A
female
age
36-40,
*armendy
writes:Dear Cupid, Where should I start... Well my boy friend and I have been together for 3 years now and I cant help but feel disconected. We have been through a couple big break ups over him cheating on me when I was pregnant and just after... So far I have forgiven him. But I cant help to feel like Im wasting my time. I love him very much and it kills me to think we wouldn't be together. Feelings of resentment and betrayal are constently on my mind as it seems he's fine with everything. I also have been on a few dates with men who seem really sweet and very different than my boyfriend. But I feel very wrong doing so. Why cant I just forgive and forget? or move on? what do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): He is the meanie here and he don't even apologize?
I know simply saying I am sorry won't change the fact he cheat. However, it is the very basic thing to do. When you did something wrong, say sorry.
If he shows no effort to fix things up, he isn't the one for you.
I understand how you feel. It takes time to move on. But I feel it is something you need to do, for your own future and for your family.
A
female
reader, carmendy +, writes (9 October 2008):
carmendy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah thats the thing since hes cheated... My family hasn't like him very much. My family means the world to me and it tears me apart to have them dislike a partner of mine... He see's how much Im upset by their disproval and yet there's no efort to make amends with them and to say to them " Im sorry I will not be the same man who did this too her" instead he calls them judgemental and say I need to give them an altimatum... Wouldn't he be more than happy to just make an effort with them as he sees me crying over this... Whats he got to loose they already dont like him... Im feeling more and more like I should just move on. It's just hard disrupting my comfort zone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): If you really love him and if he really wanted to change, it will work.
You need to truly forgive him. Never brings that up again. I know it is hard and you will have doubts. Give both of you time. If he changed, things that he done for you, will rebuilt the trust.
If he ever cheat again, there is no reason for you to forgive him. Move on and I believe there is a lot of nice guy out there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): OMG! I am in the same boat... One year later I am still not over it. All I can say is that it does not go away! I am actually considering walking away. The problem is that I moved countries to be with him so I need to make a plan to get out. Someone told me that when someone does you wrong, there has to be a form of puishment for the action. With cheating there is none so you just hold it in and try to forget. My view is that he messed with my self esteem, pride and basically did not appreciate me once, then how can he respect me now that I have taken him back? I hope it works out for you... for me I have tried and the pain just doesn't want to go away!! Good luck... I realised that love without trust is soooo empty!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I know EXACTLY what you are feeling - am in the same boat. I am trying very hard to rebuild my marriage and I love my husband - but those intrusive thoughts are still pretty frequent and I too wonder if I will ever be able to fully forgive and forget. I don;t knoe - all I can do is try. It's very hard to trust when it's been shattered so badly. I have found talking to a counsellor extremely helpful though - it is someone 'safe' I can tell anything and really work through different thoughts and feelings have had. Maybe you should find someone you can confide in and talk to about it too - carrying it all around is just so emotionally draining and unhealthy.My husband sounds like yours too - to him he's "a different person" and has learnt a lesson - and feels completely committed....which is good for him, but not so easy for me to accept. I keep encouraging him to see someone too - to ake sure he truly has looked at and dealt with 'why' it happened in the first place - I continue to hope he will do this. So - for now I am trying to trust and enjoy the closeness we ahve right now...but I also accept that it is 'normal' for me to have the doubts and the resentment at times, some days are good and some are not so good - I don't beat myself up about that. Healing will take a long time. I don't know if this marriage will survive long term or not - all I know is that right now I am committed to trying and so I go with that. I hope you can feel better very soon. Take care.
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