A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship with this guy and at the beggining everything was great.it was my first relationship so i was really excited so was he.he was really in love with me and after a month he first told me he loved me.BUT he was jealous all the time and he was overreacting.we had to many fights and it was really bad.at the end of the second month whilw we were fighting we started calling me names so i said to myself "no more" and left the relationship.i didnt do anythiny bad and i was always loyal and honest and all this things.byt he kept saying that im lying and i hide things from him etc.now its a month that we are not together and he still calls and sends messages. sometimes that we met he started crying saying that he loves me and he wants me in his life and he stares deep into my eyes i can see he says the truth.but on the other hand when i try to explain to him his behavior so that he can fix his issues of trust he gets mad and stats calling me names again.i know i dont deserve it but i aslo know that im in love with him and that he also is.he asked for a second chance and i said no but im thinking of it.what should i do?? help please!
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (1 April 2016):
 You need to stop telling yourself that he will change, just because you had some good times together.
The fact is, you had many more bad times and it's because of these bad times, that you are contemplating what to do.
Two months id a very short time, but you are very lucky that he showed his true colours very early on, so you can now make your decision.
You've received many responses, from many well meaning and wise individuals, so take wise, logical and factual counsel from that.
I've yet to read one reply to your question, whereby somebody has asked you to remain with this guy.
Why not? you might ask.
Well, it's because he is no good for you, not suited to you and he calls you names when he doesn't get his way, plus he possesses other negative, unhealthy traits.
What i don't understand with YOU, is that this guy, who you love, portrays regular disrespect toward you and you still tell yourself that he's a keeper and that you love him and i suspect you think he loves you too.
How can a man genuinely love you when he calls you names?
You need to keep telling yourself this, otherwise you will end up ten times more heartbroken than you are now, mark my word!
This guy does not love you, he does not respect you whetsoever!
You are in complete denial of the facts. You tell yourself what you want to believe is true, but in reality, it's definitely not.
I suspect you have poor self-confidence, otherwise you would have walked out the door from the onset.
Make that wise decision and get on with your life.
If you are naive enough to remain with this guy, then do so at your own risk, yes, at your own risk and please don't say that you were not forewarned and forearmed.
As a fellow female, i know you can do much better and you deserve better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2016): Getting out of a bad situation requires seeing it for what it is. You're trying to take it back to where it started; and keep finding your way back to where it ended. Name- calling and jealousy is all you're getting out of this.
All new relationships start out fun and romantic. Mainly because you don't know each other that well. You've also romanticized a lot of what happened in the beginning to some degree; making things a lot sweeter than they actually were. Of course, because it was a new exciting experience.
You have to come out of your denial and stop rationalizing his behavior as only temporary or just a flaw.
Jealousy is a potentially dangerous emotion. People kill other people; and commit suicide behind after they've take a life.
Yes, it can get that serious!
Getting out early is what you do to avoid what could only get worse. I had to lay it down hard to get you to think, young lady. He's not only jealous, he's verbally-abusive.
He's also accusatory, which amounts to obsessive.
Block his calls and get away from him; before you see the really dark-side of what that kind of man can be.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 March 2016):
 Two months is a very short time in reality, and because this is your first relationship you really want it to work out. You spotted signs that you should get out and you did, but you are still staying in contact with him, and eventually he will ware you down until you take him back, and his name calling and possession will only get worse and worse. He doesn't see you as an equal but someone that he owns, don't allow yourself to go back here, you may have had a few good times, but you need to focus on the bad. That's what will help you through.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 March 2016):
 There are millions of fish in the sea. Why have one that tries to drown you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the help!i know that moving on is the best thing for me to do as i respect my self and understand his behavior.the only thing that makes me upset is when i think of the good times we had together.it was only for two months but i was really happy with him and he aslo seemed to be.and the fact that being so happy himself treated me that way confuses me very much. on the other hand there were too many bad moments for two months only.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 March 2016):
 Good grief girl!
Do not take him back and for your OWN sake, block and delete his number. Tell him beforehand that you DO NOT want him back and you want NO further contact.
When you were dating you say a "little" glimpse of a guy with control issues and abusive behavior. And you were SUPER SMART to end it. (I applaud that!!)
Now he is trying to manipulate you with crying and declarations... Fact is, he doesn't KNOW how to love anyone.
He will keep promising you whatever he thinks you want him to say, but here is the thing... WORDS are cheap. He is NOT going to change. He is just hoping YOU will finally just SUCK up his behavior. Something you REALLY shouldn't HAVE to do.
CUT the contact, the more you talk to him, the more you encourage his notion that you WILL do what he want. That you will SUBMIT to his behavior.
You have good instincts, TRUST in them and cut the contact, stay away from him and LET him find his own way ON his own. YOU CAN NOT FIX him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 March 2016):
 He has already had his second, and third and fourth chance. Each time you have tried to discuss the issues you were giving him another chance, and each time he blew his chances by calling you names.
No more chances, block his number, block him on social networking sites and refuse to answer the door if he comes knocking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016): Why would you take him back for more of the reason you broke-up in the first place? Is that logical? Do you enjoy being called names and constantly being under suspicion?
What quality would such a relationship have?
Abusers always beg and plead. It's to wear down your defenses. Sometimes you've got to use your head and common-sense about relationships. Do yourself better!
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (30 March 2016):
Hi,
your ex bf has deep rooted issues and they are primarily regarding control and possession.
He thinks he can manipulate you with his emotional state.
You say you love him and he loves you, but from reading your msg, i am under the conclusion, that your bf thinks he owns you and he doesn't totally respect you, nor will he be able to change for the better, UNLESS he seeks professional counselling.
The fact that every time he doesn't get his way, he starts calling you names, is the big red flag.
How can this be true love?
How can name calling be classified as true love?
Ask yourself this question.
Did you appreciate being called names, every time your ex bf didn't like what you said, or didn't get his way?
If you were to see him again, i can promise you that he will continue to display this bad form of character and you would be subjected to this verbal abuse ongoingly.
It's up to you, if you are prepared to accept and handle this, but most people would be running for the hills.
In any relationship, once we start using curse words, it often leads to more and more abusive language and behaviour, until both parties come to the realisation that they don't have a good, healthy and respectful union.
It only gets worse after the children come along and are also subjected, to watching their parents verbally abuse one another.
Often the children, when adults, will do the same to their partners, because it's what they grew up witnessing and they don't know any better.
In some cases, verbal abuse may even lead into physical abuse and this is because the perpetrator got away with the initial abuse, so they feel they've "permission" to take their abuse further.
The truth is, your ex bf doesn't have very good self-control and it's not your issue, nor problem to "fix" him and make things better, so do not even try to do it.
You will be wasting your time.
You need to keep yourself safe, at peace and you need to keep your self-worth intact and by dating such a guy, this is quite destructive long term.
I would advise you to not give him another chance, let him go and break all ties with him.
You love him, but remember, love is a two way street and he doesn't respect you as much as you may presume he does.
I am sorry if i sound harsh, however, i don't think he truly loves, cherishes and adores you, because if he did, he simply wouldn't ever wish to hurt you.
When we swear in the presence of our partner, every time we have a difference of opinion, this is called verbal abuse.
It's up to you, to put a complete stop to it.
Don't tolerate his abuse!
I wish you all the best!
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