A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice regarding my boyfriend going on a snowboarding holiday. For a full year I have asked him if he wants to go on holiday with me, he says he does, but whenever I speak about holidays or point any out he always finds something to say; for example; lets just wait, I think we could get that cheaper, i dont know where to go etc etc. So, I get really annoyed about holidays as I dont see what the big deal is and we usually argue because i get annnoyed and moan at him for not showing an interest etc. his friend suggested a snowboarding holiday to him and a few others - and he was tempted to go. He took up snowboaring lessons, has bought (or in the process of) buying all the equipment needed and has booked up a snoboarding holiday with his friend and 5 other guys who he doesnt actually know (they are friends of his friend). I feel so annoyed and angry at this, just at how much he is investing into this holiday (time and money) yet he hasnt managed to book anything with me. I have looked up the resort he is going to and it is famous for its lively nightclubs too - he isnt much of a drinker and he esures me that i have nothing to worry about but i feel so worried and sad cause he is going away with 5 single guys :( this guy is serious about me as we have been together for 3 years and he has suggested that we should move in together and we have now set a date to do so - but i feel so annoyed about this holiday and i just dont know what to think. I dont think he will cheat - but I feel annoyed because of the principle of this holiday and i am worried that the other guys are all single and are chatting (jokingly) about wingmen and how one of them got laid last year :(what should I do?am I being silly? whenever I bring this up to my boyfriend we just argue but i dont want him to go!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2013):
I love sageoldguy but today I have to agree with wise owl .. Look at it like this .. You two are young .. You need to be able to do things as individuals and as couples
Also he's asked you to move in .. This is like a kinda like stag holiday ( hopefully no pulling ) and you have to trust him ??
Once your together plan a holiday for you both as you will be very much a couple, let him go on his holiday with the guys blow some steam etc
Why not have a girls vacation while he's away haha, let him wonder a little to whom may be chatting up his women ..
Wise owl wants you to use this as a positive direction .. If he becomes up to no good by being that time away from you, better knowing now than say 4 years down the line ??
I agree with sage he does owe you a holiday, you tell Him cheekily your cashing in his big I owe you Next year, you want romance and pampering the works then let him go have fun on his boys holiday ..
And you go set up a girls holiday, you go girl x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): To Sageoldguy1465:The context of my advice was not to justify her boyfriend's refusal to take her on holiday; but to explain what is going on in his head. That would give the OP a strategy to work from. By the way, I truly appreciate your style and approach. Cut to the chase, with a big dose of humor. It gets my attention, and often helps me to think. Now back to the OP. If you want something, you have to stand up for it, if you consistently get refused. You also have to go back to assess things up to the point where your boyfriend made his decision to take a holiday on his own. Are you having issues between you? This could be an act of rebellion.How many times has he put his own plans on hold, to make you happy? If he is a total jerk, and so completely selfish; why are you still there? I asked this before. In his mind,he may feel like he is always delaying plans or giving in. Then ask him if there is some reason he feels a vacation without you, is better than a vacation together?What have you done in defiance to show him that he doesn't rule over you? If you haven't, maybe it's time.Well, that's going to be his defensive argument; possibly the motive behind his blatant disregard for your repeated requests for a lover's vacation. That, and he feels a vacation should be exciting. I presume he is still under the age of 25. You would probably never chose the type of vacation that includes adventure, and hair-raising action. So when is he supposed to get it? It just doesn't seem to pull him in. I sense the fact you may want it so bad, is because you feel something is missing in the relationship. Then stop dancing around the issue, and make your point to him directly. Break it down for him like he's a six year-old. You need to share a romantic vacation to create memories to last you a lifetime and/or; you feel neglected and taken for granted.You're also afraid he'll cheat. The main reason for the post.That is an issue you need to address. We can't always write the guy off in every post as a jerk; and not look at things in the broader picture. It's unfair and unbalanced. It has been my experience that when a guy blatantly does something,risking losing his mate; 90% of the time it is because he feels trapped, and needs to distance himself from a situation he does not feel he is able to handle. So, he makes crazy decisions to throw things completely out of wack; hoping that he'll figure something out in the process. It isn't fair or mature; but your bf feels he is missing out on something; and he doesn't want to appear a wuss after all the other fellas told him how whipped he is. Then you are trying to tell him, our relationship comes first over everything. I deserve a romantic adventure with my boyfriend. He's thinking, we'll move in together and she'll never let me do these things. I better do them now.You have the choice to remove yourself