A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been with my partner for 4 and a half years now, engaged for 2 years. We are both managers in the hospitality and leisure industry, so work consumes all of our lives, 24/7. We actually live above the place we work, so it literally is full on. Working together and being in a relationship also means that we are together for large amounts of the day. This has never been an issue before as we've both been comfortable enough with each other to go and spend an hour or so apart, either reading or in the bath etc etc to get our own space.I found out 2 weeks ago that he has been texting a girl where we work and they have shared inappropriate text messages. I found these on his phone after he had gone to sleep and I was devastated. He'd always told me that he would never embarrass me that much to cheat on me with someone at work because it consumes so much of our lives. I asked him outright a day before I found out, whether there was anything going on between him and this particular girl, to which he was adamant there wasn't. So when I find these messages and see the various phone calls listed on his phone, I have to question whether he is telling me the whole truth when he tells me he is no longer texting her. To make matters worse, I have to manage this girl as there is no way I can change my shifts at the moment and as understanding as they have been so far, the general manager is starting to get a bit tired of me moping around I think. I am having such inferiority complexes and I have told him that I want him to change the way he treats me, but as of yet, we still bicker and argue and I'm always left apologising and feeling like I'm in the wrong. He's very good with words which is another reason why I can't trust him 100% yet. Is it wrong for me to assume that he'd be bending over backwards to please me and make me feel special? I know that's how I'd be if things were the other way round. I don't think he realises how much he's hurt and embarrassed me and I know that he says it has gone no further and that there are people on here whose husbands have cheated on them when they were pregnant etc, so I feel a little pathetic when I'm writing this, but I feel so at a loss with how to deal with the whole situation. He tells me that I'll either get over it straight away or it will take years and in respect to the latter, he doesn't think he'll want to wait around that long because he doesn't want to have it keep getting thrown back at him. Every time I tell him I'm struggling, instead of supporting me, he makes me feel so small and I have to ask him to hug me, he hardly ever takes it upon himself to hug me first.I know I've painted a pretty bad picture of him, but I do love him and want to work through this. I just don't know how.Thank you x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 We always hurt the one's we loved the most.With others , we are more guarded and careful .
Men and women look at the same issues with different perceptions.What he thinks is just a simple and clear cut case ,can be complex and complicated case to the woman.
Sometimes, you need to see it from his perspective. There are no answers or endings in some issues and there are issues which cannot be resolved.
It would be better to stay away from those contentious or negative issues and focus on the common or positive views.
If you focus on those negative issues , it will divide you and build a wall between you two.It will also make you grow or pull you apart.
It is better to build than to tear down your house.
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