A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m very confused. Hurt. Scared. And i don't know what happened to my life. I need help. Summer of senior year I got a friend request from this boy that was going to one of the Universities I was going to. I left it there for like a month but when I decided I was going to the same university I added him. We were from the same country etc. And he was president of my countries associations at our university. So I thought might as well get to know him etc. So we started talking. I was nice and so was he. It was quick and I said okay hope to see you around and but he didn’t give up. I didn’t give him my number until way later. But we used to chat a lot etc. I fell in love with him through those chats. We just clicked. It was great. I wasn’t expecting anything. Not really. But It was fun I guess. He was nice. When I finally met him it was amazing. We hung out for two weeks. We went out to eat. We hung out with my suitemates etc. Then two weeks later he told me he had a girlfriend. and he was going to tell me but didn’t know how to etc. stupid reason I know. Well we stopped talking for about 2-3 months. Maybe an occasional text. Most ignored. Then we started hanging out again in October 2010. We would talk sometimes. But I had decided we were going to be friends. He would come over like every 2-3 weeks. And I did like him but I knew he was taken so I put him in the friend zone. He would always ask me to have lunch with him. And I would deny but he would never give up. Whenever we did hang out late at night other people would be there. I never let him touch me etc. I respect myself. I would’ve hate him if he cheated on his gf. Okay long story short. He dumped his girlfriend around April and then we went out. It was amazing. He’s basically my first real boyfriend. He was perfect in the beginning. But isn’t everyone? He would take me out etc. He would hang out with my friends. He was cute he would text me good morning and good night. He would lay with me. You know all the perfect boyfriend stuff. Well we could only spend like 3 weeks together because summer started. We had to be apart during summer because I’m muslim and my parents wouldn’t be happy about me dating. Plus I had to go home to visit my parents etc. We did see each other like 5 times throughout the summer.Summer was great. We talked and everything was fine. My parents found out about us and told me to never talk to him. I agreed. But I was just seeing him behind their back. Anyways school started. And I tried alcohol for the first time in my life. Stupidest decision of my life. Idk how this happened. But He took my virginity from me. I was drunk because I never wanted to do it. I don’t even remember if I said yes. But he knew what I believed in. I wanted to stay a virgin until marriage. I believed my husband deserved it. I cried for weeks about losing my virginity. I’m muslim and come from a culture where you have to be a virgin. My family is open minded and they basically let me American. They sent me to college. I live far from them. They trusted me. I hate myself for letting him do this to me. I didn’t know what to do around September I was confused and He was sorry. He said he would take it back :/ I was scared. He said we were going to end up together anyways it didn’t matter. He was sorry. SO I decided to stay..I mean what choice did I have? I wasn’t a virgin. Marrying someone else was going to me so complicated. Then like 4 weeks later he emotionally cheated on me. He would text this girl at like 2 am. When we were eating lunch, dinner, watching a movie. He let me use his computer one day and his facebook was open. I looked I shouldn’t have but I saw that he was talking to his girl and he even went to go see her. I confronted him about it and he was sorry again and said he would never do anything to hurt me. We fought a lot and finally I forgave him. We got over that. And from October 2011-June 2012 everything was okay. However on June 29 he cheated on me with his ex. They made out. He had been talking to her ever since I left college and went home. She lives in his area SO when he went home he hung out with her twice. This is what I wrote days after I found out he cheated. I feel so hurt right now. It’s like someone stabbed me a million times. I have this weird feeling in my stomach and It’s hard to breathe. I can’t sleep. eat. nothing. I would have never imagined him leaving me. I replay everything from freshman year and sophomore year and I can’t help but cry. Everything was a lie. I remember the little things he did for me and I can’t bring myself to accept that he didn’t love me. He did so many things for me. He drove me to work for 2 weeks. He had to get up at 7:40 just to take me. I could have walked but he wouldn’t let me. And after he would drop me off he would text me that he loves me. We would do everything together. I let