A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I am looking for advice on what to do with my current situation. My ex and I broke up over year ago after a 3 year relationship. I was completely heartbroken but i accepted his decision. I had to cut all contact from him in order to get over him,and this took a few months. He had always wanted to stay friends and i agreed also. He then started seeing a girl after me who he is now in a relationship to this day. to cut the story short, we had a our first conversation after 4 months of not seeing or talking to each (completely on friendship terms),and it was just catching up on news and what not. He suggested that night that maybe we could start meeting up as friends maybe once a month or whatever just for catchups and i said yes cos i knew i was ready. as time went on he never contacted me after that but we bumped into each other at a friends bday, ( we have a lot of mutual friends) and i knew something was wrong because he never introduced me to his girlfriend and he ignored when i arrived and i had to introduce myself. when i was talking to her i thought she was lovely and i asked my ex why he didnt introduce me, he said he felt things would be akward. I said well i thought you would know me better than that and besides it would have to happen eventually because we have the same group of friends. Basically as time went on i never really got a chance to chat to my ex on these nights out,only a quick hello, However on many occasions and i know this sounds petty but i found his girlfriend giving me dirty looks and staring at me constantly at times when he wasnt around. the first time it happened i thought i was over reacting but then it happened more and more often. I began to notice she never came over to say hello to me or neither did he, i was always the one to do so. I could go on for hours about this but its too long, but so many of these nights have been extremely hard for me with the tension between us, i eventually got a chance to ask him one night why he was choosing to ignore me and be so disrespectful of me and he gave really pathetic answers. i also asked him if his girlfriend has a problem with me and if she did she could say it to my face. basically this conversation lead to a fight,when he texted me the next day saying how i had no right to say what i had to say about his girlfriend and he wanted reasons. i said what i had to say and the reply i got was pathetic. after that it was a friends birthday and i knew i would end up bumping into them on that night. my ex waved at me and said hello as if nothing had happened, as much as i was hurt i managed to give a wave but that was it.Im at this stage now, were i dont know who he is anymore, and im not looking for that type of friendship with him as we thought we both could have had. It has now come to the point were i feel i cant hang out with my group of friends cos he is always there now, i have always been a strong person, and my close friends have admired me for doing so well to get through such a hard breakup, yet remaining loyal and accepting his new relationship and making an effort not too make things akward, but they both have. I really thought that after the last few months of this shit happening I would remain strong and get through it, but I feel I really cant. Its such a shame because I have missed a few friends 21sts because of this situation, and i feel like such a failure, and i have now given up. I know that if i was to go along to these nights out, i would have to put on a fake front and be civil towards him and her as they are to me, but its so horrible i cant face it. I know i am a sensitive person, but do you think I should try and get passed this? believe me i have tried so hard on many occasions and know im emotionally exhausted and i cant take it anymore. its such a shame it has come to this and i really dont know what to do now. has anyone ever been in this situation? thanks guys.
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female
reader, uhohlala  +, writes (17 November 2008):
Ah, that's too bad. I can understand why you feel awkward around your ex and his girlfriend, given their hostility. But it's very clearly their problem, not yours.
Really what this tells you is that your ex and his girlfriend have issues of some sort, and you are to one extent or another a convenient scapegoat. What those issues are can only be guessed at, but I can think of at least two likely possibilities. The first is that for one reason or another his girlfriend feels insecure in their relationship. If he's emotionally distant or giving some signs of not being as committed to her as she'd like, then she might have focused her anxiety and anger on you as a proxy for her dissatisfaction with her relationship. It's also possible that your ex at some point (perhaps early in their relationship) talked about you too much, in glowing terms, and triggered her jealousy. But either way, in this scenario, her animosity is the result of uneasiness about her relationship with your ex. If so, pity her, because it's not going to get any better!
The other possibility that I can think of is that perhaps your ex has deliberately bad-mouthed you to his girlfriend, perhaps after the two of you met and talked, in order to reassure her that he has no romantic interest in you. But of course the problem with that is that if he really *didn't* have romantic interest in you, he wouldn't have needed to resort to stupid lies about you and/or what you're doing in order to dupe his girlfriend.
There are any number of other possibilities, but the point is that you know you've done absolutely nothing to apologize to either of them for. Their negative response to you is coming from something that has nothing to do with you or anything you've actually done. It's based on their insecurities or problems with each other.
My advice is to hold your head high and not allow the two of them to intrude on your social life. I'd say nothing to either of them about their rudeness to you, and instead just ignore them whenever you can, and extend cool courtesy when you must interact with them. Your friends know what's what, and really the only ones who look bad in this situation are your ex and his girlfriend. Seriously, pity them.
And congratulations -- the high road is not the easiest road but the long-term rewards always make it worthwhile.
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