A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been living together for over a year now but we also have a roommate, my boyfriend's best friend. (I'll call him R). Now R has had this on again/ off again relationship with a girl (I'll call her A) for months now, and at this point they're more like friends with benefits. R introduced my boyfriend and I to A at the same time so I know my boyfriend has known her for the same amount of time as I've known her. Getting to the point; I've caught my boyfriend texting A on more than one occasion now. He started getting very secretive with his phone. He wouldn't leave it lying around, he'd take it into the bathroom, and I couldn't help but get this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Now I try and give my boyfriend his privacy and don't try to snoop on every little thing but after one day when A came over and asked to "steal my boyfriend for a bit so they could talk" then that's when I got real suspicious. My boyfriend told me she just wanted advice on how to keep R interested in her, since he was his best friend and knew him well, but I couldn't just leave it at that. So one night while he was sleeping I looked through his phone and found that they'd been texting a lot more regularly those past weeks. And it was mostly all about her intimate sex life with R. Now maybe I wouldn't be making such a big deal if A was a close friend from years ago, but he's only known her for a couple of months to be comfortable enough to talk about certain things with her as if it was nothing. The texting started innocently enough like any other normal friends, but further down the days they started to get more detailed and more sexually related. I will stress the fact that it all had to do with her sex life with R but still three of the texts I read really caught my eye. One advised her to send R naked pictures of herself to catch his attention. The second advised her to wear lingerie the next time she was going to be with R (and I know lingerie is one of my boyfriend's turn on's so I was a little hurt by that text because I don't own lingerie and I wouldn't want him picturing another girl with it on). But the third text really hurt the most because he said "I don't know what R is waiting for. If I was single I would be all over you already. lol j/k", And she replied with "Right lol only if you were single". After that I just stopped reading all together. I didn't know what to think of it. I still don't know what I should do. I'm pretty sure he hasn't actually cheated on me or done anything with her but it's bad enough if he's even thinking about it. I know he loves me, I can really feel he does but I think this 'flirtexting' is really getting out of hand. What do I do? Do I confront him about it? If so how?
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 I think you are going to have to tell him that you're uncomfortable with their relationship and ask your b/f to stop being so involved in her problems. You probably shouldn't mention what you already know about their text messages but simply tell him that you feel this woman is using his attention to boost her ego and for all you know, she's gotten over the guy she was first "talking" to him about and now she's more interested in your b/f. All this back and forth texting is going to a place that's not healthy and this is what you should point out. If he persists that it's harmless, ask him to show you all the messages. I guarantee he won't at least not until he's deleted the more suggestive ones. If he does show you all of them, then you can simply point out the ones that seem to be leading down a bad direction. And P.S. Why not buy some sexy lingerie. It might be time to ramp up your game plan in bed to keep him interested. I hate to say it but you have suddenly been thrown into an invisible competitioin whether you like it or not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): I wouldn't say to him that you found out from his cell or he will start to hide it on the future ... I would also try to invite this girl over to eat or something and be very friendly to her to not raise suspicion this is very important ... And when you talk to him don't act like a jealous psycho.. Just very calmly say that she told you that he said that or that slyou guys were talking about him and she accidentally showed you a message or that something she said on the conversation let it slip that he said that of he was single it would be different. "Oh hi BF today A came over to drink some coffee ad chat and she was telling me how sad she was that R never paid attention to her , and how that is so weird since you said that if you were single you would take her clothes off poor A right?" Well you get the point , the point is that she looks bad not you because what she is doing is absolutely wrong only low women flirt with guys with GF and only worse guys flirt with girls when they have a GF. The other thing I would do is make yourself even prettier wear makeup and perfume everyday a skirt and nice shoes .... When you live together the spark does die out a little and always make plans to go out on the afternoons or evening if possible. Even if you go alone shopping or something tell him you were out with friends and he will start to see you as this interesting awesome girl. Also if you like to go shopping I would go once with this girl that will make ur man wonder and it gives u an excise to bring up "what she told u you said to her" remember the point is for her to look bad you will always be a lady even if it tears you inside and you want to just kick him. I've been in your situation before with a girl I will call Acantha as that was one of her nicknames ... She used to flirt with my bf for IM everyday and say things like that, i became "friends" with her and when my bf asked me about my day I would use it to discredit her or pretend as she has told me something to bring the subject up . Definety act happy and cheerful and take even better care of yourself also do the same things he does as taking your cell into the barthroom and pretend to text and smile a lot , sing to yourself and HE will start to wonder what is going on and be jelly and come back to you ad find you much more interesting , also remember the going out and pampering yourself when we live with bfs we forget that and we start to let ourselves go a lot which makes us even less attractive. On my case he ended up hating this girl and never talked to her ever again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): He may not be cheating on you physically but emotionally and mentally he is. Trust your instincts. If it is as innocent as he claims then he wouldnt feel the need to be so secretive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Listen, anytime your significant other has the need to hide things or become secretive without good reason, like planning a surprise party, means that he/she is cheating on you. He may not be cheating on you physically but I see that there has been a breach in trust. People don't change from suddenly without good reason. Not only that you are also experiencing the ''Something's not right'' feeling. What more proof could you want?
I suggest talking to him about it. Remember to keep your voice calm. Things fall apart anytime there is a failure of communication. And another thing: Do inform A to respect your relationship. Joking or not she is crossing the line.
Good luck.
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