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female
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*TUMPED
writes: bin with me partner 5 years i was 17 him 25, bin pregnant 10 times have 2 kids. he has been violent and cheated and hes just a twat in general.doesnt have the kids never done the night feeds and doesnt class what i do with the kids as being work. hes just got a job but on his days off i have to take the kids see his family without him so he can chill out but as soon as im gone his mates come round and they go out at my expense when i return the next day the house is a tip and hismates r gone. if i budget 4 the week he has his money for fags and travel in 1 go and blows it and then demands more so me and the kids then have to go with out. now hes got girls numbers on his mobile he says they r colleges but the text said just walkd past ur shop darl x HELP
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female
reader, Ne'cee +, writes (20 October 2006):
 Its easy for me to say leave him its not worth it, but you never know what you would do until your in the position. Voice your opion, let him know what and how you feel. Do not allow him to touch you. A man that hits you will kill you and whos to day he wont do it in front of your kids. h obviously doesnt care too much about you. If he wasnt viloent i'd tell you to give him a taste of his own medicine, the first time my bf called me a bitch, I started calling him bitch. He didnt like and discovered how I feel. Give him a chance to clean up and if he doesn't then you determine your own self worth and do what you need to do. Dont forget about the kids. If nothing else they deserve better.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (20 October 2006):
 I totally get the fact that he is a lousy partner...you can't do much about who he is and what he wants or does. You can do lots about who you are, what you put up with and who you choose to spend your life with. It may sound harsh but he behaves badly because you allow him to behave badly. He knows you will clean up the house, give him money, forgive him sleeping around, take care of his kids and go back for more punishment after the violence...so his view of things is that he is in a 'win win' situation with no motivation to change. You are enabling him to be this way with you by staying. If you leave you are showing yourself to be strong not only to yourself but as an appropriate role model for your kids. Children growing up in abusive families go on to repeat history in their adult lives - if you don't leave for yourself, leave for them. Suggest he gets counselling - maybe your departure will be a wake up call to him. There are plenty of men out there who will respect you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2006): You need to get rid if this jerk. He doesnt respect you and as you are doing all of these things for him he feels like he can get away with it, which is true. Since there are children involved it can be a unpleasant scenario to grow up in and they and yourself deserve a lot better. I think you should talk to him and tell him if he doesnt start to change and make an effort with things (dont give him a huge list just tell him the most important things that really drive you mad!) then you will leave him. he knows he can get away with this behaviour but once you put your foot down he may notice that your serious or if he doesnt change you may realise that you are better off and think back to yourself after a while and think what were you thinking. I know it is hard to do, but you need to put your children first especially if he wont.
Good luck! No one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (20 October 2006):
 Hello Stumped,
You need to get out of this "relationship" and living situation as soon as possible. It is extremely unhealthy for you and your children to have to deal with someone like this on a regular basis.
Do you have relatives that you could stay with until you can get on your feet? What about friends? Maybe look in the paper for inexpensive apartments or people who need roommates. Have you looked into any shelters in your area? Do whatever you can to get out of there.
You may find this website helpful:
http://england.shelter.org.uk/advice/advice-142.cfm
This website also have some valuable information and resources:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/crime/support/domesticviolence.shtml
Take care and please write back if you feel you need more help!
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