A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So i just moved in with my boyfriend of over a year, and we have a fantastic sexual chemistry. We have talked about having a threesome. Over the weekend he was approached by a friend of his, she asked about having a threesome with us. So he told me he has already had a threesome with this woman and his ex wife four years ago. This really upset me. He also told me, himself and his ex wife invited a woman who he had a one night stand with to stay with them, which she did for 3 weeks, and they all had sex during those 3 weeks, god knows how many times. Anyways again, im really upset about all this information i recieved over the weekend, i want to get over it and move on, but i just keep imagining him with these other women, and it is turning my stomach. How do i get past this?
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ex-wife, his ex, move on, moved in, one night stand, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Thank you Tisha. This is exactly what is wrong with me, the smallest things are bringing images into my head that i really don't need to be thinking about.
My bf is very understanding, he realises what i am going through and is helping me. Each day is better and i don't think about this stuff as much. And we won't be seeing this woman that is visiting next month unless i want too, which i don't, so he fine with that. I will most definitely look at the links you posted, and thank you kindly. I really appreciate everyones advice.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
 I'm sorry, I just reread your post again and I see that I missed a major part of this. That you are suffering from retrograde jealousy (also called retroactive jealousy) due to uncontrollable images and thoughts of his sexual history. Now that's a whole other area and one that you need to examine in yourself.
What worries me for you is that there's this history of threesomes in his past, you can't handle the current thought of them, this woman is coming out to see him (and meet you, presumably), you are working yourself up.
If he is a wonderful guy he should be able to recognize that this is distressing you, that you are having these troubling and upsetting thoughts and you need some help with them.
There's an aunt here named "Yos" who has written extensively and often about this RJ (retrograde jealousy). I highly recommend you look through his posts for some good practical advice on how to cope with these thoughts and devise a plan, with your man, to deal with them.
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
I've just started a thread that I hope will be expanded and useful as a discussion post and resource holder. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html (this one is in its infancy and needs a lot more work).
Best wishes as you do your best to communicate effectively with your man and conduct an honest self-examination.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): I've painted a bad picture of my boyfriend, he is a wonderful man. And i amn't gonna to leave him, i love him dearly and i know he loves me too, he's very sorry he has upset me, He had these threesomes while he was married. And they divorced years later for different reasons, he's ex wife was completely willing, she is bi-sexual so it was something she wanted too.
This other woman lives on the other side of the country and will be coming here to the city next month, This is why she got in touch and asked about hanging out with us. I've seen the emails she sent so i do believe this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Surely the only way you can move on and get past it is by leaving him. You are doing what so many women do - trying to adapt or change yourself and your feelings to 'fit' this guy and his past into your life. Why? There are a lot of guys out there who would not make you feel so bad like this. Did he have sex with his ex wife when they were still married or was she his ex at this point? Who on earth is this 'other woman' that has miraculously turned up out the blue. Wow he must be so flattered that she hunted him down just at this moment in time, remembering the 3 weeks of bliss and now wants a new variation of it. Yuk! You need to open your eyes. If you want a threesome go right ahead just remember what you're sharing.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
So you moved in, talked about having a threesome and then suddenly this ex-sex partner shows up asking about threesomes? Hm. Very strange.
I think in an ideal world, a guy who wanted threesomes with his girlfriend would have worked out all the ground rules before she moved in with him. There's something disingenous and contrived about his revelations.
If you don't want threesomes, I'd reconsider the co-habitation decision. There's something not quite right about his timing....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 July 2010):
 Just say no to the threesome, or you will become his next ex. You mean after a year you are just realizing what you are signing up for? "We have talked about a threesome." Most likely he did and you went along just to show how adventurous you are. Do you have a problem with his past or do you have a problem with sharing him with that woman?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2010): Doubt means don't...why the hell would he want you sleep with other women anyways? Maybe he needs to 'sow his wild oats" before committing to a serious relationship.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (26 July 2010):
That was his past! did he bring up the threesome w/ you.
or is it something you want?
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