| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm going through a really difficult period in my life and don't know what to do. How to restart and go on...I'm 41 and have been with my husband for 15 years, no kids. Good times and bad. Well now things have gotten pretty bad. The good times you can imagine, so no point in writing about that ;)My situation is this: I'm employed full-time on a minimum wage. Apart from this, I teach on weekends. Hours may be long and pay not great, but there's little stress. Another benefit is that I can mostly organize my own work and time, which allows me to deal with... well, everything else. In our house I'm the one doing all the work, cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying the bills, dealing with all sorts of administration problems... My husband has only one obligation - his work. He's a manager in a firm with fixed hours, but he hates his job. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts.This "agreement" wasn't something we specifically agreed on. It's hard to explain in a few sentences, but for some reason I felt that this organization was temporary because .... (fill in the blanks) and that whenever we surmount this problem, things we'll get better. We'll talk and agree on sharing the responsibilities.I accepted to do a lot of things because he simply couldn't and then later on he simply wouldn't. I've accepted because there was always something. Somehow my husband problems had priority, family problems, stress at work... and I learned as a child to be quiet and do the work. So I'm not saying it's my husband's fault.However, what I do consider to be his responsibility is his abusive behavior. He wasn't like that when we started dating and he wasn't like that when we started living together and later on got married. There were some "episodes" here and there bit they were few and far apart and he would always apologize. When we moved for his work to another country and when in a sense I became more dependent on him since my career suffered (hence the minimum wage and work on weekends to try to earn enough), the episodes became my everyday life: he would get mad for a simple fact of us having to pay taxes, bills, repair the stove, go to a party he suddenly lost interest in... and he wouldn't get philosophically mad at life or God, he would get mad at me - yell, call me names, find fault in everything I do, I am... Before I get into more details let me get one thing straight, I'm not a spender. I don't go on shopping sprees or compulsively buy stuff. I buy clothes and shoes when needed in secondhand shops, make gifts for friends on special occasions and do our own laundry, cooking and cleaning.Whenever I would try to talk to him about our relationship, he would simply insist on a fact that I'm somehow smarter than him and that's why I should continue juggling with so many different balls. He was diagnosed with ADHD 8 months ago, which explained a lot - impulsiveness, aggression, lack of focus, anxiety, depression. And now he has one more real reason on why he can't do things and why he gets to get mad. Until now he used to have one explanation for his behavior: work. I took me some time to put a label to his behavior: abuse, because I thought he didn't mean it it was the "situation".Two years ago I started therapy. I was lucky to enter a state-funded program, otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford it and it helped my self-confidence through identifying old bad patterns and starting to adopt new healthy ones.I'm seriously thinking about preparing a divorce. At first I felt like a hypocrite for not talking to my husband about it, but I'm in a precarious situation and don't feel safe. We haven't had sex in a very long time and even before that in recent years we had it rarely - erectile dysfunction. So that is not the problem for me. Unfortunately I don't have the means to move out, so I'll need to organize everything in advance. I was thinking about renting a safe and putting my documents there (passport!), I have no valuables a part from some old family photos. As a first step I'd have to seek advice from a local community lawyer, free of charge, but I know I'll have to pay a professional to do the work afterwards.I don't have a vast network of friends here, so I'll have to rely on myself. I have no family. I've been looking for a better paying job, but the economy is bad and I can't wait to find a new job before I leave. He's verbal abuse has turned into throwing and breaking things. I think that maybe his ADHD meds (stimulants!) have aggravated his aggression. Talking to him is impossible.I have no witnesses of his aggression and I'm afraid that even if I talked to the police they would consider this to be not serious enough for them. He has never laid a finger on me. He has grabbed my wrists a couple of times and two months ago prevented me from leaving the apartment (took my keys) because he wanted to talk to me - apologize for yelling etc. I warned him that I'll notify the police next time. Seven months ago he had an incident. What started off as a typical small traffic mishap (a guy ran a red light and hit my husbands car) turned into an argument and a physical fight. There were witnesses saying that the guy hit my husband first, but what my husband did next was beyond sheer self-difference. He didn't just prevent the guy from harming him, he beat him. No serious injuries on either of them, but still. Last night he kept yelling at me how I got it easy, while he keeps "busting his balls", while he was breaking plates and throwing food from the fridge hitting a wall.I just feel so cornered. I wish him well, I care about him, but I need to get out....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 January 2018):
 Thanks for the update, OP!
It's always good to hear when a poster finds something useful to take away from the answers.
I also understand why you stayed for this long. Having hope that someone will get better, or that you can help them, it's human nature. Not everyone has that level of empathy and care, but we ALL have limits to just how much we can (and will) handle when it comes to a partner/spouse.
