A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys,I need group therapy :) My hubby is a very well educated, multi-talented, handsome guy in the building industry and has been feeling very badly about himself lately due to the poor economy especially in his field. Anyway, he is 40 and unemployed for the most part at this moment and has been for a year and a half on and off. I work in marketing and travel sometimes. He has been going to two particular bars alone and if possible with a friend when I'm out of town. He has sent flirty emails to at least one beautiful 25 year old bar tender after initiating a friendship on facebook. She is bisexual with a girlfriend but I very seriously doubt he knew it at the time he initiated their friendship. Anyway, he has been very defensive and I, feeling a "red flag" did something very uncool, I checked his fb messages. Somewhat flirty and inviting. Enough to creep out and embarrass a spouse but only flirty.. Makes me wonder what I don't know, ya know? I'm not worried about this beautiful young girl because she has a girlfriend. However, she is very much an exhibitionist; at least online. I’m not worried about her but more about his ego and behavior and the future. He thinks that I’m acting like a crazy woman. It does hurt and it is embarrassing because we share aquantices and friends and I feel like everyone (that I barely know through him) knows my man is desperately seeking ego attention. I’m so tired of being the giver and supporter due to his poor ego. He’s a good guy mostly but an energy drainer at this point…All input is welcome. With gratitude-H.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): First, you sound like a smart and level-headed person. I have felt the same way as your husband. Your description of him, could equally apply to me. Men sometimes feel this way in general whe. They hit around 40, but particularly when they are unemployed or underemployed. It can be very emasculating.
Looking back on myself, I have enjoyed the attention of youger pretty girls at certain times of my file. This was typically when I was at my lowest. It wasn't at all that I was interested in them. Rather, they reminded of how It used to feel to be me - when I was happy and confident. When I felt like a man.
You hold the power to solve this dilemma, even more than he does. You know how women on this site are always telling men to pay their wives more attention, complement her, etc. Well this is one time in his life that he needs YOU to do that for him. If he feels like a man at home, he will quickly lose interest for an immature young bar maid (unless he is the cheating type anyway, which does not sound likely from your post). Your fawning attention will also help him right the ship in his business life.
I know, from experience, that men are expected to be strong and confident at all times. That we are very unattractive to women, and especially our spouses, when we are emotional or weak. But guess what, we are human. We do feel emotions, and at certain times in our lives we are weak. Help him out of this period of self-loathing.
And, remember while you may find him tiresome and unattractive when he is weak and emotional - that bartender may not. She is probably not used to getting such interest from a cultured man like him. She may be flattered and intrigued. I am sure he is more witty and interesting to her than the usual 20 year old boys who try to impress her. She may try to make something happen, and you don't want your husband to stumble when he is at his weakest.
Good luck. Stand by your man in his time of need. In the end, you will be closer and stronger for it...
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