A
female
age
36-40,
*U(wo)MAN
writes:My boyfriend of about one year cannot cope with the fact that I have a sexual past, yet he tells he doesn't want a virgin. We love each other dearly and talk of a married future with children, but he cannot refrain from these outbursts which are verbally, emotionally, and as of recently, physically abusive (I started the physical stuff, which I know is unjustified). While I have been relieved to find countless others dealing with the same issue, there is one stark difference in my case: He has had four times (20) as many partners as I have (5). I feel that he has no right to judge me considering his own history. While I do not love thinking about his past, I can choose not to and I can breathe easy knowing he is with me NOW. He understands the hypocrisy of his feelings, but cannot escape this double-standard. He knows it is irrational and rooted in insecurity, he says he loves me more than anything (and that love is part of the reason why this matters so much). He has been a bit of a womanizer in the past and says he hardly respected women until he met me (of course that changed when I told him of my past). How is it okay for him but not for me? He has had a rough past which includes childhood abuse, this issue has distorted his views on anything sexual. I know he needs professional help, but what can I do to save my relationship and the man I love (and to save my own sanity)? Sometimes he wants to break up and next thing I know, he can't live without me. I can understand his feelings, as I hate the thought of him being with other women, but I cannot understand how a person's past can wash away established feelings of love. Is there hope? What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): There will never be any progress made about the issues that he is having until the world stops writing it off as insecurity. Maybe it seems like it must be insecurity to those who don't suffer heavily from retroactive jealousy, but there is more to it.
I have these feelings about my GFs past but I am 100% confident that I'm the best lover she has ever had. The more I care about her, the more violated I feel at the idea that other guys have slept with her. It's not a motivated by insecurity, it's coming from my intense attachment to her. I don't even feel this way when it's a girl that I am not so attached to.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): If he loves you, he's just going to have to get over it. Excuse you, what were you suppose to do sit around and wait for HIM to come along with the possibility that he may never have? I do even know you, but I really want you to take this advice: dump the bastard. PLEASE!!!Anyone that is physically and verbally abusive is a worthless heap of trash. You are a beautiful person and you need someone who will bring love and beauty into your life not abuse, depression, and negativity. Please be strong for yourself. If a dear friend of your's came to you with this problem, what would you tell them? It's going to be difficult, but get rid of him. I hope he isn't one of those dangerous freaks. Good luck! Hugs!
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