Regardless of his diagnosis, you can't FIX him, and will not change unless he WANTS to change - which again is highly unlikely.
We all get ONE life to live. So making the BEST of it, is definitely what you need to do.
Many countries (in USA and Europe) have women's shelters and various hotlines so that is something I'd personally look at. I know in some countries that wait list is VERY long, but they can still provide useful information for you to move forward with.
I hope you will be able to get out sooner rather than later. And that you will update us.
Best of luck and my best wishes for a safe "extraction" and new life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): If he has no empathy, maybe he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Look up emotional abuse and manipulation. There isn't much hope for rehab with this guy, especially if you've been with him for so long and the relationship patterns have become so ingrained. He has it good, draining you of your time and energy, so why would he want to change anyway? I would suggest going to individual therapy alone to help plan your escape and figure out why you are attracted to such people in the first place, so you don't end up with another one. I have made the same mistakes in my life, but there is hope. Honestly I feel much better by myself at least. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): Thank you all so much for your support!I live in Europe and will try to find what are my options (shelters, organizations...). The information you gave me is so useful and helps me to actually visualize what I have to do.I've been thinking about it for years and some of the reasons for staying were connected to me wanting to be there for him and help him. And I have, I know that I have. It was my choice.Thank you also for suggesting some other possible diagnosis. Years ago I thought about the Intermittent Explosive Disorder, since he has a dramatically disproportionate reaction to what he considers to be stressors and a full fit of rage to what most people would consider to be stressful situations. It seemed like the right fit. Two shrinks has confirmed ADHD, but I don't know, maybe two different diagnosis can coexist. At some point he was convinced that he could be on the autistic range, but the shrinks have crossed this over.His lack of empathy is sometimes painfully evident. When I was down with a flu for ONE day two weeks ago, he was angry. I have asked him for nothing, but he was annoyed by the idea that I can't be functional and that he might have to do something.Thank you all!!!!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (21 January 2018):
 I think that the ADHD is only one of the symptoms of his behavior. If he is throwing things, he likely also has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Compulsive behavior often is another symptom with these two, however all 3 of these are often behaviors of a person who is Autistic or who has Bipolar Disorder. So in my opinion, he hasn’t been diagnosed properly yet and even if he has meds, they aren’t comprehensive enough for him.
It’s up to you to decide if you want to help him with this or not. It’s a big sacrifice and may not yield much results. Given your age, you may just want to wash your hands off this marriage and look for another man... so your idea of leaving him makes lots of sense. I think you do have a right idea on how to go about it, to keep it a secret, to build your finances and be prepared to, once you move from him, never to talk to him, never to reconnect in any way.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 January 2018):
 Nothing to add to the advice already given but didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to say, you are doing the right thing in getting out of this abusive relationship. You WILL cope on your own, and you will be happier because you will be safe.
Wishing you all the best in your new life. x
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (21 January 2018):
Document his bad behavior toward you...the date, the circumstances leading up to it, what he did or said, to what degree you felt threatened...those types of things. I would even get an audio or video recording. You may need this for a restraining order or divorce proceedings. Breaking plates and throwing food is one short step from physically harming you. It is best you get out before that happens.
Get information on support systems such as Honeypie mentions asap! This will not only help you resettle but will help give you the confidence to take action. And when you do leave, it'll really help to have a network of other women who you can confide in. You have been badly abused and don't deserve the life your husband is putting you thru. We wish you the BEST of life!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 January 2018):
I don't think talking to him is a good idea either. Whether it's his meds that are making things worse or HE is just getting worse (because HE is more comfortable with acting out) - it really doesn't matter.
I think looking into either a room-mate situation (which could be the cheaper option or a 1 bedroom apartment - I think the SOONER you get started the better.
Definitely get ALL the important documents (birth-certificate, passport, marriage certificate, etc. and put them in a safe place, same with ANYTHING personal that has great meaning or personal value to you.
Also I have provided some link with info that can hopefully help you "get out" safely.
http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/
https://www.womenslaw.org/about-abuse/safety-tips/domestic-violence-victims/safety-when-preparing-leave-abuser
https://www.rosen.com/domestic/darticles/divorce-and-domestic-violence/
The sooner you can get out, I think the better. He sounds unpredictable and unsafe for you to be around.
I would also call any LOCAL women's shelters, while your case might not be "serious" enough ( and when I say serious - I mean compared to women who are beaten and constantly in fear for their lives) THEY might still be able to help you in the right direction of lawyers, place to stay etc. etc.
Stay safe and DO NOT feel bad for wanting out. NO one should have to live in fear of a partner.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (21 January 2018):
If you are in the United States call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 online at TheHotline.org. If you’re not in the US figure out that countries equavelent organization and call them. They will provide you the help you need.
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