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female
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anonymous
writes: I wonder if you can give me some advice. I feel very confused. I have been with my partner 6 months and love him dearly. About 3 months into the relationship I looked at his phone and found text messages which where pretty sexual from a girl he'd met through a dating website - he'd also said he hadn't got her pictures through yet anyway i confronted him and owned up to snooping on his phone and he broke down and said he would never have met her and only did it to reassure himself that i was the right girl to open up to. We had been talking about moving in together and he has been badly hurt in the past and was scared but couldn't say. Anyway we moved past all this and I got over the hurt and started to trust him. Well on saturday I was innocently looking for an envelope in his drawer and found all these profiles he'd written down of women. when I confronted him he said they were old (around the time i found those texts from that girl) but it just didn't add up and felt like he wasn't telling me the truth. Anyway whilst at work yesterday i asked him to be completely honest and it came out that when i'm not with him in the week he gets lonely and doesn't want to burden me with his being down so chats to men and women (different people each time) and they chat about all sorts, films, sport, politics - he assured me it doesn't get sexual. I feel so confused. I have met his family and he does lots for me and I know he loves me but had he just told me from the start he chats with these people I would have been fine about it but its the lying and now my head is in overdrive - I wonder if it does get sexual has he met up with them (all of which he promises is not the case). i can't eat or sleep properly and I don't know what to do, I don't want to loose him cos we are so well suited and I love him so much but i don't know how to get past the whole trust issue now. he has promised to open up to me and tell me how he feels. Of course now when we are not together (about 3 nights a week) i will be worrying about what he is doing and who he is talking to. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005): dump him!! if he has not got enough respect for you to leave other women alone then he doesn't deserve you. These stories about him not wanting to bother you with his troubles are all lies. He is using your emotional attachment to him as a weapon to feed you these lies. If he has treated you this way then you must finish it because he will continue to do this to you. If you put up with this type of behaviour from a man then you cannot complain about the things he is doing. I think you need to really work on your self esteem and self worth. Once you've learnt to love yourself you won't look twice at a loser like that - trust me!!!Be strong, break away from this messy relationship and start a fresh. It may seem scary at first but we came into this world alone and we will go alone - don't depend on a man for anything!
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (13 December 2005):
 Whether or not he is meeting up with these people, it can still be an affair. An emotional affair is one that can be sexual or not and many times they start out as just friends. Often what starts out as casual convesation turns into feelings of deep understanding a sometimes can be mistaken for love. They will pull away from their current relationships and become more and more involved with the fantasy world. The problem here seems to be one that he has already had a relationship that you found out about, and two he is still hiding facts about his internet use. You may find, as time goes on it will become increasingly hard for you to compete with the instant gratification the internet friends can provide. To trust him again you would need some reassurance of his activity while on the internet when you are not around. Will he be willing to make all of his accounts and passwords available to you, to regain your trust? Only you can decide if this is something you are willing to deal with, but if it were me I would think twice before investing anymore of my emotions into someone that keeps hiding things from me.
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