| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: It has been 8 months ago. He saw me from across the room and it was love at first sight. We dated for 4 months and he told friends I was the one. I had also met his family and church members. He chose what house we were going to get, what dog we would compromise on and made plans for our future. He is a born again christian. I am agnostic but agree to christian values and principles. We had pre marital sex by accident while on holidays and from that exact moment he changed. He broke up a few weeks later saying that we weren't compatible and because I didn't fit the criteria i.e. I didn't like sports, being outdoorsy and not being religious. Although we had excellent chemistry and compatibility. Are these just excuses?He wanted to be friends. He said the reasons was because it didn't mean we wouldn't be together in the future. But I didn't communicate for 4 months. After I suggested we could be friends and he agreed and that was 3 months ago. Now he has messaged me to say he wishes me a merry xmas. He has been dating but no girl ever gets past the 2nd date. I am in the same predicament. Does he have a heart and head conflict? Are we still in love with one another? Or is it all over?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2006): poor you. This must be very confusing. Have you asked him whether he was angry with himself? He did change completely after that night so perhaps it is linked. Have you thought perhaps that you could become a bit more open and explore his beliefs? He has done something wrong and feels very bad. Perhaps send him in the direction of a pastor to be able to talk this through.
A
male
reader, childof1981  +, writes (26 December 2006):
 I am skeptical about the "We had pre marital sex by accident" statement. Things like that don't just happen by accident, you both made a choice that at least one of you seems to regret but to call it an accident is probably disengenous at best.
Your former boyfriend is probably in conflict because you both participated in an act that put his faith in conflict with his love. That can strike people with strong religious convictions like a ton of bricks, and probably caused the extreme reaction. He may actually blame you for his religious transgression because it is often easier to redirect ones own failures rather than facing them.
There may still be love there, but if love is being tempered by faith, guilt, or fear I think you will have a hard time getting back to where things were, especially if he associates you with a significant personal failing.
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