A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I met this guy through friends years ago but he lived in a different state. He recently moved to my town and we connected through facebook and started going out on dates. The first time we went out he tried to kiss me but I backed away and said I don't kiss on the first date. He was very respectful and said ok and asked me out on a second date. On the second date he tried to kiss again but we were in the middle of the street and it didn't feel right so I backed away again lol. So long story short we have went out for about a month and a half now on 5 dates or so (he travels for work so he is out of town a lot of weekends) but now it has started to become confusing. He doesn't contact me when he is out of town but when he is here he will text or call on the weekend only. Sometimes we plan to hang out during the week then he will text me that he feels tired to hang out and when I confronted him about being flaky he says that he has not yet adjusted to the new town yet and his new job is really stressful so he needs some time and since I don't like being around him when he is tired, he doesn't want me to see him tired. I told him that if he doesn't want to hang out with me it is totally fine but that he should just be honest with me. But he said that I am a really amazing girl and he doesn't want his being tired and flakiness to ruin things between us. And that he will try not to be that way. What is confusing to me is that he does not contact me when we don't have plans to hang out and if he is going to out of town he will just call once to say hi and see how I am doing and that's it. I am confused by this behavior, he tells me he likes me but he doesn't really act much on it? Granted I don't initiate too many calls or texts and I am relying on him too, I thought that if a guy likes a girl (which is usually how it went in my previous relationships) he makes a bigger effort? Or am I making too big a deal since he just got a new job and moved to a new town a month and a half ago? I don't know...by the way we still haven't kissed yet but he didn't make any other moves after the 2nd time and I am not one to make a move with a guy for the first kiss...I like that I can hang out with him and not think he expects anything sexual but his lack of contact is sort of strange to me? Red flag?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2013):
 OP I think you did send mixed signals. I think that the first two times he tried to kiss you and you blew him off were clear "friends only" signals.Personally I see nothing wrong with being physical with a date once you are past the age of 18/21you are 26/29, part and parcel of an adult romantic relationship is the physical aspects of it, by the third date if you are not having sex you should at least be holding hands, and kissing a bit if you are interested as more than friends... 3 dates or more and keeping him at a physical distance reeks of "friend zone" and I can see why your actions were interpreted as mixed signals.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): This is how men develop a friends with benefits relationship.
Sending mixed signals and confusing a woman keeps her feelings in limbo, her mind confused, and available for sex.
This guy is a bit cunning. Sly as a fox.
He's trying to get the goodies without the commitment.
Keep your eyes open, and keep sex out of it. If you're looking for more, start dating other men and get out of this cycle of confusion.
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A
female
reader, Truthplease +, writes (9 April 2013):
Truthplease is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:We went out this past weekend and as soon as I got there he wanted to hold hands and put his arms around me (we hadn't seen eachother in two weeks) and said he missed me then we had drinks afterwards lots of fun, then we went back to his place and we KISSED and more, but he was going too far so I stopped him at times. But other than the occasional going too far (we didn't have sex) where I would tell him to stop we had a good time and cuddled through the night and in the morning. After we wake up and are hanging out he tells me he is "sorry about what happened last night" and if he was being anything less than a gentleman when we hooked up that that is not the way he usually is. I told him it's normal for a guy to want to do more than just kiss and he said he knows but that he is not a typical guy and doesn't usually do that and that he just had too much to drink. I told him he doesn't have to be sorry and that at times I would only tell him to stop because it was going too far not that I didn't want to do things with him. He said that he had assumed that we were going to be just friends and that I send mixed signals and that he had been ok with being just friends because he thought I was a really cool person. All I could think was "UM WHAT"He was the one who wanted to hold hands and hug and get drinks and see me, to me that's more than friendship. But he is saying I send mixed signals?! He said he had tried to kiss me twice and I backed away, but just bc I didn't kiss him doesn't mean I wasn't into him, and do you hold hands and put your arm around your friends?!So now that I did kiss him he is the one who is confused, when I thought things would escalate now that we finally had our first kiss and did stuff, for him they just got more confusing....that was a friday night and even though he didn't have plans on Saturday night he didn't ask me to hang out either. I don't get it. And now I am So Confused :( ....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2013):
he tried to be more than friends.
he's tried twice to kiss you and both times you blew him off.... do you think he's thinking third times the charm?
I agree with Tisha totally.. if you want more than just a casual friend with this guy the ball is totally in your court.
call him
ask him out
KISS the poor man
and then see what happens.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): You are basically in the "friend-zone" with this guy. He will spend time with you, when he feels like it. However; his feelings are not as intense as you may have for him. He made a couple of moves; but that doesn't really mean anything. He realizes you're expecting something more serious.People these days have relationships for convenience. They don't have to be alone, you're easily accessible, there is no true commitment; and they can just pick up where they've left off. You're always at the back of the shelf; but collecting dust most of the time. That happens because you let it happen. You're waiting for more than he wants to give you.It is true when he tells you he is tired, and that he doesn't want to drag you down on a date. He is also telling you that you don't energize him to the degree that he really wants to spend more time with you. He is keeping it cool and casual between you, so you should reel in your feelings.He likes you as a friend and an occasional date. If he doesn't expect anything sexual, there's your answer.In many cases like this, for the woman involved, it's all or nothing. He doesn't want to lose you as a friend, but he doesn't want to encourage you to want more than that. He has lost any romantic feelings that may have been there in the beginning.I suggest you let things stay as they are, and you keep sex and romantic feelings out of it. You have a male friend. Make the best of if.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Let's review. You are 26-29, looking for a dating partner, but when the date tried to kiss you, you refused him both times. He then backed off because he senses you don't want to be kissed.
You don't initiate contact, you wait around for him to contact you. You don't let him kiss you.
There's nothing confusing here.
You've signaled very clearly to this guy that you are not into him. You don't want him to kiss you and you don't put in any effort into contacting him. He's not confused. He can read and understand your signals very clearly.
Now, if you WANT him to kiss you and you WANT to see him, you are going to have to put yourself out there and risk rejection. It's pretty simple, really.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 He likes you enough that he wants you to be the person to welcome him in the city, but not enough to actually date you. He doesn't want you to go in case that he can't find someone else. A person who is tired should not be dating until he's all settled. He does not make a good impression. If you want to wait it is your choice but I would just not contact him again, and see how many times he wants to go out, on his own decision. I won't be suprised that it's not much. It is possible that he is just looking for sex and saw that you won't put out until you know it's real. If you got passionate I bet he won't be "tired" anymore.
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