A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi i have a big problem as this guy likes me i told him that i liked him too, but i dont i was drunk when i said it now he never stops ringing or texting or IM me. I want to give it a try with him hes got the best personality ever but his looks are not good. i know its not all about looks but there has to be something there with me and theres not. I have never had a boy friend and if i reject him im afraid i wont ever get asked out again. What should i do i am very confuzed :(!x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): you will get another boyfriend trust me lol...give him a chance he could be the love of your life..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): People can debate that a person's personality takes precedence (sp?) over a person's looks when it comes to intimate relationships. However, I have to digress. A person's looks is as much as a compatibility factor as a person's personality. Unless we were all born and go through life formless and body-less, our innate human desires still connect with a person's looks - face, body, shape, size, height, expression, and style.
A person's looks can very well objectify a person's personality up to a degree. Mind you, like I said, up to a degree.
Think, are you feeling you want to be with him for the long run, or are you attracted to him because he has great character? The earlier is stability and picking something from compromise and the later is along the same spectrum of lust. Though uncommon, it's not impossible to lust after someone's personality.
Anyway, there are other factors as well. How much are you influenced by external things such as your friends' approval, your family's approval, your common media-related desires, and how you see yourself with that person in various venues. This might look 'shallow' to some, but this is also about the connective interaction between you and him and the environment.
Lots to think about when digging deeper, but the choice is still quite simple. You were probably driven by the alcohol in your system in the desire for deeper meaningful friendship coupled with intimacy. As said, you will only really have a clearer picture, once you're not drunk and you spend more time with him as friends. After awhile, you will get a feel whether he is good enough for you or not.
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A
female
reader, TheOneWhoNeedsAnswers  +, writes (24 October 2007):
i honestly think if you like the dude give him a chance and if things dont work out then break it off just because you broke it off with one guy doesnt mean all men wont be attracted to you. my last boyfriend everyone loved but nobody treated me differntly when i broke up with him it was all the same well what im trying to say if you feel like you should give him a chance and if things dont work out then he should understand there were no sparks and dont worry about the other guys they wont judge you because you broke up with one. so do what you feel is right and see what happens and if it doesnt work out move on.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Trev +, writes (24 October 2007):
If the looks are the main deciding factor on wreather you date a guy or not then more fool you, for you are missing out on having a great time with some of the best guys around. Girls that go for looks as a be-all and end-all are noted by the vast majority of guys as shallow and consequently one of the biggest turn offs a guy can have.
The answer here would surely be to go out with him and see how it goes - if after a few dates you find it is a no goer then cool things off gradually maintaining a good friendship with him. Then again, if it is good you could be looking at the start of one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to you.
The truth is - at the end of the day there is only one way to find out how good this one is going to be - Go out with him and see how it goes.
The best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): In my experience looks have always been the down fall part. If they have been good looking then they have turned into complete and utter monsters. Looks are only skin deep and it is the person from within you want to be looking for. I am not stunning but i am funny and can make a bloke laugh. To my mind if a person goes on look alone then they are very very shallow. Please look beyond, delve inside to the great person beneath.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): Thanks thats really helped alot and i know it would be kinda harsh to go ahead withit knowing i didnt like him in that way but now i just dont know how to say no lol im stuck at both ends! x
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A
male
reader, dapone 1 +, writes (23 October 2007):
 hi anon.
Looks are not everything in life, and finding people when you are drunk is not the best way to start a relationship,if you have no feeling for this bloke, it is best you come straight out and tell him, he is wasting his time, or he will continue to make a fool of himself and falling deeper and deeper for some one who does not careless,you should stop leading him down the garden path, tell him you have no feelings what so ever for him and tell him to find some one else, in the end that will be best for you.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (23 October 2007):
 I dont think there is anything wrong or shallow about saying that there has to be some kind of chemistry there and that part of that is based on how you view the other persons looks. To be honest I dont think going for it on the basis of being afraid of never being asked out isnt a good basis for starting the relationship.
The problem I see here is that you contradict yourself several times in this posting; you said you like him but you dont but when you were drunk you were probably feeling vulnerable and lonely so its understandable.
I think its likely that you like and attracted to the stability his constant affections offer you but obviously in other ways you are put off by the lack of chemistry and maybe excitement too? You need to be clear what you want from a relationship because I think if you go into it half-hearted then it will only spell trouble later on. It may well be that rejecting him will be hard and harsh at first but in the long-run it maybe the kinder thing to do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (23 October 2007):
 Well, no, it's not all about looks, but there does need to be some physical attraction. And people will chastise you for saying that you want someone that looks good, but really, who doesn't want an attractive mate?
If this guy is constantly trying to get in touch with you because you said once that you liked him, he probably hasn't had girls tell him they like him, and now he's clutching on to the idea that maybe you do.
With me, it's not really about looks, but more about how a man carries himself. If he's confident in himself and comfortable in his own skin. The man I'm dating now is like that, and I appreciate his appearance. I'm sure there are women who don't find him attractive, but to me, he's beautiful. Maybe that could happen between you and this guy. Unless he's completely repulsive and you just can't get over it.
Think of it in this light, too. If you're out at a bar and there are two men there that seem attracted to you and one of them is good looking and the other is a dog, who are you going to let buy you a drink? You can't read someone's personality just by looking at them. The first law of attraction is physical attraction. The only time that does not come into play is if you meet online and you don't know what the other looks like. Then you can honestly say you like that person for their personality. Someone with bad looks can seriously mar how you perceive them. It's nothing to be ashamed of or have someone tell you to get over. It's basic instinct. Primitively, humans are hard wired to select the best genes for procreation, which are best displayed through looks. That is why we tend to try and find someone attractive.
So, don't beat yourself up over this. Maybe farther down the road he'll start becoming more attractive to you because his personality will outshine anything else. You never know. And don't worry about not finding someone else. You're so young, there's plenty of time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): What would you like more, a boyfriend who's cute and is a jerk or a boyfriend who's not and has "the best personality ever"? Why do you even have to think about this? In the end, his personality is what really matters. No offense, but I don't think questions like these should even exist on this website.
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A
female
reader, Kat18 +, writes (23 October 2007):
 I think you should i met this guy when i was drunk. But i couldnt remember what he looked like. i spoke to him online after and rele fell for him. Then when i met him again i really didnt find him attractive but i gave it ago anyway as i really liked him. I fell in love with him and we were together 7 months, best relationship i've ever had. Unfortunatly he broke up with me a few weeks ago, but i still have feelings for him.
tbh i dont think looks are that important long as you like them enough not to be bothered by their looks. Good luck whatever you decide.
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