A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I work in a professional firm in the city in I was born outside USA and have top academic and professional credentials and am closeted gay. There is a senior colleague in our firm who is gay. I have told him I am gay and we spend a lot of time together. I really like this guy although he is a lot older than me. I have been dropping signals and I am sure he knows that I like him. He is non committal about how he feels about me. To be fair, he is scared of sexual harassment complaints (he told me) and all his friends know about me! He buys for me super expensive well thought out gifts. However there is no attempt to ask me out. I have on two occasions stopped speaking to him completely just with a view to protect myself and on both times, he appears very upset and makes attempts to contact me and send me gifts. We text each other, he helps me shop, he is helping me buy an apartment, we address each other using favorite nicknames in private, talk of each others preferences in sex/men - however I am feeling very confused. Am I just being misled? The reason for this is that he says he values my friendship. however, I don't think normal friends would behave this way! Please tell me if I am headed down a path of depression? I love him very much but I wonder whether the age, the fact that I am from a different country etc makes a difference! He apparently comes from a very wealthy family too
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 the presents is what is confusing you and making you think of love. get him to cut it out.dont shit where you eat as they say.in other words dont mess up your wagepacket and career with the (typically) unstable affairs of the heart. if things went bad with him it could mess your career up down the line as he has power over you and an unbalanced situation is a bad basis for a relationship and not really a good basis for friendship unless you are out to gain something from it...
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 March 2011):
 post script;I am not suggesting the you, nor he, ever intend to do the wrong thing. But all employees should be aware of the boundaries. These boundaries are there for a reason.The reason he is so worried about sexual harassment charges and the reason you too should keep the same concerns in mind is that successful litigants have won multi million dollar settlements in court over sexual harassment claims against some big companies in USAIt is also a public relations disaster if a problem arises and the media feed on such stories like sharks in a frenzy.You are at work to work, not satisfy personal sexual needs.Read the existing policy documents for your company on sexual harassment. Do the same on their policy for Ethics and Integrity.Such claims can ruin the reputation of a company and you should keep yourself well informed on these issues so that you are always aware of the boundaries.And so that you never cross the boundaries.I know that the law can be different in different countries. But trust me me it is a serious issue in USA
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 March 2011):
You are well qualified and it is good to receive professional mentoring and encouragement to further your career at work in a professional sense.
And i have no issue with you entering into a public or private same sex relationship with this man IF you work somewhere else. Not in the same firm as him.
BUT. And it is a very big but.
he is mentoring you, but going too far. He should not be buying you expensive presents. His position in the hierachy is senior. You, despite your studies, are junior to him.
At all times you need to present yourself as a professional and weigh up all that you do against ethics and integrity standards required of you.
The company may have much more invested in him and gain far more from
his depth of experience than yours.
Also do not think your colleagues have not noticed this budding relationship. Some may even be jealous of the attention you are receiving.
If a job came up, and you applied for it, and your older colleague was on the panel, then some might question the integrity of the situation. And question if he could be impartial.
I feel sure you would ONLY want to score any job in the firm due to MERIT as the best candidate. You would not want any taint of the suggestion that you scored any job due to Patronage nor Favoritism.
Also if you allow this type of behavior to go on too long then both his and your Judgement may be questioned.
I think your older senior colleague is engaging in potentially risky behavior, and has possibly done so before.
If your older colleague were to leave or die then you would no longer have your mentor and would become more vulnerable.
I am concerned that you are work colleagues but at a personal level you text each other a lot. That could be misunderstood if either of your text messages (especially if sexual content explicit) on phones were read by someone else in the company. Or if one of you lost their phone.
I think it is clear that he knows you are gay and he is very curious to know you more too. Is he in the closet at work too?
I think he may like you. But mostly i think he lusts for you. Tread carefully. At work be above reproach.
And if things turn sour it is likely you may need to go work for a different company. You do not need to be labeled 'has poor judgment so early in your career So take particular care. Check carefully. Date things. Keep good notes. Confirm things in writing. Keep your emails in sub-folders by who sent it.
And if this senior colleague, who buys you expensive presents, and who is concerned about sexual harassment charges against him, ever sends you a sexually explicit email NEVER reply by email. Because you do not know if he wil Blind Carbon Copy it to who? And ask him to stop sending such messages (if he does ever start you need to get it handled very professionally and careful so that you are not victimised for blowing the whistle.
Let this older guy down very tactfully and gently.
Tell the older guy you are happy to have a friendship at work that does not over-step the boundaries as it makes YOU too vulnerable to sexual harassment charge.
Men who are straight and men who are closeted gay do this all the time. Having a great mentor, advising them in the background is a great help. It often helps their career, but at work they dress well, immaculate grooming, wonderful manners. Professional approach to everything. Join the Sport team groups, go on the golf days and hold their tongue and laugh when off color jokes are told. Depends how ambitious you are. But the pragmatic approach above appears to work wonders for their careers.
If you want a permanent gay lover find him outside of work. And make sure he too can exercise sound judgment, is a good judge of character etc
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