A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 18 years old, and I work with a 34 year old man that's very forward about the way I make him feel. We've been good friends for a while, but all of the sudden he started giving me a lot of compliments out of the blue. Like how cute or amazing I was. And it caught me off guard because I never saw him as anything other than an older friend at work. Then we went on "group" work hangouts, and clung by each other the whole time, and he started to ask me out to dinner and the movies, and said things like "If I were only ten years younger, I would do whatever it took to make you my girlfriend". So I brushed everything off because of the age difference. But the other night I got really drunk, and was stuck at a party with no ride home. So i called him because he said he'd be there whenever I needed him. So we ended up going out to eat, then to his house for a bonfire, then making out. We didn't go farther than making out, but we slept in the same bed that night and in the morning he asked for a big hug and told me thank you for such an amazing night. Then e texted me later and said I had the softest sweetest lips and he wanted to kiss them again. So my question is, by how much I told you, does he seem sincere? Or am I being used? The age difference is a lot, but is it too much and should I just end everything? I really just needed to vent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): Hi I hope you don't mind but I'm going to share my own experience of an older man with you to warn to what COULD happen. I know it is long but I want you to face this situation with the best knowledge you can.
Like you we met at work got along really well chatted at work & on msn. He was 32 & I was 21. He had kids from a previous relationship & from what I gather he didn't see much of them
He made it clear he liked me & when my relationship with my b/f of 3 years ended he was in there like a shot.
I did find it a bit flattering but now looking back on it I see him as a creep,I was just to caught up in the moment back then to notice.
Anyway whilst we were just dating he was fun,exciting & spoke about future plains he had for us (trips,moving in together ect.) & we spent a lot of time together.
Not long after we became official his attitude towards me & our relationship changed. He didn't like me going out with friends (he once threatened to drive almost 30 miles to come get me from a friends flat coz he did not like the fact my friends are male even though he knew 90% of my friends are before going out with me),started spending less time with me & acting secretively(as if he had someone else.)
Often saying he was ill or working when I wanted to see him.
I tried to break up with him because of all the above reasons but he pretty much emotionality black-mailed me into staying with him saying he was ill a lot because of an apparent on going custody battle with his ex over his two kids.
I stayed with him but nothing improved by the end up I felt like he only spent time with me to have sex & then leave.
So I managed to end it with him after a few hours of emotional black-mail yet again.
When we finally broke up my friend said these very profound words "I'm glad you got away from him coz he would have destroyed your life."
The way I now look back on this man & this relationship two years later is that he thought I was a nieve young girl who he could control,manipulate & use for sex.
Promise me the World & give me absolutely nothing.
He obviously though he could have some little bimbo hanging off his arm,that he could fob off with a cheap slap up meal now & again & that would make me happy,whilst he went off to fool around with whoever he wanted,I would stand faith-fully by his side.
He thought he was older,wiser & could out-smart me but I had his number.
Your guy sounds pretty much the same,am sorry to say!!
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 It is really hard to say - what worries me is that he never tried anything with you before, yet all of a sudden he is interested now; that is a warning sign to me, if he liked you he would have made it obvious from the start when you first met so it is rather odd that it has changed suddenly.
Also, he has said (in your words) "If I were only ten years younger, I would do whatever it took to make you my girlfriend" - which means he knows the age difference is too big therefore is not going to try to make you his girlfriend now. So if he doesnt want you as his girlfriend (because he is too old) then what does he want you for? The likely answer to that is sex for a FWB arrangement.
I think 2 things need to happen here.
1. You obviously like him, and I'm sure if he turned around and said he wanted you to be his girlfriend you would seriously consider it. So just in case that happens, you need to think logically about dating a man who is 16 years older than you.
When he turns 40, you are only going to be 24. When he turns 50, you will be 34. When he is 60, you will be 44. Do you really want to be dating a 50 year old when you are in your early 30's? In your 30's you should still be having fun, enjoying life but with a 50 year old he will have slowed down by then and wont want to be doing the same things that you will want to do.
Can you seriously imagine having children with him? He will be a very old dad when it comes around to you having kids. Is that really fair on the child? I believe that a dad should have the energy to run around the park with his child, play games, and generally keep up with the bundle of energy that is a child.
But imagine you are having kids with this man - you will be what, 25-30 when you have children so lets use the best case scenario (for his age) when you are 25 and he is 41. Worse case scenario and you are 30, he is 46. And that is just when the child is born! When the child is at his/her most active, daddy is going to be in his late 40's early 50's. Not the right age to be a parent to a young child.
I know we are thinking a long way into the future here, but you need to be logical when you consider such a big age gap. You cannot just think 'oh I'll worry about that later', get into a relationship with him and then panic when he tells you next year that he wants kids now before he is too old - you wont be ready to be a mum aged 19 so you will be in a huge mess about what to do. Thinking about the longevity of the relationship is important, you need to think properly about him and whether you could have a long term relationship.
2. Talk to him (once you have thought about the above). If you do decide you dont mind the age gap, you can see a future and you want to be with him - talk to him. There is a very good chance he is using you, after all what 34 man wouldnt want to show off to his mates that he is sleeping with an 18 year old?
So if you do decide you want to take this further - you have to make it clear to him that you like him more than a casual relationship and want to take this seriously. Once you have made it clear how you feel and what you want he should come clean about his intentions.
We cant say for sure if he is genuine or if he is using you. But it doesnt sound right to me, and if you air on the side of caution first you will come to the conclusion that a 34 year old man will typically end up using a 18 year old girl for sex and will then brag about it to his mates.
I had a fling with a guy 15 years older than me, I was 24 at the time and he was nearly 40. I liked him, and he took me out on dates a few times but it became clear that he couldnt take me seriously as girlfriend potential because I was too young, and he was just having fun with me and only wanted a casual relationship until he met a woman closer to his own age who he could be serious with.
So be careful - chances are he will be the same as the guy I met and your story will be like mine. If you like him make it very clear you want more than a casual relationship, and if he doesnt feel the same then move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): People have overcome bigger age gaps but just be on your guard. A friend of mine very recently got together with a man who was 14 years older than her but he started trying to control her and was just at different points in their lives. For a while she stayed with him but he was robbing her of the best years of her life, a 22 year old girl should be having fun and living for the moment and the relationship should be enjoyable but he wanted her in all the time. It was one friend telling her "he's turned into worse than your Dad was when you were 15" that made her realsise they just were not compatible. Whereas he wanted marriage and kids, which was touching, she wanted to start her career, see places around the world etc... But he'd done all that when he was her age!
Despite that I have come across people who have had big age gaps and it had worked, my family had neighbours where the guy was 35 and his wife was 48 and they were really happy and had a child together, but he met her when he was late 20's and said he had done all he wanted to and felt ready to settle down when he met her.
Only you know if it's what you want, I would guess you aren't that into the idea because the way you have written your question is a bit like you regret what's happened, but I may be wrong and if he treats you well and you genuinely are attracted to him then there is no reason not to give things a go. Good luck x
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