A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My longterm boyfriend (just over 4 yrs) has lied to me many times about things relating to other women (who he is with, how close they are, etc). Often times I find out about these events through other people- he never comes forward until I catch him right out or someone else tells me that he was with some other girl. I don't think he is cheating on me but he has deceived me so many times that I have a hard time trusting him, even though it has been about 8 months since the last time I caught him in one of his girl-related lies. He has cried, begged, apologized, etc. but I have a hard time placing my trust in him again.This is damaging our relationship, and I feel like I am having a really really hard time letting go of the past. I am always looking over my shoulder for his next lie. It's tearing me, and us apart. I love him dearly, I want to be with him forever. But I need some advice so that I can get over the mistakes he has made in the past. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on feeling uneasy like this.Anyone been in a similar position, or have any good advice? He loves me and wants to be with me, and I love and want to be with him too- but is it enough? How do I get over his lies? I have tried to let it go but sometimes I get nervous again and end up bringing it all up again. It upsets us both. He wants me to trust him and I want to trust him... how do I do that??? Help please I am desperate. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anessa  +, writes (20 September 2009):
Hi, Im in an exact same situation. I have been with my husband for 18 years,we have 3 kids together.He has lied, cheated and betrayed me over and over. Just about 2 months ago, I had suspicions that he was cheating on me, again. Then one day he came home late, something made me go into the laundry basket, and I cant believe my eyes..omg!!!! I found some crusty cum stain on the lower part of his t-shirt, and it had body spray all over it,I mean not all over the shirt, but just that bottom part...I was so traumatized until now, That it hurts me so much when I think about it...How dare he pull this shit on me..I confronted him, and he says that it was a doughnut stain, then it was my lotion..What an asshole he was..He didnt know what to say, so he left the house to go his mothers house..wat a a bitch...then 3 days later he came over and said he know he was wrong.He was trying to buy his way back, and off course I took him back. He said he wasnt going to do it again, then 2 months later, I caught lipstick on a Mc'Ds straw.I asked him whos lipstick is on the straw? He had a shocking look on his face,he didnt know what to say..He says that it was just a friend that bought him lunch. Oh really, He was out fishing that day, and then he had lunch with a friend, Thats too hard to believe. We have been apart for almost 3 months now, and he does come and go, blaming me for kicking him out..I dont know what his problem is, but he still blames me for everything, He will never admit he was wrong thats the reason why I kick him out for cheating on me over and over. I dont think he will ever change, I just dont understand why he would leave or destroy his family that he made for 18 years and not be a better man or father. To all the girls that have dealt with a cheating husand or boyfriend, just be strong, dont deal with the bullshit and love yourself. You will be happy...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2008): Hey.. You know all the ins and outs on cheaters. Well I do.. Here you go. Trust comes within. But, here are red flags to look for. When they have alot to hide. Or its starts getting tense. They change there cells alot, move alot. Tend to have jobs drawing them away from home. Such as Truck drivers, etc.. You know the ones that cover there where abouts. And will cover there tracks like serial killers.. Not kidding it is some kind of disease, within themselves. Trust me Once a cheater always a cheater. Respect and love yourself and get out!! You deserve better for yourself. I just hope no children are involve. If so counseling. But, last resort. If it doesn't work get out. Counseling with cheaters needs to last for a long time. good luck to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Love is NOT enough. Without trust, you have nothing . So what is he doing to build the trust-besides telling you 'he loves you a lot"? What are the actions here? Is he being accountable for his whereabouts? Has he stopped lying? Is he honest? Are you checking upon him? What is he 'doing' (not telling you) to assure you he is now a 'trustworthy' man? Until he has fixed himself and proves himself a man of integrity and he shows strength, efforts, maturity to gain your trust, he's not worth it. If your man wasn't willing to respect and love you enough to put in the time and efforts to build a foundation here, to build something solid with you based on trust in the first place...those guys are NOT the ones who will persist over the long term with sacrifice to keep this relationship healthy and sound. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Or do you want to just keep hopin', tryin' and having periods of trust and then bleak, dark periods of angst, resentment and mistrust. Staying with a man you can't trust will give you what? Nothing. but a toxic relationship and a sinkhole under your heart, eventually. . So I have to ask--why are you frittering away your precious life and your time-out of desperation-to stick it out with this guy? Due to his historical past behavior of lying to you-cheating on you-trust will be difficult to rebuild. It will take long, long, long term work and you may never trust him fully, ever. You have alternatives here, hun. Use your courage and creativity and make plans to go it on your own. And perhaps someday, you may find a wonderful man who is honest, has integrity and one you can trust. As for this leaving current guy, you will grieve and recover but in time you will never, ever regret making this decision. Sorry dear, he simply not worth the time and efforts you have to put in. Especially, when there is someone out you can fully trust. A good, solid relationship should never, ever have this type of worry that you are wxperiecning. Maybe, you have to ask...why are you putting up with it?
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (21 November 2007):
 All serial cheaters have a girl they go home to. One who will put up with their infidelities turn a blind eye and pray they can change him.
First thing, if you think he is going to change just look at all the other stories on this site - they are carbon copies almost .
Its funny how he wants you to trust him, what exactly is he putting on the table to make you trust him? Sleeping with other woman? putting yourself at risk of STD's . I hope you use condoms otherwise get yourself to your doctor and get checked up as chances are a lot of these girls he sleeps with won't be exactly clean.
There are guys out there who dont cheat, it is not your destiny to be with a cheater, despite what assurances this a-hole gives you. You can do better.
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A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (20 November 2007):
 In my experience, love on its own is not enough. It has to be supported by trust and respect. Without one of these there will always be problems. There is much to be said about why you would continue to be with someone you do not trust. You say you want to be with him forever? I think you should carefully consider this decision. He may love you but why does he have to lie and what exactly is he looking for with these other women? My advice is to call things off until you are sure that (a) you can forgive him completely for all the past mistakes and (b) he commits to be with you and change his behaviour. Until then, these problems will become the story of your life...
Good luck and I hope things work out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007): Hi, I am in an axact same situation. Have been with my fiance for 8 years, he has lied, cheated and decieved me only to comeback and cry, apologise and swear its never gonna happen again, and do you know he now has a kid with 1 of the women he has been cheating with so girlfriend Im also your age -22-25 And to tell you the truth cheaters never change, its in their blood and no matter how much he says he loves you thing is he will always have other girls too. And that un easy feeling - that is your gut girl telling you the truth. Im sorry i felt the same way bout my man who i am trying very hard to cut ties with and Love is not all it takes, there should be respect, honour, care, honesty etc and lacking that i dunno wat i can call this. If you want to be happy try and find someone who will love, respect, honour and make you feel like you are the only women for him.
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