A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My BF of a year and a half had some type of trauma nearly 12 yrs ago. He eludes to it having made him who he is today but he won't share the story with me. I'm a bit hurt he won't share this big part of his life with him. I've shared my deepest, darkest secrets with him but he still keeps this one part of himself safely hidden away. I feel like if he shared I could help heal this raw nerve that still affects him today. What should I do, secrets scare me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 July 2012):
 I think everyone here gave great answers, but I have to say I agree the most with Youwish. My first thoughts were perhaps he had been sexually abused, but at his age 12 years ago that would seem rather unlikely. I think she brings up a very good point...perhaps a little background information would help relieve your mind. I understand some things that happen to us are very painful and we don't feel comfortable talking about them, but secrets can be very dangerous (sometimes even deadly!) and a discreet background check might relieve your mind. Who knows? It could have been a terrible relationship/break up, an unexpected pregnancy...the list goes on and on! The fact is though, you need to protect yourself. My ex husband had been sexually abused as a small child and didn't tell me till after we were married and we were having alot of bedroom problems. It would have been the last thing I had ever expected him to admit to. You just never know. Protect yourself ok?
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2012):
 I believe in patience, but I also believe in protection. I'd make sure he didn't commit a crime. I'd make sure that his traumatic event wasn't him losing control and seriously hurting someone. I'd also make sure he didn't do something that puts me at risk when it came to being physically intimate with him, as in having a STI or something of that nature, so I would ask those questions.
I may spark fierce outrage from some people over what I'm going to say next, but I wouldn't regret doing this:
I run a little paranoid (having had an incident with a stalker when I was college age that was extremely terrifying), so I would honestly (and very quietly) run a criminal background check on him to make sure he wasn't involved in something that would come as a nasty surprise later, such as beating a former wife and girlfriend almost to death, robbing a bank, or something like that. I would never tell him that I did this.
I give this advice because if he is also between 41-50, that would make this great secret fall between 29 and 38, which seems too old to be a childhood sexual trauma, and many guys aren't sexually abused unless they were drugged in a bar or spent time in prison. I agree he might have been a soldier and could have experienced PTSD, in which case it's understandable he can't talk about it. Most soldiers can hardly talk about what they saw at war. My father is a veteran, and I'll never forget the look on his face when, as a little girl, I asked him if he had killed people in the war. He told me that he can never answer that question. I've heard snippets since then that I can piece together that something really bad happened to him. I'm okay with not knowing.
Let him tell you on his own, even if it takes 10 years. HOWEVER, run a background check on him just to be sure. Doesn't sound romantic, but it needs to be done when there are unresolved secrets. I'd probably (and this is me) ask him if it involves cheating on a past lover, and then I'd leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (3 July 2012):
 I think as the relationship progresses he will eventually tell you what it is. Just respect his space and don't be judgemental or harsh. It is probably something he has great difficulty talking about; he may even be harboring feelings of embarrassment. Generally when men are sexually abused they feel ashamed; less of a man. So he keeps the details quiet. Don't push him for more. He'll tell you when the time is right, when he feels you're in it for the long haul, when he feels comfortable doing so.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 July 2012):
 The first thing that came to mind is sexual assault, and we see that the obvious victims are children or teenagers but the older men are the silent victims who are ashamed to get help because they thought they should have been able to protect themselves. This is the only thing I could think about, and something that's the most difficult to share with a spouse.
You can acknowledge the trauma and be patient but he is the one who needs to get therapy so it does not affect your relationship or intimacy anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): As you say it was some type of trauma, so I would say that maybe it is something he just cannot talk about and cannot relive by talking about it. If it is a huge trauma then only he can heal it himself. I know you want to help him and that it scares you, but in this case I think it's best if you just wait until he is ready to talk about if ever. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or that he doesn't trust you, it simply means he is not ready to face what happened.I say this to you because I had a huge trauma myself, I was raped and when I found the man I love, I couldn't tell him what happened, I eluded to the fact I had been through something terrible, but I couldn't relive what happened by telling him. He was upset and felt I was keeping something from on purpose, took that I didn't trust him. Over time he pushed me to share it with him, made me feel guilty for not telling him, he eventually wore me down and I told him, I also simply was not ready to talk about it and it really messed with my mind, and although I have now gotten the help I needed, I broke up with him because I felt that although he cared about me, he couldn't respect and trust that I would come to him when I was ready to talk.I know it's hard but be patient, he may simply not be ready to talk about it at all. By respecting his wish not to talk about it, you are helping him to feel comfortable and get the courage to discuss it with you. I know it isn't easy for you, but this is one secret which is more about his readiness to face, and forcing someone to face something they are not ready to face only causes more damage to them and I know you don't want that. I hope this helps. Good Luck
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