A
female
age
41-50,
*c1
writes:been with my partner 7 years first 5 were hard as he was seperated from his wife and his family didnt accept me after 5 years he went back to his wife who was ill but it broke my heart he also said he couldnt divorce for money reasons anyway after a month we got back together he was tired of hus wife again wen i said she was ill she liked to drink we got back together but he didnt tell his family we were back one year had passed and i said either tell them or its finished he was on holiday at the time with his 2 sisters he said hed sort it when he came back during thats time his wife took a brain clot and died that was over one year ago he ssid he vouldnt tell them now as there mother has passed awsy i sympathise with his kids but he has to tell the truth he comes yo my house mingles with my parents and all of my family he attends family functions but i cant go near his house i feel stupid and hurt
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Hi
Never feel embarassed about going to a professional for counselling.
You call a plumber when you need a plumber,
You call a dentist when you need a dentist.
You call a farrier when you need a farrier
You call a carpenter when you need a carpenter.
And you call a counsellor when you need counselling.
It is a service like any other service and they can help put things in perspective and help you clarify what is really important and what helps and what does not
Hope the counselling goes well. And if you do not 'connect' after a couple of sessions with the counsellor then book a different one. Some counsellors suit some people. And other people suit a different counseller.
Your life should not be put on hold due to a selfish vacillating man who cannot make a decision.
Best Wishes
Abella
A
female
reader, rc1 +, writes (15 June 2012):
rc1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthnkyou so much for your very sensible kind advice i cry when i read it the truth is i think i do need councilling as there isnt a day goes past where im not going over the past and alwsys leaves me feeling bitter angry but in the end up sad i sleep most days to stop me thinking why? my friends cant understand it as there words are look at you and look at him but i dont see that at the end of the day looks are skin derp but his full on things will change leaves me feeling so happy only gor it yo be forgotten and not put in place i have 2 great children and 2 lovely mastiff dogs as well as a lovely horse who all treat me well and im ashamed to say they all took a back seat while ive struggled with my mind i know its time to change and find me again my name is heather xxx thanks again you dont know wat it means to read something that relates yo how you feel heal say im depressed and not thinking straight but i know its wrong but my mind is so lost and muddled up i forget things simple things like groceries or wat id done today i feel embarassed going to a councillor but i cant deal with this anylonger its desdestroying me xxxx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 June 2012):
Thank you for your update.
When you look after you and assertively look after you and ensure that your needs are met you will start ReBuilding your confidence in you.
If his shoddy treatment has eroded your self esteem then that is evidence of all the reasons why this man is not good enough for you.
Start with some small steps. Get your hair done, and maybe even a lovely treatment at a day spa. Be less available for him while he ponders losing you.
Turn your cell phone off. that's this weekend.
Next weekend do something that will keep you even busier. And not at home. With the cell phone turned off. Even if you go visit a relative. Be a tourist in your own area. And unavailabe to him.
You could even consider developing a new hobby that is an interest, something that puts you in touch with others. It could even become an income source later. You will know how creative you are.
Or you may prefer to join a group of volunteers in the community.
Because you need to connect with good people who will value and appreciate you. You have over the last 7 years put your faith in him. But he has not shown similar faith in you.
You may need a short term series of counselling sessions to help you grow stronger as you make it clear that he need to treat you more favorably or lose you. Or even to help you get over him.
He has been undermining you for too long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): This is a terrible situation to be in. You are with him 7 years pretty much and you are still not welcome and made part of his family. How long does he expect you to wait?If he saw you as a true priority and long term prospect, something he cherishes and values, you would be in his life, on those family vacations, whether his family liked you or not, because he loves you. When a man loves you, you are his life. Even though he has to be careful for the sake of his children, its been 7 YEARS!No more excuses should be acceptable. I would have to say this is going nowhere. You are like a mistress, a dirty secret that he does not want coming too close to his life.I would move on and know that you deserve better than this.There are men out there who would adore you and make you a priority, so why settle for second best.It seems to me he is a man of excuses. Let him go.
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A
female
reader, rc1 +, writes (15 June 2012):
rc1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for your clear frank reply i know you are 100 p er cent in saying this ive suffered severe depression through all of this and it has affectd my life terribly all my friends and family have noticed a huge diff in my one bubbly kind friendly nature but the sad fact is and i hate myself for letting this happen to me im paying the price for my own doing and tha is giving my self respect and pride ive been used his wife trwated him badly for years untill he left he is now treating me the same way like dirt
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 June 2012):
What does this man use for a backbone? Jelly?
I am so sorry that he is putting you through this treatment. He is telling you, by his actions, that you are unsuitable to introduce to his family. And finding flimsy excuses to cover his discomfort.
He needs to show his hand right now. He is a widower. There is no impediment to him making things more permanent with you.
Unless he feels you are unsuitable?
You have been perfectly suitable in private and he clearly enjoys your company, in private.
Yes he was cheating on his wife for several years. He is no saint, even if he tries to create that public impression.
He needs to demonstrate more courage.
Unless he is using you as a temporary 'make-do' relationship, while he is still casting his net for what he thinks might be a better opportunity elsehwere?
Men who cheat often cannot enjoy a permanent relationship unless they also have someone on the side.
Give him a whole month to commit to you and introduce you to the world as his futher life partner, or lose you.
He needs to show some manly courage and either declare his love and his willingness to tell that to his family and to the world as well that you are his permanent life partner for your future together.
Perhaps he could write to Prince Charles for some tips on dealing with these issues?
Tell him to stop treating you like his 'friend with benefits/ bit on the side' or he can start looking for a new compliant girlfriend willing to accept his shoddy behaviour.
You know he is vacillating, and that is always a bad sign in a man. And it does not sound like a man in love. It sounds like a man looking for excuses to discourage you, with a view to you dumping him. So he does not have to be the one to do the dumping. Then he can mope around with a long face until his sisters find the next 'suitable' wife for him. He is acting like a Wimp.
You know you do deserve better and more respectful treatment
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