A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Everybody's been telling me that I really have to break up with my bf (b4 he does anyways), we've been 2gether for almost 8 months and things have been up and down...until recently they ve been v down, he no longer calls like he used to and I'm no longer his priority...The thing is he is so not right for me, he drinks, he takes drugs just for fun!! he hangs out with bad gurls and all his frnds r just like that...I just thought that if he loves me too much he'd change, he'd become a better person and would commit to me, but he has commitment issues and now he's been farring apart from me, yet he calls every now and then which makes me think he doesnt want to leave me or else y is he calling...it's as if he's holding on to me cos am the only pure thing in his life! however, I just know that it's wrong to be with him, yet I can't collect myself and leave him...right now what am doin is that I stopped carring if he doesnt call me I dont go calling him all the time, I just do the same and I dont call, however this is not right and I cant get him off my mind, am here bothered n thinking what could he be doing when am sure he's out there having fun!!I tried talkin with him but whenever I open a serious issue he just turns the table on me....I just cant make the decision of leaving him!! I mean I really want things to work out and that he'd be a better person and all that but it just seems like a fairy tale or a dream!!I keep thinking what if I leave him and he just turns on me or what if I leave him when he was about to change...am not that strong enough to leave him, besides we've been into deep 2gether and I cant risk the fact that we ve made love 2gether thou am a virgin, but I just cant do all this all over again with another person in the future!!!! I want him to be the one, I love him and I miss him, but he just doesnt get it! And I know he wouldnt leave me so that I wont think he used me and then left me when he got bored! but I think maybe he's acting careless so that I'd leave him....Is there a way I can fix things?! or how do I make it throu all of this?! Please help I think am desperate :'(
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): Hi there desperate, I have been in your shoes with a drug using bad boy, he certainly has a sweet side or you wouldn't be so into him, but the truth of the matter is that he is a selfish, self-centered immature, manipulative jerk and he has got your number. A real deal breaker is that he uses drugs, really bad sign, but sadly has become so common place with your age group that it is down right scarey. You say you are afraid to leave him because what if he changed and you missed out on that....that is just some crazy talk you are really chasing your tail on this one, and it is a miserable place to be.
How about will you be glad to be there when he dies of an overdose? Sorry, I couldn't resist hitting you with that one, no one, but no one is going to change this guy except him. You can wait around and let him drag you down with him if you want to or worse wear you down until you start partying with him and get hooked yourself--that is what he is really waiting around for....or you can muster up all your strength and courage and dump him on his behind, which he really deserves...do you realize that just hanging out with him you are giving him permission to keep treating you poorly, you are telling him it is OK with you if he does drugs, even if your words say otherwise?
Get out now, and turn to your friends and family to support you through the feelings that will come up which include guilt, fear, sadness, regret, grief and anger. Don't be afraid of leaving him to avoid these emotions, you are already there and in pain, why prolong the bleeding? I feel sorry for him, he doesn't know what he is missing out on, he is so in love with his lifestyle and drug use, he hasn't a lot left for you, you can feel sorry for him too if you want to , but that is not a reason to stay.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 October 2006):
 You are into him, becuase as a jerk her addresses your emotional needs. He is not going to change, because any guy who has been in his situation knows, when he changes, he actually changes all the things about him that you find attractive. If he does change, you would not find him attractive anymore.
Women do not really "love" being abused...but they "respond" to jerks like your bf. A woman has 10 emotional needs, and if she can get those same emotional needs addressed by a nice guy, ONLY then will she be able to get over the jerk. I have a whole chapter in my book, Everything Out of Her Mouth is a Test: A MAn's Guide to Satisfying the Emotional Needs of Women.
You already know what you need to do.
-Frank B Kermit
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