him in. I let him take advantage of everything. He would hang out with my friends. We would go grocery shopping together. He would let me drive his car. He would take me everywhere.We would go shopping together. Play cards with eachother. I always beat him at egyptian rat screw. It would make him mad, but he would say I don’t need to win. I already won you and that’s all I’ll need. God gave me you. This hurts sooo much. He would write me poems. For my birthday he wrote the cutest poem ever….he said he hoped that he doesn’t lose the best woman he has ever met. So sad. Because he did.He wrote me this message a day before he cheated on me: I just read your card/letter again. That letter is all I have until you come back, so i read it whenever I can im sorry i was mean today, i just want you to come back for 43289493284 days instead of one..i miss you..i can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you..no distance, strict parents, or other bitches can get in the way of us mama..i promise i’ll be the one making you tea when we’re 70, telling our grandkids stories about how we fell in love..you are the love of my life and I will never let you down love you . He would hold my hand in the car. I have all these memories and they’re killing me inside. We would watch movies together. We would go get food late at night. I would make him lunch and dinner all the time. Buy him candy and the ice cream he likes. I even ironed his clothes. I’m so stupid. He would hug and kiss me all the time. He would always show me that he loved me. He would call me Jaan. He wrote me poems. He sent me flowers. He acted like he cared. We used to stay up and talk all night. He even named our children. He would always talk about the future and how we’re going to get engaged. He would talk about how he wanted to show me off to the world. I feel so betrayed. How can someone tell you that they love you but the next day cheat on you? and then tell the other girl that they’re fine with hurting me as long as the other chick is happy? Did I mean nothing? all the memories we shared? Doesn’t he remember all those promises. He swore he wouldn’t hurt me. I didn’t even want to hear those promises. I’m so confused. How could he lie to me. The past month has been a lie. He would tell me he loves me but would also text his ex too.He was in Canada for vacation when he told me that he cheated so we couldn’t contact each other much. But he basically stopped talking to me and tried to talk to the other girl more. It seemed like he was trying to get back with her. He even bough her two iphone cases. He didn’t buy me anything. Basically he forgot about me. But when he came back to the USA he came to visit me and said he was sorry he cried. And was so sorry. I didn’t know what to do. He said he doesn’t care ofr the other girl. But his texts to her didn’t seem that way. He said he wanted to be part of someone else’s life. He didn’t want to be an asshole in both of our lives. He said he thought he lost me forever so he was going to fix something. STUPID I KNOW. Anyways this is way too long . but basically I was in the process of forgiving him and he swore that he would never hurt me. He said no more hurt. I know what I did wrong. I’ll never do it again. You mean the world to me etc.I was starting to kind of maybe forgive him But I saw his phone the other day. I asked for it at first he didn’t want to show me but he finally did. And he was texting his ex again. But it wasn’t flirty just helping her with a paper. I was so mad ?I just don’t understand why he couldn’t ignore it? Am I wrong for being mad?Basically my question is…would you stay in this relationship? Would you forgive a cheater? He mean a lot to me. I love him to death ?. All of this hurts so much ?. I want to stay I love him. But I fear there is another reason I’m staying. I don’t know if I can ever get married again. I lost my virginity. I’m so scared. I didn’t deserve any of this . I’m scared of the future and when its time for me to get married. People from my culture are very strict about virginity. Will the other guy know? Can I hide it? I just can’t tell my parents. I feel like such a disappointment they trusted me. Idk please help. I don’tknow what to do. I’m so hurt and confused. I want to get married and at this point I don’t see it happening. I’m so mad at myself for making stupid decisions.My parents don’t even like him. My mom thinks I can find someone better looking and I can do so much better. I didn’t care about what my parents said because I’m more into what kind of person someone is than the way they look.My ex boyfriend looks so innocent but he is a monster . I don’t know. But my main question is about virginity. Will my future husband know I’m a virgin? Especially if I don’t do it for the next 2-3 years? I literally can’t get married ? I hate myself. I mean I’m a huge disappointment to my parents. I let him use me.