from the situation at any time. Something holds you back from this choice.What you don't say is how many times he has done exactly what you wanted to do. We have to account for some bias in all posts; because we all want our side of the story to come across.You can always argue, we're always doing what he wants. Then get rid of him. There's no further argument.Unfortunately, we don't have the luxury of hearing what the other side has to say. I don't look at a onesided story. I give the OP the benefit of seeing both sides; in order to weigh the facts, and to help you to make logical and fair decisions. There is no two-sides, if an OP is in an abusive or violent situation. That hopefully isn't the case here.He is going to make excuses and offer bullsh*t argument to support his unfair decision. Truth is, he thinks it's too good an opportunity to pass up. You'll eventually get your way; because you usually do. If you didn't, he'd already be single again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): Hello everyone, thank you all for answering. I have been on holiday with my friends before and did so two years ago (a year into our relationship).and we do spend time apart. We live in different towns so we only see each other 2 times a week. So we both have individuality and different interests - i know we shouldn't be joint to the hip and because of time and the fact that we are two people who like different things.its werid but when he is on a night out where we live - i don't think he will cheat, the thought doesn't cross my mind. Like tonight, he has his Christmas night out - I'm not bothered and i haven't thought once about him cheating on me. But this holiday is really worrying me :( i think its more the principle and the fact that he has put all this effort into a holiday with these guys.thanks
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 WiseOwl: I usually agree with your submittals.... but, for this one, you are agreeing about this guy (and "justifying" what he's up to) who is 'WAY off-base in what he is doing...... There were - or will be - ooodles of time(s) when he can exercise his testosterone with his guy-friends. I think he OWES his G/F the holiday that she expected.... Don't you think so????
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Well there you go, he isn't interested in going on holidays with you, and considering the cost he is putting out for THIS holiday, it seems his talk about doing it cheaper was just a bunch of meaningless words as well.
And they are all joking and chatting about wing men and getting laid, haha its all just a bit of fun and nothing to it really .... oh yeah?
I am not sure how you are approaching it when you bring it up with your boyfriend, but if it just starts arguments either you are not getting your message across or you are and he doesn't want to hear it.
Now that you know he DOES like to go on holiday, and that cost is not a problem, find somewhere you would like to go, where you could comfortably afford your half and put it to him, and if he says no to it, ask him what his reasoning is, is it the destination, because you can happily change that, or is it the travelling companion, because you can quite easily change that too.
My advise is that if he wont go on holidays with you, then tell him to stick it somewhere painful and leave him to it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): Your boyfriend saved up enough to do the snowboarding holiday with 5 fellows; because part of the vacation is getting away from their girlfriends. It's a guy thing.He knows he accrues but so many days of vacation. He also has an exciting new hobby, with the great gear that comes with it. It may sound boyish and immature; but a guy's got to do, what a guy's got to do. He decided he wanted an adrenalin-filled guy's holiday all about himself. It's debatable from different points of view if there is something wrong with this choice. I expect most women to come to your defense. I am going to look at both sides and give you food for thought.There is no argument that it's selfish. There will come a time that you will be justified to do the same thing. It's unlikely that you will. You are too clingy to let go and just fly solo; and trust him to behave while you're gone.You feel you need constant reassurance he wants to be in a relationship. Thus, he chose a vacation to get out in the fresh air. He chose an outdoor sport with speed. I hope he is proficient at the sport.You count hours and minutes together. Focusing on the "amount" of time; rather than the quality of the moments spent together. Your mind tells you, I only get to see him "X" number of hours a week. Then he wants to be with his friends; then we go to work, I hardly ever see him. He acts like a frat-boy. I'm the practical one in this relationship.In his head, that translates to "mother."You learn to cherish moments by content. "I liked the way he nibbled my ear last night. He couldn't wait to get my clothes off. He smelled good. I like the way he looked at me when he saw me in that dress." Do you look back on the "quality" of time and what it meant to you while you were spending that time? No, your post is an example of how you think. So why are you still with that juvenile pain in the ass? What do you love so much about him anyway? Why don't you dump his sorry ass?You're centering your life and activities around being a couple. You've lost your sense of adventure and individuality. You're ready to settle down like an old married couple. All your energies are directed at keeping account of his whereabouts and nurturing a relationship. Soothing your own insecurities by keeping tabs. All claws sunk in deep for sure grip.How about fun and entertainment that doesn't always involve being "lovey-dovey" as the