A
female
age
36-40,
*eppfan86
writes:I have just joined this site, though I asked a question anonymously earlier before joining. After reading the reply I got I was wondering if anyone has any advice on abusive relationships? Its not a physically violent relationship but my husband has been jealous, possessive, controlling, manipulative and when I've confronted him in the past aggressive too. I have to stress that he has calmed down a lot over the last couple of years after a huge bust up we had and I sat down and told him that he would lose me if he didn't change. There is still a hint of this behaviour in him though and he will laugh it off and say that he's joking but I know what he's really thinking. There is still a bit of resentment there on my part because no matter how much I try and although i forgave him I cant forget all the hurtful things he said and did to me. Also as I mentioned earlier he's a huge flirt with other women and rubs my nose in it. The way he does it is sleazy and creepy. It makes my stomach churn. I know that you will find it hard to understand but i love him and if there is any way I can make it work, I will. Do you think that maybe he needs help? Is there something I could do? Or would it be better all round to just walk away? I have never spoken of this to family or friends so if I did walk away it would come as a shock to them and im afraid that he will twist things and turn people against me and make himself a victim in it all, because he's certainly got it in him and I wouldn't put it past him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): I highly recommend the book 'Why does he do that: In the minds of angry and controlling men' - this book covers all kinds of emotional abuse and demonstrates how close it is to physical abuse. Sadly the scars of emotional abuse can be longer lasting.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 I stay with my guy who is a total wreck..
I understand why women stay with men they love. It's not about self-esteem (lack of) or fear of being alone... I hate when folks think that's why we stay.
If he flirts and rubs your nose in it, knowing it bothers you, well then that's one thing that I would not tolerate. I flirt but i"m not crass about it, nor do I rub my husband's nose in it. your husband sounds like he's a very insecure immature man.
I am sure your wanting to leave will upset him.
I doubt counseling will help. he sees nothing wrong with his behavior.
My advice... live your life for you... get friends, go out with them... be happy be healthy be whole... leave him in the dust... tell him "I can't live like this with you any more and I'm going to be doing these things... you are welcome to make changes and join me or you can leave me to get on with my happy life without you."
then see what happens.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 January 2014):
 You may be one step away from a punch in the face, ergo a breakup may be a safe thing to do. Only you can determine the building tension. Only you can save your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2014): You can try marriage counselling... but ultimately he would have to WANT to change. You cannot make that happen. HE has to make that happen. I really dont understand how he can love you, yet flirt "and rub it in your face." It just sounds odd to me. But you have to nake tge decidion to leave, no one can make it for you. Life is too short not to be happy and is you are miserable more days that you are happy, I would really take sometime and ask yourself if this is what you want.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 January 2014):
 The link for that article is http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
You'll have to copy and paste the entire link as the "?" interrupts the hyperlink.
Best wishes for a full recovery from an abusive relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 January 2014):
I think you've come to the point of leaving him.
If that is the case then start to record him when he being a jealous, controlling, shit and when he is rubbing your nose in his flirting with other people. You know he's sleazy and creepy. So let him express that to you, get it on tape in your home. (Though there may be laws that apply.)
If I were you, I'd go to http://www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233 and get a local referral.
You know what you are planning to do, so get the ducks in a row.
This article has advice on getting out of the relationship safely, though I would encourage you to go to the hotline and get some specific advice in your situation.
Best wishes as you free yourself from the cycle you found yourself in!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2014): You should reread your own question in a week or two and ask yourself if you really sound like a person who "loves" this man...Or if he loves you for that matter? You sound paralyzed; you sound just as afraid of being with him as you're afraid of leaving him.
When people have issues like addiction, anger issues, (or in his case just being a generic run of the mill asshole), they typically change for themselves...not for other people no matter how much you believe you love him. I don't know him, but it doesn't sound like he even wants to change...he just resents you for asking.
I don't think losing him could be more painful than living with someone who treats you the way he does. Please leave this guy and move on with your life.
Good luck
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