A
female
age
41-50,
*ijit
writes:I am in a deep predicament. A few hours ago my boyfriend of 3 years talked ( there are a lot of underlying issues in our relationship at the moment) and a lot of things came out.After hours of discussion what evolved was basically an ultimatum, or sorts. He says that I need to do some things differently, which I have agreed to, and if he feels like I've made these changes then he may marry me. He says he's even thought about how he's going to propose.But if things remain the way they are (we have some issues tht are causing conflict), then he will be with me so long as he is here in the country. But he has plans of moving away and he is going to actively chase them from now on. If I "don't make the cut" he will leave the country, and leave me behind. He says his business is his number one priority and he will even leave me behind to pursue his career (he is an accomplished film maker).On one hand he is making me run after the carrot with the whole marriage thing - he knows I want to be married to him and that I want to go with him anywhere. On the other hand he;'s saying that even if I try he may leave me behind regardless. It comes down to his whims!When I asked him about this he said that if I can work on the things he needs me to work on, then those whims won't be there anymore. But he's tossed me around so much on the marriage front that I find it hard to trust him.How can I work on this relationship with someone who is threatening to leave me behind one fine day in the future? How do I know that if I achieve these changes he doesn't have a whole new set of parameters to "qualify" to marry him?And what if he really doesn't believe deep down that I can ever change (which is I thnk what is the real story)and so he doesn't actually think he will ever propose to me and he will conveniently be with me until the day he gets on the plane and then drop me for a n"new life and a new leaf". This isn't fair to me. It offers me nothing and no hope. An awful all or nothing scenario.What should I say to him? Do I work on this? Or should I say goodbye? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): Are you saying, he is basing his love for you on the fact, that you agreed to do things to satisfy his approval of you? What about just loving you for YOU-your givingness, your generosity, your love for him? I hate to say this because my heart goes out to you. But...do you honestly believe that a man who loves and cherishes you, would even dream of demanding this of you? When a person deeply loves another, they accept all that is about them, quirks and all. He wants you to change who you are, what you are doing, what you are-- to satisfy him. What is that behavior telling you? You must do something that will cause you some pain but it will keep you whole and complete, as a woman and a person. A man like this may never be satisfied with just "who you are". Listen hun, when a person gets married, they bring things to the table. (career, education, material stuff) All those things can change suddenly, especially as marriage, children and a new life comes into play. You will forever be with a man who tells you and makes you feel, you 'aren't good enough for him'. Do you want that, in your future?
Tell him, "What I have with you is much too controlling. I can't live with someone who does that. That is unloving and disrespectful,. I am a good, decent woman of integrity, with a lot to offer and I accept who I am, quirks and all. I have dreams, hope and a life I want to continue developing in a happy way but done on my terms and with your blessing. But you want me to be more to satisfy your whims. That tells me I am not good enough for you, but I know I am! So because you cannot accept me as is, this means we are no longer compatible. I can not and will not cater to your needs and what you want me to become. This is my life to choose, my ways...and that I like about me. Good bye and have a happy life"
Despite your extrodinary devotion here, you have to have his devotion towards you to make this a good quality relationship. You don't have that. He is not interested in 'who' you are as a person, and what you are feeling and thinking, anymore. It's time for you to confront the truth here. And let go of the fantasy. You don't want to be with someone, who is not willing to give back what you are giving. Good luck, dear in making your your heartfelt decisons here. Let us know how you do. Take care.
A
female
reader, juliemc  +, writes (26 December 2007):
I wouldn't waste any more time on this guy.
He is so selfish and although it's difficult to split with someone you love, you have to look at the whole picture
Why on earth would you want to change yourself for him when its obvious he has issues of his own which need to be addressed.
He is self- centered and arrogant enough to expect you to tow his line when he isn't even sure he wants to be with you in the long run.
My advice is, get out, there are plenty more fish in the sea, it may not seem so easy now, but believe me, you deserve to be with someone who knows they want to be with you.
Hope you have the courage to move on.
Good luck
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