main theme? Something that gets the heart pounding and the blood rushing. That's what he is trying to tell you. He needs high-energy activity.That's the kind of guy he is. You still live apart. You don't have to move in, and if you think he's a bad choice; let him know you want to move on. Go find a homebody or a more domestic type of guy. One with love-handles to hang on to.Have you ever gone on a vacation with a girlfriend, just for the fun and excitement, since you've been in this relationship? Probably not. He might cheat while you're away. Maybe he won't let you go.Have you taken time just to stretch and reacquaint yourself with "you!" Minus the other half. What about you? You spend most of your non-working time-off with your boyfriend. He probably manages to squirm away now and then. You get pissed off. He should always want to spend time with you. You probably get out once in awhile with your own friends. Is your idea of fun, hanging out with other couples? Perhaps you go to the gym. Some classes. Just the usual tame and sober routines. Always on your phone keeping tabs on him in the meantime.He has decided to move in together. This means he will be settling down to move in with his favorite lady. Possibly taking the relationship to another level. It doesn't mean he will lose his taste for adventure. Try sharing his interests, and he won't be so quick to shoot you down. He's always contending with what you don't like or will not do. So he has to give in, or piss you off. So he decided to give that a rest and do what he likes. He's tired of feeling whipped.In the meantime; he just wants to spend some wild time hanging with the guys, doing guy stuff. Blowing off some steam. Unless he has history of cheating, trust him.Allow him to express some individuality. And for the sake of all that's good, find time to do something special just for yourself. Keep excitement in your own life. You are a young woman and you shouldn't let a relationship be all you live for. Grow some muscle. Don't be too girly.You can't put all your time into trying to be a couple, you must reserve time and energy to enjoy life as a young woman. Before you get too settled, fat, and content. So live it up now; while the opportunity is there. You have your youth. Enjoy it to the fullest. Learn to ski or snowboard. Then what excuse will he have?People get old, bitchy, possessive, and stale. They forget how to enjoy doing the things they love, and how to share it. Being in a relationship does not mean killing your thirst for life.Tell him that you understand that he needs this. However; you need a special vacation for just him and you. You will not take no for an answer; nor will you allow it to be put off. You're tired of being shot down for your suggestions. Show him that you're not always going to be around at his beck and call. You do have options. If he doesn't give you what you ask for, go get it yourself. If he wishes you to compromise your independence by moving in, he will have to show you he can compromise on the things you want and need. You deserve equal time and choice of vacations.This vacation he's taking now, gives you more leverage for negotiation. Learn girlfriend. It's give and take.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 December 2013):
Let's analyze this portion of your submittal:
"this guy is serious about me as we have been together for 3 years and he has suggested that we should move in together and we have now set a date to do so - but i feel so annoyed about this holiday and i just dont know what to think. (and).... I dont think he will cheat...."
1. Your (and his) "being together" for 3 years, in NO WAY is a criterion for his being serious about you (and him). His recent behaviour is MUCH more telling... and it should "tell" you that he doesn't really give much of a darn about you....
2. "Moving in together" is a huge trap for a woman. If you are fool enough to do so, be prepared for a heart-wrenching break-up and move when his boorish behaviour becomes overwhelming and you decide that you have put up with it long enough (MORE than 3 years!)....
3. The fact that you feel annoyed is your "alarm" going off.... since this guy has been treating you poorly (despite your protestations to the contrary).... Listen to your annoyance, delay the "moving in together" ("forever" would be long enough)....
4. Find a better boyfriend and have a happy life...
P.S. Even if he doesn't "cheat" on you... that will linger in the back of your mind, won't it???? Why give him a free parking space in your brain????
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2013):
 I think you should round up your female friend and arrange a holiday with them. He doesn't sound like he wanted to go on a holiday with you, yet (if at all).
There are no rules that because you are dating you HAVE to do everything together.
Personally though, I understand you. You thought he just wasn't keen on holidays, comes out that he isn't keen on going with you.
I would let him go, you take a holiday without him (doesn't mean you are going to cheat either, right? ) You are not his mom and I find it a little controlling telling my partner that he CAN'T go on holiday because it's not with me or what I want.
When my husband had R&R (he was deployed to Afghanistan) he actually though about going with a bunch of the other guys to Australia instead of coming home to me and kids. You know his reasoning? It would be impossible for him to go BACK when the R&R was over and he knew how hard it would be for me and the kids too. I was mad at first, but I get it. HE DID however come home and we had a great R&R and it WAS hard to see him go back to that hellhole.
What I'm saying is, it IS OK to not be joined at the hip 24/7.
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