A
female
age
51-59,
*raptalk
writes:Husband of 18 yrs is in love with someone else?? Any advice?? Of course he is handling it well...but i'm a wreck!Another problem is he keeps sending me mixed messages...and he says he is confused, part of me wants to kick this woman's butt, what should i do??
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cheated on me, mixed messages Reply to this Question
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female
reader, braptalk +, writes (13 April 2008):
braptalk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the last poster.maybe it's me..it seems to me like your comment made hardly any sense..and besides that, YOU were the other woman??And you are proud of that?The only signs I started to notice was his distance toward me..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2008): well hes been doing it a long time, he didnt just start it didnt you see any signs women love to leave a trail, i know ive done it from day one. either you see it or dont want to.
My married boyfrien uses my erno laszlo eye cream and carries it in his bag, home to his wife. the writing is on the wall.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): I hear pieces of the puzzle: You cheated, he took you back, you've done allot bad ... basically you need to get a grip of yourself and stop self-destructing. You need help, you have much turmoil, things from the past may have triggered some of this behavior. It is unfortunate that the relationship is where it is at, but it looks like he had the final straw, and he too is mentally screwed up as yourself.
You need help, see your doctor and psychiatrist. You both need to heal from the past, rejuvenate yourselves, there is always hope for the future and the both of you, but you must stop the bad behavior and learn to live with compassion, respect, caring for each other and stop this foolish behavior.
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A
female
reader, braptalk +, writes (30 March 2008):
braptalk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also forget to mention we have 2 teenagers and I have just recently got a job because i've the housewife for so many yrs. In the beginning of our i did cheat on him twice,but he took me back. there are alot of things i have done bad. for the past 3 yrs ,i've been in and out of rehab for self mutilation and we both have a drinking problem along with an occasional vice. he also told me friday nite he could stop being in love that it wasn't that hard. of course i believed but the next day when i brought up what he told me, he replied well we were both pretty f*(&ked up I don't remember saying that.what is going on in his head? i already told him i woulddnt leave since he is the one that wants to end it. but he refuses to leave!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Just remember it takes two to tango before you waste all your energy on her. If this was a one time only, I would hope that you would be finding out why he did it and see if you could work things out. If this was an ongoing relationship, I then don't think I could trust him any longer. That just says he's been lying to you all that time in stead of wanting to work on your relationship. When he says he's confused, to me that says he wants to control you in thinking you have to have him, you can't leave him and he does this to frighten and scare you in feeling all alone...so you will want him and he gets to keep having his cake and eating it to. I don't believe in that confused BS. A person knows they've done wrong and they have to be sorry for doing it...period, no matter what. That's why he is handling it well. I can promise you, he's telling her one thing and telling you another so he can find a way to keep you both..until one of you finally lets loose. Then he's basically "stuck" with the other. He's not worth it. He'll do it again...if not with her, another.
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A
female
reader, Cindy303 +, writes (30 March 2008):
 I am so sorry for what your going through. Have you talked to your husband about the affair? To try and figure out if this is something that has happened alot during the marriage or is this the first time. This is marriage and you need to sit down with him and both of you lay all the cards down on the table and start talking. His answers may help you decide what your next step is. Going after the woman he is with wont help. In fact, it may cause more problems then solve the one your in. There is no magic solution to this. The pain you feel wont go away for awhile, but the first step is to talk to him and see if you both can come up with some answers. I wish you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Hi there,
This happened to me after 15 years. I felt I wanted to kill this other woman and really really blamed her and not him because I felt that she knew he was a married man so shouldn't have gone there. Anyway I got lots of mixed messages too with him obviously vascillating between home comforts and children and the love and affection of someone new. I forced his hand and threw him out and he never tried to come back. I rang the woman number a few times but wasn't brave enough to speak. I wish I had . I wish I had said to her 'what are you doing with a married man and how would you like this done to you' but I felt unable to cope with the confrontation. I wish I had been stronger but I kept hoping he would change and come back so didn't want to rock the boat. I think if you are strong enough it is a good idea to confront the other woman if only by text just so she understands what she is doing - not being nasty, threatening or calling her names just to make it clear that this behaviour is not on. Sometimes if it is a younger woman they have no concept of what the wife is going through and are so flattered by the man they don't care but if you deal with it if only by text they think about it/ mull it over and when they realise how deep they are in sometimes pull out.
With regard to your husband just try to behave normally and keep yourself together. They normally don't care as they are the instigator and are 'loved' up so getting through to them at the moment is fairly futile.
If you can just keep going with your normal routines and don't try and force his hand in any way. Don't let him make you ill so keep eating and look after yourself.
All the best
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): 1) Cry, if it helps.
2) Do something that cheers you up. Like maybe something you've been wanting to do for a really long time, but never could do to time constraints or marriage restrictions.
3) Be strong, for yourself. He can have his stupid mixed emotions for all you care. The very fact is this: He likes someone else. He is not suppose to. So his mixed emotions is just his way of having the best of both worlds. Personally, I don't believe in Polygamy.
Don't bother with kicking that woman's butt. It's not her you're mad at. It's him. Cos He married you. Swore and promised to forever love you. But don't dirty your hands on him. He ain't worth it. I'd rather you go take out the garbage.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 March 2008):
 Look at this situation from a positive angle.
You are now free to do as you want.
No one to tell you what to do or control you.
You have been released from your prison.
Enjoy your freedom and liberty.
You can go out and meet other interesting man and have fun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): My parents divorced after 18 years - for the same thing. My advice? Dont kick HER butt, (maybe his) - but definately, and immediately force his hand. Don't allow him to have mixed messages. After 18 years, he owes you that much. Don't snivel. Don't whine. Make an ultimatum. You absolutely have that right. BE firm, and be ready for any answer. (My mom told my Dad to choose. HE said he just couldn't. So she left. She is great. He is, too - but still pines for her. I respect my mom soooo much, and it has taught me a lot. Yes, I also think you should try to remain in a marriage if one partner "slips" and is willing to cut it off, and honestly work on the relationship. Otherwise, go, not now, but right now, and go with your head held high.
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