A
female
age
36-40,
*hmshn
writes:My long-time good friend always liked me. Our age difference was too much for me at the time, but I did like him back. About 3.5 years ago I got into a bad relationship and lost contact with my friend.We recently started talking again and he told me he never stopped liking me. The only thing is he has a court hearing coming up on the 15th and he told me he only wants to be friends now because he doesn't want to think about a girl while he is in jail 24/7. He has totally turned his life around since his arrest (which was 8 months ago!! plenty of time to realize that you made a mistake!) but it still probably facing jail time.We got very close once we started talking again and had started acting like we were in a relationship, but weren't "official." Anyway we got into a conversation through texts (bad idea, too much confusion) about something complicated I won't get into, but he took what I said the wrong way and he said that he didn't want to get attached to me and I needed to relax because I was falling for him too fast. I couldn't believe it because how could I be falling for someone too fast that I've always had a thing for when we were together?? And he for me, in fact he was the one who first fell for me all those years ago!We smoothed it over but he has been a little distant. I understand he is probably worried about his court hearing and so I don't want to cause him more stress so I haven't asked him about it, but I REALLLLLLLY like him, and I don't care what you say about him going to jail I have known him for years and he has the biggest heart and he's so sensitive. He makes me feel so happy like no one else can. We laugh so much when we're together.Do you think it scared him how close we were getting and that is why he decided to pull away (we were cuddling every night and spending time together) or do you think I ruined my friendship and chances with him? I planned on visiting him in jail while he was there and writing to him before we even started getting intimate, do you think he would still like that? Or should I leave him alone? I want to be there for him and I hope one day we can have a real relationship, what do you guys think? Either way I don't want to ever lose his friendship. I really hope it is just the stress that is making him act in a way that he normally wouldn't. I care for him so so so much.
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female
reader, shmshn +, writes (12 August 2009):
shmshn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey I agree with you, which is why I haven't been trying to contact him. I was just wondering whether I should even wish him happy birthday.. I wanted to but I didn't want to overstep the bounds he has been setting up. I'll just say happy birthday and that's it. He had no plans for a party or anything I know of and I wouldn't even consider going if I had heard he was having one unless he invited me himself.
That's funny you mentioned that saying because that's the one I've been telling myself every time I want to see what's up with him. His birthday is tomorrow and I'll say happy birthday, but after that I'm just going to let things be on his terms. I have been worrying about myself mostly the past few days, but of course he has entered my thoughts.
All of your advice has been great. I'll let you know what eventually happens. I know I will hear from him again one day, but now really isnt a great time and I understand that.
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (12 August 2009):
 "he wants me to slow it down (or so he says"
You really need to take him seriously Im sure it will be hard for you since youve become so attached to him, but theres only so much you can do. He doesnt seem to want what you want rite now and theres really nothing you can do to change that, you can let him no how you feel and if you want wait for him to come around if he does.
He may not feel the same way about you that you feel for him its something you may have to accept or it could be the problems hes facing rte now i dont know but he seems to want distance from you.Alot of times when a man is at a low point in his life he doesnt want anyone around him especially a woman he cares about men are suposed to be strong confident independent and secure he wouldnt want you to see him in all the ways opposite to those.
About his BD did he tell you he was having a party did he invite you to a party, you could tell him happy BD but i would suggest not asking to hang out honestly if he wanted to be with you he would let you know.
You seem like a very sweet girl with a big heart but it may get broken in this situation its a part of life,
there's a saying "If you love something set it free if it comes back to you then its yours, if it doesnt then it was never meant to be"
This wont be more then you can bear stay strong but dont loose your self trying to find something that may not be there.
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A
female
reader, shmshn +, writes (12 August 2009):
shmshn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Rainorfire, great idea. I have not heard from him all day today or yesterday. I have not tried to contact him today because he did not answer my text message I sent him yesterday. My car died and he drove it last week and he told me it felt like something was wrong with my car. I just texted him and said "my car won't start lol you were right about it being messed up" and I never received an answer from him. The day before that I text him to ask if he was feeling alright because he burst a blood vessel in his foot a few days before and had been complaining a lot about it, and he just said "yea."
His birthday is on Thursday, should I just text him and say happy birthday and that's it? I wanted to hang out with him and have a good time or maybe hang out with him the day before or after if he was going to spend the day with family or other friends but now I'm just confused. I know maybe he is stressing because his court date is in 4 days but I really want to know what's up. Any ideas? I want to know straight from his mouth too, I don't want to take the route of asking his friends or anything like that. But I don't want to annoy him. I mean, he made the first move, I don't know!! So confused!!!
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 August 2009):
I think you should rite him a letter explaining that, exactly how you feel basically what you wrote in here.
if hes smart he wont push you away, it sounds like hes being a little stubborn selfish and immature.
This guy has a good thing going in you, to have someone that can see past your faults and care for you unconditionally is a rare find and what we all seek in life.
All you can do is tell him how you feel and the ball will be in his court from there.
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A
male
reader, raven100  +, writes (8 August 2009):
Hi,well frankly speaking i have an impression that you look at him just like an old friend from old times, but we all changed. We change all the time. the question is, why do you love him? what is so unique with him that you know he is the one? You like each other? you are laughing? do you really know him? do you really know the guy you think of 24/7 ?my strong advice: don't show him you are so passionate for him, don't do that. There have to be some secret, unless it's too easy for him which he can not respect. I know that you will not like it but i think he needed you to spend a good time outside the prison.Obviously I can be mistaken, I don't know him, just think more about yourself, think about your dreams, your passion, and don't built your whole world on another person. Just try to impress him by your actions, by your passion, by your life.I wish you good luck,R.
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A
female
reader, shmshn +, writes (8 August 2009):
shmshn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI purposely left out why he is going to jail because I don't want anyone to judge how I feel for him based on his past. It is a possession charge, and he does not go anywhere near that stuff now (he was dealing). I have known him since before he got into all that and he's still basically the same person he was all those years ago, except now he is way less angry. He's like a big teddy bear!! He may not even go to jail as this was his first offense and he has had no subsequent charges, but it's a huge possibility.
Rainorfire I'm so glad that this story touched you! I do care about him so much, and I want to let him know that. He has been distant though, how should I go about this? There is no way that he wasn't falling for me fast either, he was taking me out to dinner and spending all of his time with me. I want to give him a huge hug and let him know I'm here for him, but he wants me to slow it down (or so he says, I know spending time with me must have taken his mind off of everything for at least a little while!). How can I tell him how I feel without disrespecting his wishes?
I wish this wasn't happening, I don't want to lose him because he can't see past all of this. When we were younger we used to hang out every friday and saturday and during the week too, we were good friends. He doesn't want to think about a girl in jail 24/7 but what is he going to be thinking about anyway? I'm sure he has replayed his arrest in his mind 1000x a day since it happened 8 months ago, he has already dealt with that! I wanted to be something positive he could look forward to and think about. This is just so bad :( I don't want to pressure him.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (8 August 2009):
This is deep wow, now that im all teary eyed, im going to say fight for your man, this guy has alot on his plate right now but you just keep it up. He probably doesnt realize how mutch you care about him, Be there for him let him kno your true feelings, if you really mean it tell him youll be there for him when he gets out rite to him and go see him when you can .Start off by telling him what you wrote in here
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