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cheated on me, drunk, engaged, facebook, fell in love, flirt, flowers, his ex, lost my virginity, muslim, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ahusband +, writes (6 January 2013):
It's been 6 months since anyone has responded to you. I hope you have moved on from this bad experience of your life and have found the forgiveness and happiness God wants you to have. I hate that you are agonizing over this. You don't have to be. I am an older married man, very active and very happy. I have had two virgins in my life and also some nonvirgins as well. Mine was not a very stellar past. In anycase to answer your main question it was very easy for me to tell which females were virgins and which ones weren't. But IT DOESN'T MATTER. Honesty, is what most men will be looking for. And you certainly want to be honest with your future husband, right?Your future husband will certainly put the current virtue of honesty above your past experiences. Don't marry anyone who doesn't.So, in the future if you like a guy tell him clearly and early in the relationship, at an appropriate time, that you aren't a virgin. My wife did just that. Also tell him you are a different person now than then and that you plan to abstain from sex again until you are married, period. He will probably like that. If he doesn't just set him free. It's that simple.You see I was in that position with my current wife of 48 years and the experiences she had before our relationship never bothered me even one time. She was honest in the beginnig. She was 18 when we met and would only date me if I went to church regularly with her. We were married 6 days after she turned 20. When we started dating the thought of being so close to someone so pristine and pure made me feel like a million dollars sitting next to her. You see it wasn't her past I was attracted to. I was attracted to HER. As she was. In the living now. Almost all men understand this and are like this, don't worry about it. Just distance yourself from those who aren't. If you find out early in a relationship that a guy can't get past your not being virgin set him free to find the virgin he's looking for. That's ok. Both of you will be thankful later. But don't tie yourself up with someone whose opinion differs from yours in that area. If you do damage will be done to both of you. Neither of you is at fault set him free. God will not abandon either of you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 July 2012):
 He was not a good boyfriend. This is the thing that is difficult to understand, but you understand it more as you grow older. I'm just beginning to understand it myself. If a man does something good, and then does something bad, you can't erase the bad. You can't erase the good either, but you need to look at the entire package!
You can't say "he's a good boyfriend minus cheating and sexually assaulting me". Then you might as well say "He was a horrible man who should be in jail, minus the few good things he did". See? You can't erase parts of him, he's BOTH good and bad. What you need to determine is if the TOTAL package is, in total, good or bad. And in this case I would call him bad. He was not a good boyfriend. A good boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on you. A good boyfriend would have respected your wishes to stay virgin.
You have now learned that bad men also have good sides. No one is 100 % good or bad. They are all a mix of good and bad. But many men don't do such bad things! What your boyfriend did was just wrong! And I hope you understand that these things he did aren't things you should ever look away from and say "he was good if it wasn't for this or that". Never do that. You can't erase that part of him. You need to always look at the whole picture when it comes to men and relationships.
Men can't tell if a woman is a virgin or not. They think they can, but they really can't. There are many ideas about what a virgin should be like, but these ideas aren't true. A virgin should bleed, a virgin should know nothing about sex, a virgin should be scared of the penis, a virgin should feel pain, a virgin should be tight, a virgin should not enjoy her first time. These are all stereotypes. But I didn't bleed my first time. I didn't feel much pain either. I wasn't lubricated though. If you don't know what I mean, being lubricated is when your body is preparing for sex. Your vagina will become wet when you are preparing for sex, so as to make it easier for the penis to slide in. If you are not lubricated/wet then you will experience pain when the man tries to penetrate you. This will be painful for every woman, even if she is not a virgin!
As for a future husband. I think you should try to calm down a bit. You have not yet met any man who you can think about marrying. First things first. First you need to remove your boyfriend out of your life. And then you need to get back on track with studies, and shape your life back to what you want it to be like. Then if you meet a man, and you like him, or if your parents find you a man.. well, then is the time to worry about this. Not now. Do not worry in advance. I think that when the time comes for you to meet a man, you will have your answers. Perhaps it will not be so scary to tell your husband the truth. But as of now.. you don't have a husband yet, you haven't even met someone you might marry. So you should not think too far ahead. Focus on your situation here and now.
