A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a very happy marriage (or so I thought) until I discovered my husband was secretly contacting other women on porn sites. He told me it was pure fantasy and meant nothing and that he would stop as I had got so upset. He does not see this as cheating in any way and is not able to understand why I am so upset. I feel betrayed and worthless - I know men watch porn and I was reasonably okay knowing that my husband was just watching porn in private (I think most men do) but I feel that actually contacting other women and asking them to do things is taking it to a new level. He I am struggling to understand why he feels he needs to do this when we have a great sex life and relationship. We have spoken at length about this and I have tried to understand why but every day I think about it and I am really struggling to get over it and why he did this. He I do not think I will ever understand, I think I will always feel betrayed and that the trust has gone. I do not know how to get over this - I look at him and just think if I had not caught him would he be taking it to another level........ What should I do and how can I move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much everyone for your responses and answers and taking the time to give your thoughts about my situation. I feel very alone as this is something I am not able to discuss with anyone (friends/family) as I am too embarrassed (I feel it is a reflection on being a crap wife or something). I just cannot understand why my husband would do this when everything was so great in our married life and for him to feel the need to chat to other women and ask them to do things for his pleasure (I am anxious it might progress further from this fantasy as he puts it despite his promises not to do this ever again). The trust has gone and I do not know how to get this back - the marriage for me is indeed tainted. Time is a healer and I guess time will only tell where I go from here. Thanks again, it has really helped to finally get some feedback and to know I am not completely alone dealing with this........
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2016): When he just doesn't understand why this is so very very wrong ask him how he would feel if secretly everyday you were talking in a sexually explicit way to men. How would he feel?In my opinion any boyfriend I've had would go absolutely mental if he found out I were doing that and I'm sure your husband would feel exactly the same.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 This is tricky and nebulous isn't it? There will always be those who don't consider it cheating... "Soft cheating" maybe?And yet for you there is no such thing as soft pain. Just regular, boring, raw old pain, worsened perhaps by feelings of doubt as to whether the pain is valid or whether you have a "right" to feel this way.I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that treating this as though it was "real cheating" back when I was in your shoes, was the best thing I ever did for myself, even when I got very little support.I can tell you that I never want to go back to the constant pain that was my marriage, and that the people I lost as a result of leaving are well shod.But I won't tell you to make that choice, because it was not easy and was very challenging. You are welcome to chose your marriage, to fight for it and to risk that he will eventually go far enough that it hurts enough for you to leave.Go for counselling with him if your heart says so, (maybe he'll come to understand) have a revenge affair if your heart says so... (Maybe a little online sexual validation that he "accidentally" finds out about, so that his response will show you how to proceed)I just want to say that I have been as alone as you are, and as alone as you are going to be in the near future and I am sorry that you have to go through that.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 BULL...shit it meant nothing! Just a typical response to being caught out, no different than a cheaters cover up line being " We're just friends". Would it mean nothing if you were to do the same ? Him saying he doesn't believe it is cheating in any way is just an excuse to justify his actions other wise he would have done it with your full knowledge and consent instead he chose to keep it secret. You are right, majority of men watch porn but interacting on such an intimate level as what your husband has done is cheating pure and simple. It really is hard to move forward when one half of the partnership cant see it being a problem because how do you get the validation his actions are the cause of your pain, betrayal and broken trust? Full disclosure and accountability on his behalf is just the starting point in order for you to slowly move forward. Moving forward is not the same as getting where you need to be. So he really does need to understand this. Given his views on what he believe cheating to be I think talking about what you as an individual and as a couple define as behaviours that would be considered to be cheating. Some would consider flirting cheating whereas other don't. Or the opinion that oral sex is not cheating because there is no penetration. Because hearing "it was only a blow job, I didn't fuck her" makes it all that better-um no, but I think you get my point. Will he stop? Cant answer that so I guess thats where you need to discuss boundaries and deal breakers. Thinking things is not going to help you much either, saying things will. He needs to hear your fears and future concerns and you should be asking what he intends on doing to restore your trust. Like wise, you need to let him know that this is not something that you can, or should be told, to just get over. Rather if, and when you do it will be in your time with his assistance. All the best.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (14 January 2016):
 Perhaps it is time to turn the tables on him. Ask him if it would be all right (or how he would feel) if you went to Facebook or another social media site and flirted, talked dirty, or just sought emotional bonding with men.Let's face it. Most guys look at porn or at the very least check out women. What you do with that attraction and what levels it takes you to is where the problems start. Personally, it is one thing to masturbate to an anonymous image/video but to actually interact with someone brings it to a whole other level. While it may be just dirty talk or role playing, there is a certain element of reality to it. In addition, most of the females on the site are actually men so it is a very cruel illusion.It may also be time to explore why he is seeking this out. It could be that he is bored with your sex life or he has certain fantasies. It also could mean that he craves something new. Perhaps it is time to rev up your sex life.This can be a very difficult issue especially where intimacy is concerned. It may behove you to seek out a couple's counsellor or therapist - even for just a session or two to make him understand your discomfort and to broach the subject of your sex life.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 January 2016):
 Off course it meant something, if it didn't well then he never would have done it. He was getting some sort of thrill from contacting these women, would he have went further? Who knows.
Off course this is going to hurt. He has broke your trust. He has tainted your marriage.
It will take a lot of work for him to earn his trust back and show you that he is the man for you. Tell him he needs to make a good effort and hopefully in time you will learn to trust him again and be able to forgive him.
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