A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband had 3 children before we met. We went out for a while and then seperated to give each other time to figure out if we wanted to be together long term. While we were seperated, he entered another relationship and had a child. Shortly before the child was born we got back together and have been married now for 3 years. He tells me about all communications with the mother of his first 3 kids but I recently found out that he is talking to and visiting the mother of his 4th child without my knowledge. She lives in the same city so this really concerns me. He has even given her money in addition to the child support he pays. We have discussed this before and I thought he understood how uncomfortable I am with this. I would not have known about this if I would not have seen text messages on his cell phone. Do I confront him or stay quiet? By the way, I also had children before this marriage and he is adamant about me having minimal contact with my ex husband whether it is related to the kids or not.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2009):
 I think the both of you need to sit and talk. I think when it comes to children they should be put before any comfort/discomfort the partner might have.
I think it is a GOOD thing that you husband gave her a little extra money, after all child support covers a pittance of the expenses raising a child.
He shouldn't be hiding that he is visiting nor should be demand you don't see your ex. You two need to settle it. And respect that those children NEED their parents, even if you don't like the idea. Now if he just goes to hang out with the mom, yes I find that wrong.
Talk to him. Be honest.
A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (26 June 2009):
 I really see a red flag with the 4th woman. if he is open with you about the first 3 women than why is he so secretive about the 4th one, unless he has something to hide.
I absoulutely belive that a man or woman should have contact with their children and their mothers because there has to be unity among the parents when it comes to the childs welfare. but why is does at least some of the contact with this 4th woman need to be kept secret.
if he talks to her, see's her, or texts her it should not be a problem. he has an iron clad excuse, the child. so why, why, why keep this under cover.
YES, confront him. if you don't it will eat at you until you get answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): What's fair for one is fair for the other. Neither one of you have the right to limit what the other does and then do the same thing yourself. He is being unfair in this. Either both of you should limit your contact or both of you should have as much contact as you want.
My personal opinion is that both of you should limit your contact with the ex to what is necessary for the children. There is just too much risk of allowing things to go too far when there is a lot of contact with an ex. If a breakup was amicable then there will still be feelings between former partners. My ex wife and I still had feelings after the divorce and did get together for a time. I wasn't married when that happened, but I did have a girlfriend, who is now my wife. My ex came on to me and I just allowed it to happen, so it is easy to do.
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