A
female
age
36-40,
*otmamma
writes:I have been with my partner for three years and we have a lovely little boy. We moved in together in September last year and things just are not the same. Fair enough he goes to work so I can train at college to become a hairdresser but the problem is he just does not help out in the house or with my son, he leaves everything to me to do, cleaning, cooking and sorting out our son and then when it comes to bed he can't understand why I am tired and want to go to sleep. I have tried talking to him the nice way and the hard way but that only works for a week or two.I love him dearly but I feel that I am at the end of my tether and don't know what to do. I don't think that I am being unreasonable asking for help with some housework etc but it seems that he can be bothered to clean his car on a weekly basis as he classes that as important as he does not want to be seen in a dirty car! Can anyone come up with a solution before I crack up as I feel that I can't take any more. It is getting to the stage that I feel it would maybe be better on my own as I am doing everything on my own anyway!
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (6 March 2009):
 One weekend. Just one weekend, tell him you need to go somewhere for one weekend.. Without him and without your little boy.
Or better still, not one the weekend, but on a weekday. Give him the list of chores and things to do, and a separate list especially on your little boy. If you gave him short notice only, hopefully he will not have time to rally help from his mother/sister/friends to help him while you are away.
Call in twice a day to check up on your son (and him). See how he "enjoys" housework and childcare. Unless of course, he "cheats" by not doing chores and only have take outs for himself. But of course, that means he'd have to spend more money than usual, right?
If he still is not getting it, then perhaps you can draw a list or roster of chores to do: who does what when. If he thinks he is being "clever" in avoiding his bit, like not washing the dishes for today and thinks that you are going to do it tomorrow anyway, well, you'll be much cleverer. You'll only wash the dishes that you'll be using that day. The same goes for vacuming/cleaning. Divide the rooms to be cleaned, not the days on who cleans when. And the same with laundry/ironing. And for cooking.
If he complains that you are always too tired for him, ask him if you can hire a part time help with the house. So that you can have time and energy for him at the end of the day.
Men are thick sometimes. But, sometimes, they get lazy around the house because we women let them get away with it by being impatient (when he doesn't do it right, we take over the task) or being tooooo tolerant ;-)
And, if that does not work either, you have two options: move out (thus deprive your son of bonding with his father, and yourself, for the need to be close to him), or stay and accept his as he is now.
Frustrating as it is with him being a bit lazy and a bit of a sod, you could do worse. You could end up with a b/f who is abusive, violent, or addicted to substance (which could lead to abusive behaviour).
Btw, my dad used to be like your b/f: washing car took priority than watching over me when I was little, when my mom was out on errands. All I remembered was always feeling happy when my dad was "in charge" of me on his own. Until my mom told me, years and years later, that she would always found me so very "highly energized" (like the Energizer alkaline battery "Bunny" advert) with all the sugars I got my hands on. Dad was too busy with his car of course. LOL
So take a deep breath, and see which options are feasible for you to do now.
Good luck, and good patience!
Cat
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Have you talked to him about this? I would sit down and figure out a fair way to divide the household chores. It is his house too right? Just because he works doesnt mean that you dont. Raising a son and going to school is work, dont kid yourself. Tell him your are not superwoman and cant handle all of this yourself. Its not fair that he would expect it. Stand up for yourself girl!
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