A
male
age
36-40,
*rdren
writes:Christ, where to start...With the cliche, I suppose. There's a girl. She's not like anyone I've ever met... beautiful like a marble statue, fresh as the morning dew, funny and clever, a free thinker with more than enough brains to keep up and a wide variety of cultural interests. We're doing a theatre piece together... a large ensemble musical, not a more intimate one. We went on a date last night, and it went well... hell, it went better than that. It was incredible. Went to a movie and then downtown for dinner, walking around a bit in between. Everything went, if not according to plan, then smoothly and naturally despite itself. At seven hours, the date never felt long... I paid for everything, and she appeared quite flattered when I complimented her looks. Her smile, especially later on, was so broad and deep I that I was afraid she might burst. It was the happiest night of my life.Then the next morning, I got a message on Facebook. She thanked me again for a wonderful night, and suggested that next time we go out with some more people. At first, this seemed like a good thing... she was already suggesting a next time, and having more people along could just be for a change in pace. I wrote back asking if we should invite a few each, or if she had anyone specific in mind. Her next reply, though, hit me with all the surprise and panic of a Blue Screen of Death. She stated outright, without me even asking, that we were just friends, and that she had no interest in a romantic relationship.Here, I might have made a mistake. Where I should have posted someplace like here first, instead I wrote her right back. I admitted that I did, indeed, feel something for her... that I was beyond help and couldn't change that, and that if she decides to hate me for it, she should do so without doubt or regret. That if she ever decided otherwise, I'd be there, waiting. Such an outburst of emotion was probably be unwise, but I suppose that's why they say 'love makes fools of us all.' I've always had larger-than-life emotions... Imagine Nicholas Cage in 'Moonstruck,' just with a tendency to poetry and musical expression. Less attractive than it sounds, apparently. I know I've probably said too much... but before the date, I reminded myself: "To thine own self be true." If I'm not myself around her, then how could I ever know if she loved me, or just who I pretended to be? But I digress. I wrote her, telling how I felt, telling her I would always be there waiting if she changed her mind, telling her not to pity me if she doesn't, since she'd given me more than I'd ever thought possible already. And then, in another message shortly after, I said to hell with it, and I asked her out again. It will probably be awhile before she answers, but... I fear the worst.Larger than life emotions or not, it's not always like this for me. In fact, I can only think of one time I've felt anything resembling what I do for her now. It was a bit over seven years ago... I was sixteen years old, and I fell in love with a girl from a youth group I went to. She was a home-schooler. I would go to her house every day, and we would talk for hours and hours. For a long time I never told her how I felt... it was enough to be with her, and to think I might always be with her. I had no reason to think that, I suppose... but belief is a powerful thing at that age. Eventually, she found another guy... I said things I probably shouldn't have. I asked how she could know she's in love with a guy she's only known for a week... and then, I gave up. I still cared for her, but I knew my affections caused her grief, and I couldn't bear to do that to her. And because I gave up, I died... inside, I died. It's taken me more than seven years to recover... and now, here I am again, in love in a way I thought it was impossible to encounter twice. And I know that if I give up, my heart will die yet again... but I can't cause her grief or harm. I couldn't bear to hurt anything so beautiful.In asking her out again, I'm doing something I haven't done since that first girl seven years ago... I've asked someone out again after the initial 'No.' But as women often say... 'not interested' tends to mean 'not interested.' Am I wrong to press? I'm almost to the point that I don't care if it's wrong or not... I'd be willing to die, to rot in a field with crows, if it could mean just one more evening with her. I want to keep asking, to hold on and never let go... but strong though she may be, she is also young and fragile. Hold on to hard, and I might smother her. I might break her. Like beast before beauty, I could destroy the thing I love.What should I do?
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 October 2010):
 I've been there, too. I've been ass over teakettle for a girl I was not dating. That way lies pain and celibacy. In the future, ask a girl out the moment you feel attraction for her (preferably before). Let your attachment build during the course of a relationship, not outside of one, where you're attracted more to the idea of dating her than to the actual girl.
Dude, no girl is worth this much emotion until you're actually dating. She is not *that* special, she is not a snowflake, she's just a chick who paid attention to you when you were feeling lonely. There are millions of other girls who are nicer, prettier, smarter, and more likely to be attracted to you.
I'm not saying that just to be a downer. Chicks are honestly put off by anyone who shows significantly more interest in them than they return. Never let a girl see that you care more than she does. If you can't control it, ignore her and ask out a different girl, one you can control yourself around.
Women are attracted to confidence, part of which is self-control. And once they've decided they are not attracted to you, you do not stand a chance until their biological clock hit 11:59.
Reread this:
"I'd be willing to die, to rot in a field with crows, if it could mean just one more evening with her. I want to keep asking, to hold on and never let go... but strong though she may be, she is also young and fragile. Hold on to hard, and I might smother her. I might break her. Like beast before beauty, I could destroy the thing I love."
It's great that you have a poetic streak, but this is exactly the sort of thing that puts girls off. I'm not saying to treat them like dirt, just to keep a firm rein on your emotions.
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