This boyfriend of yours is NOT your future husband. He is not good enough for you. He betrayed you. He used you. He can not have a second chance, because he didn't value the chance you gave him. He didn't value the trust you gave him. So no, this is not your future husband. Let him go. It is hurtful, but if you keep clinging on to hopes that you and him might be together again you will never find the man you are supposed to marry! If you want to find your future husband you need to let go of this boyfriend. There's not "if it's meant to be it will happen" with him! If it was meant to be then he wouldn't have betrayed you. Simple as that. If it was meant to be then he would have asked you to marry him BEFORE he had sex with you. He didn't. He didn't ask you to marry him. So no, he is not the man you will marry. If he didn't ask you after he had sex with you then he never will ask you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You for the help!My friends are saying the same thing. Its just so hard :( He was such a big part of my life last year. What makes me so angry that he is a good boyfriend minus those stupid things he did. He did treat me well with everything else. This hurts so much :(I wish he would've just left with the other girl. but now he's here and I have to break up with him. I mean I'm not with him right now but I told him I need time. Okay so about virginity. Is it that obvious? I don't even remember that night. Like some of it. and I know I told him I love him but he knew how I felt about it. no sex until marriage. He took advantage of the situation :( I don't remember much :( So in my culture the girl is supposed to bleed on her wedding night. I don't remember bleeding. he told me I didn't bleed. idk and I know i'm not as tight as before. I feel stupid for I should be fearing God. I'm sitting here trying to hide it from my future husband when God knows everything. But I'm just scared. so Scared. I feel so bad. My parents trusted me. they have expectations. I don't know what to do about my virginity. My friend told me he won't notice but idk :(. Is there anything I can do? probably not. I hope everything is the same in the next 2-3 years? Idk if there are any men on this website. But can you tell? Again thank you so much for your help. You guys have given me the strength to reject him. If we're meant to be we'll end up together. But I need to let him go right now...he needs to punished. So he understands that I'm worth more than what he thinks. I deserve better. All I can do is hope that my future husband will understand :(.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2012): Sweetie, I'm sorry but this guy is using/playing you. :( he sounds very dirty & he knows whatever he does you'll eventually forgive him so he's also abusing that. Please get rid of him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2012): To answer your question:No, no one can tell whether you are a virgin or not, not even your future husband.Although, there are a lot of men who will accept that you are not a virgin and will love you for who you are.In regards to him; leave him, he was definitely up for cheating on his first girlfriend with you otherwise he wouldnt have lead you on at the beginning, now he's cheated on you and he's still talking to his ex, he is a chronic cheater, I'm not saying he didn't love you, but there is definitely another side to him where he gets his kicks out of cheating on women and hurting them emotionally, which will only lead you to a lot of pain and hurt in the future. I know it's painful but you should leave him now whilst the majority of your life is still in tact, because I can tell you now, if you stay with him the only thing in your future will be pain, and lots of it.Good Luck, I am sure you will find a man who treats you well and whom will love you for who you are, warts and all.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (29 July 2012):
 Your questions are should you stay with him, and can you still get married. Well you call your ex a monster, and quite rightly, so yes I think you should leave him. You can't forgive someone who you know to be a monster and who has caused so much pain. And yes you can still get married. The right man will understand your situation. Even if you can't bring yourself to tell him all the facts, I think it's likely that he will be more open minded than you expect. You can close this chapter of your life now. I know how desperately painful it is when someone who acts in such a caring way cheats. Sometimes there is no way to make sense of it, no answers. It's very hard, I know. You can still go on to have a perfectly happy life with a husband and children. You're not a bad person.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 July 2012):
So what your beloved boyfriend did was rape you? And you think he should get away with it, so you accept his apologies? He stole from you something that was of highest value to you, and you just let him get away with it???
You should have told the police what happened. You might not have gotten far, but it would have been on records. Then you should tell your parents now. Tell them the truth, that you didn't want for it to happen, but that it happened against your will.
It doesn't matter if you were drunk or not, if you didn't AGREE to it then no man has a right to do as he pleases with you.
I think you should leave your boyfriend because of what he did to you. He took your virginity. I hope you never had sex with him again. He used you. But I will tell you this, I think you will be married. I think you will find a wonderful man who will marry you. A man who will accept that your virginity was taken from you against your will, as long as you have not touched alcohol since, and have not had sex again since. Men are human beings too, they are capable of showing empathy and concern. But you will not find this wonderful man until you end things with your boyfriend, and end things with all men who are no good for you.
Get back on track and take back the life you want. You can have it. We all make mistakes in life, it does not mean we are doomed forever.
But never waste your time on a man who has betrayed your trust again. Never again. Don't be so forgiving so easily. And you need to determine what is truly important to you. It is one thing if a man tells you white lies that are not of importance. It is quite another when a man takes advantage of you sexually, and cheats on you. These things you should never forgive. By forgiving such things you are accepting that you are not worth more.
As for your parents.. you can choose not to tell them. If you didn't have sex again, and you do not have sex now and until you are married, it is possible that you might bleed again, and fool your husband into thinking you are a virgin.
But I would instead suggest that you calm down. And then let life happen. Life has a way of sorting things out. Do not be worried and scared about the things you can not chance. Instead look ahead, and change the things you CAN change: such as not drinking again, not having sex, not dating men who are not good enough, not go against your parents. Do things right for you from here on, and I believe things will sort themselves out.
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