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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi guys, this will be a long one so please bear with me...I moved abroad around 3 years ago for work. Two years in, I met Jay who I thought was, as tacky as it sounds, the one for me. I had never had this connection with anybody before and there was a lot of passion and closeness in our relationship.Jay has a female friend called Kate. He would go out of his way for her like - wait 1 hour at work just to walk her home, spend his lunch breaks helping her do her food shopping, etc. Even Jay's ex before us, asked if anything was going on between them which he has always denied... When Jay and I started dating, she threw a fit that he chose to see me instead of her and tried to make him jealous by bragging about the men she was seeing.I wasn't very comfortable with the friendship but tolerated it. She ended up moving abroad to New Zealand and I forgot about her. Until months later.Jay and I were having a fight over one of my exes that I have zero contact with. In retaliation, I asked to see his messages with Kate and when I saw them it made me incredibly uncomfortable. It wasn't full blown in your face stuff, it was more like calling each other cutesie names and saying how much their friendship meant to each other. I stupidly asked him to block her because they made me sick. I knew he has her on other social media and even felt bad the day after and told him they should talk. He said he wouldn't and didn't want to make me uncomfortable. This happened in July.Well, in Jan he ended up contacting her behind my back using his work email. He ended up telling her it had all been my fault and made me sound awful to her. I also caught him in lies so it made me crazy. The girl only replied to his initial message and then never bothered to contact him back after he begged to be friends.Last week she came to our country and sent a text asking to meet him. I told him it made me so uncomfortable and to respect my boundaries. He ended up choosing her. I lost my mind and had one of the worst fights with him ever. He ended up leaving and has moved in to one of his friends apartments (says he got a 1 year contract)I am now left with all the bills and apartment. Worse part is he pushed me to quit my job to pursue my dream job. Said he will support me... I haven't been successful and its been 5 months of unemployment.He is also confusing me now, cause he has recently sent me messages saying how he loves me and would hate to see me with another man and we need to stay friends. He still believes he did absolutely nothing wrong and has been telling his friends how crazy I am because I did literally lose it when this happened.... I have no family here or friends so this is all really hard for me. Please give me your advice? Is this all my fault? Do you think something was going on between them? Will manage to get a job back after this long being uenemployed?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): O.k this guy left you last week knowing how difficult it would be for you to move on.He knows you'll get kicked out on the street if you cant find a room mate so reorganize the house and get a couple of girls students in to help pay the rent.Priority one.Rent and food.Was the contract in your name?File a claim in the family courts for his share of unpaid anything.Or pack up and go home to mama to get some breathing space.Then let the landlord sue you both or him if he holds the contract.Dont feel bad if you can return to mom while you sort yourself out.Mums love daughters usually and fly to their defence.He is a deadbeat in your opinion and mine because he made false promises and gave you a false sense of security and then dumped it all on you.Not only that he chose to put this other woman over and above you which was extra ordinarily stupid and selfish.ok you freaked out and went way over the top.What's done is done and probably cant be undone.Learn to be a little less emotional.If you threatened him with violence you are in the wrong in the eyes of the law but if you take it to family courts they sort this kind of thing out.It happens. You lost it for a while but you have a life to live and you dont want to live it in jail or on the streets so you need a survival strategy.One thing is that you dont have is children so no custody battle.See it as a learning experience.Speak to advice agencies to check out your legal situation.Contact universities to see if anyone needs lodgings and look for work.If all else fails then return the keys and stay with a relative or a friend.Yes its devastating but its time for a change and you can do it.I think its too much water under the bridge to rekindle.Now hes telling you he loves you but prior to that he wasn't listening to you about how you felt about this girl who was causing cracks to develop in your relationship albeit unwittingly.Some one has to save you and the best person to do it is yourself.Try womens support groups and help lines because you are not the first woman whose world has just crashed down and you wont be the last.Mingling with others who feel they have been betrayed usually helps a lot.Offer to work with single mums and baby/ toddler groups.You'll be surprised how useful you can be even as just another pair of kind hands.Get integrated fast.You can be a valuable individual too.You may feel knocked out but you can get back up and face another kind of future.This does not mean you need to portray yourself as vulnerable.Watch out for con artists.They prey on the desperate!
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 August 2018):
 You both made the mistake of relying on your emotions instead of your intellect.
He carried on an inappropriate friendship with a female colleague. This would have raised questions in anyone's mind, just as it did for his ex. HOW you choose to deal with it is what separates the secure/mature from the insecure. You chose the latter route.
He offered, and you accepted, his financial support without any real commitment and without knowing one another that well for that long. That's something a married couple might do, but not two people who are just shacking up. In the event that the marriage ends, both parties have some recourse. Roomies who have sex don't.
Now he's hedging his bets with wanting to remain friends and you not dating other men. I don't think he's out to use and hurt you. It's just that he's following what FEELS good (for him) and not what IS good.
So, I agree with Honeypie, and I think you should direct all that hurt and anger into building a life for yourself. Many a successful people have hit bottom and been worse off than you, so I'm confident you'll succeed beyond your wildest dreams. This is a learning, character building event in your life. Have faith, take it one step, one day at a time, be kind to yourself and keep things simple.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 August 2018):
 I think you should cut all contacts with him and focus on finding a job that can pay the bills. Getting your dream job might have to wait.
When you GET a job, start saving (as much as you can) so in due time you can pursue your dream-job.
Honestly? You sound insectivore and looking for drama - my guess is that while he "promised" to support you he WAS looking for a way out of the relationship.
Whether he was cheating with HER or not.. it's irrelevant as you are broken up.
If you have any skills you can find a job, it may not be your dream job, but that isn't necessary for now, getting one that will pay your bills IS.
As for him, he sounds like a wanker. Of course he calls YOU crazy but... he also FED you the drama. I think it was PRETTY much on purpose. And now he wants to be friends? He calls you NUTS to all his friends and you still talk to him? What is wrong with you?
Was it your fault? Yes and no. He FEED you drama because he KNEW you would react. He KNEW you would SNOOP (otherwise how would you know he e-mailed her on his work -email and what it said?) and that would be the EASIEST way to get "rid" of you and the "burden" of taking care of you financially.
YOU put yourself in a situation where you HAD/HAVE to rely on a man financially who really owes you squat. You took yourself of the job market and LET him take care of you. Which isn't wise. (as you now know) While I get it's lovely to pursue a dream but it should be COSTING someone else for you to do so.
And words are just that... words. HIS promise to take care of you... He might have meant it but hopes that it would go a LOT faster. I mean it seems like he couldn't wait to get out of there and even signed a 1 year contract ELSEWHERE...
CUT the contact, he is selfish prat who doesn't REALLY care about you. The reason he wants to be "friends" now is to keep you around like he has with Kate - Kate isn't taking to him and he wants "free" ego rubs...
Time to take charge of your life and take out the trash - which is everything that has to do with HIM.
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