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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been seeing my current boyfriend for over a year now. We both love each other very much and he treats me like gold. He respects me, listens to me, tries his best to understand me and is extremely affectionate and loving. In the whole time that we have been seeing each other we have only had one major fight (obviously there have been several little arguments but those dissolved very quickly). However, he is 35, unemployed by choice and living with his parents. He moved back with this parents a few years ago in order to complete his Masters Degree and also to help with the building of their new house. He also runs errands for them and gets paid a 'token' for doing them. When I met him, he was also 'writing' a book. I eventually discovered he was still thinking about writing his book and hadn't actually started (although he does have several notebooks of ideas written down). Basically, 14 months on the house is finished, his Master's is finished and he's still living with his parents. We only see each other a few days a week as we live in different cities (only an hr away). He travels to see me every weekend and also attends some short courses at the local university. We have talked about him getting a job and him moving out of his parent's place, but it is beginning to seem as though it's only 'talk'. I don't try to bring up the subject because he doesn't take looking for a job as a number one priority, and usually comes up with these halfbaked ideas of taking up part-time work or some other 'student' type work. He said he would look into it for 2007 but now that it's fast approaching he is talking about finishing his novel first. He has also suggested we move in together. I am not so keen on this idea as I want a deeper commitment from him before I move in with him. This means either getting engaged or getting married, but think he is aware that I won't do either until he sorts out his job situation. Don't get me wrong, he always pays his way when it comes to eating out, groceries, holidays and even buys me little gifts. He doesn't pay any rent or bills though. I don't expect him to because he is only with me 4 days during the week and doesn't really earn any money, whereas I am paid very well as I work as a professional in the city. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to nag him or pressurise him. I suppose I am hoping he'll move out, get a job and propose in the next year, but it seems highly unlikely. I love him so much, but am I wasting my time?
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female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (7 November 2006):
 Hi there,
I do believe he is the type that will need a push/motivation to do things that is his weakness i am afraid. He has a non-chalant attitude towards his career.
You alone can answer the question if u are wasting your time or want to stay but what i can tell u is that he does need to change his frame of mind and move forward with his career either u can be there for him or not.
I think u need to find out what his long term career goal is. This will help u determine his field of interest and know what direction to guide him if u intend to stay with him.
I am guessing he is more inclined towards writing if so he needs to channel his energy towards this direction and dont have half-half distractions without having valued outcome like him still on his writing for sometime now and attending courses the same time.except those courses are making up the final picture of his aspirations.
I do hope others here can come up with other ways to help out. Do take care dear and goodluck
Take care dearie.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Take a step back, view the situation and pretend you are someone else watching this unfold. Now, how do you feel. It makes me feel sick. Sorry to be so blunt. He is having his cake and eat it. He could work, do a bit on his novel in some spare time. If you two could afford to get a place together in the future to make a completely new start that would be great but right now where do you go? It's all wait until tomorrow. I've been there before. Tomorrow never comes. They can be quite like Peter Pans in life. He needs to be moved out of his parents home and working before you even consider getting engaged. Another thing, at his age (35) he is starting to get a bit set in his ways so you may find he will never change. I hope it does all work out for you in the future, but don't hold out too many hopes and certainly don't abandon any dreams you have (possibly ones without him) Best Wishes
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