks :/ . And he would always tell me about his stupid ex girlfriend and what she did to him many times ( he is latino and his ex is white she left him for a black guy.. twice. Im black and he thinks il do the same) This started to piss me off so one day a guy chatted me up and i gave him my number ; i wasnt interested in the guy i just gave him my number jus to prove to my self i still got it ;)A few days later my boyfriend found out and he was furious. He said he couldnt believe i would do that, he would never do that to me etc and he was super angry cause it was a black guy. Things became very nasty after this. He said he would let it go but he would get drunk every other day and send me really nasty mean mesages, acuse me of cheating everyday and completely forgets about it the next day ( he still does it).This continued to happen for atleast 4 weeks and eventually we sorted it out. One day i was at his house having a few drinks and then he took my phone and said he wanted to see what i have on it and i said fine let me see yours. So we exchanged phones , i was in the clear but when i looked at his i found out he had been talking to some girl that he used to date in the past and he had a folder that contained porn , my pictures and other girls i also found a picture of his stupid ex.I got so angry and confronted him and eventualy it became a physical situation. The alcohol did not help. I was pushing him, threw his phone at him, scratched him, we where shouting at each other , his mom got involved.. it was awful.Since that situation we had arguments almost everyday. Really bad arguments. Last week we spent a weekend together ( my parents werent around) to try work things out. It went very well but a few days later things went back to arguing etcI really like him and care about him but he seems super obsesed with porn and naked girls, he thinks im gonna cheat, he lives far from me ( i see him once or twice a week) , we argue all the time about stupid stuff and its like he will never let his ex go. What the hell can i do because when things are good between us they are real good. But when they are bad.. its as bad as bad gets. Help?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2012): Dump his a**. Seriously, you've only been going out for five months and he's insecure, jealous, controlling and from the sounds of it aggressive. He has problems to which you aren't the remedy and it sounds like he's still hung up on his ex. Cut him loose and go find someone who respects and trusts you.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 September 2012):
 So why exactly do you think this guy is boyfriend material? I need a bit more explanation of why he's so wonderful. All I hear is he's jealous and a skirt-chaser and lacks a common-sense filter. You apparently have an anger management issue if you escalate to physical violence and maybe you both have problems with alcohol?
All relationships have their good points, it's the bad parts that determine if they are really healthy or not. Mature people learn how to disagree without escalating to violence, they learn how to communicate even when angry, they know how words can wound and that you should never say something just to be mean.
Mature guys who are committed to their relationship do not chat with other girls. They get rid of the porny type images of their exes. They recognize that they owe their girlfriend their respect.
Mature girls do not feel the need to get numbers of other guys just to get even with their boyfriend and to prove their sexiness. If you need that thrill still, then you aren't really ready for a committed relationship. If he needs that same type of thrill, he's not ready either.
I'd take a break from each other, spend some time dating freely, don't commit to any one person and maybe you'll grow out of the need for this type of drama.
Oh and he needs to cut out the alcohol dependence. If he's drinking so much he has blackouts every other day, he's going to burn out his liver before he's 30. Not to mention, he'll look like a bloated hog, as all that alcohol converts to body fat. That's why guys get those unhealthy beer bellies. When you are young, you can burn it off but eventually, the liver just can't keep up and the fat piles on. If he's drinking to blackout stage every other day, it won't take too long. Not to mention the potential for injuries and making stupid choices while under the influence.
You need to lay off the alcohol too, if you get so angry you actually try to start a physical fight. It's a sign that you are in over your head.
So, there's your wake up call. Take a break from each other, take a break from the booze and try to observe your behavior as if you were watching yourself in a play. The self that has the need for all the drama is the one that needs to be watched. The calm self within you (presumably that self which wrote this question here) is the sensible quiet being who is looking for personal health and personal growth.
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