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male
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anonymous
writes: I am destroying our marriage.We are not long married and probably should have waited. My wife did not tell me everthing about her past until after we had fallen in love and i has asked her to marry me, I should have realised I could not handle it but we got married anyway as I thought I could handle it. She had an affair with a married man 20 years ago over an extended period and he had a young family and killed himself, I was told because of the realtionship. She them got involved with another married man who had two kids and she made him leave his wife to be with her. She has a child from this relationship that lasted 5 years. She slept with her builder 10 years ago despite knowing his wife. Then 6 years ago she was sleeping with a horrible person ( she hates these kind even today) obviously for sex and got pregnant after a month or two in this casual relationship. She kept the guy around and the realtionship got abusive which was a fore gone conclusion if you knew this guy. He still causes problems for us yet reporting us to police and social workers etc. Anyway I am not really jealous I do not think but hate her at times for what she has done because I cannot stand people interfering in marriages probably because that is how my folks split. I also hate her for going with this last guy and for keeping him around for 6 years. It is destoying our marriage, I do love her and want everything to work but I get really angry and say things I should not, no physical abuse though. What can I do to change thiss and make it work for both of us, now she is as unhappy as I am because she says I do not love her for who she is today.
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affair, her past, jealous, married man, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006): It seems that you are & will not accept the past of your wife. I believe that love can break all walls! You should find help by going to a marriage counselor or a professional to guide you to find ways to control your anger or/and unhappiness you feel in your soul! But if you know that your wife loves you is enough! If you can´t control the pain you have inside, then step away. Wishing you well.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (5 June 2006):
 It takes TWO to destory a marriage, so don't feel like you are the bad guy. She has as much fault to shoulder for the current situation.
Your wife brought a considerable amount of baggage into this relationship - you should ask her why she chose to reveal her past to you when she did. I don't know what attracted to her to married men in the past, but you have to make her reveal these reasons. Neither of you may realize this yet, but there is probably a lot of repressed hurt and anger in her, and it will require a LOT of effort from both of you to resolve it. If one or both of you chooses not to work at it, your marriage is doomed.
In order to have a successful relationship at any level, there has to be mutual trust. Otherwise there really is no point in continuing the relationship. I can see both of you having trust issues with the other now. I wish you both luck in navigating the rough seas that lay ahead of you.
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A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (4 June 2006):
 I think that your past affects your future. You make mistakes and do things you wish you could take back. This thing with your wife is her past and is long gone. Yes what she did was lack-luster but she is human. Are you flawless? You can't drive a car looking in the rear view mirror because you never see whats in front of you. Same deal with life. You can't progress looking in the past. Be aware of it YES but don't let it control you. Love your wife for your wife now! She wasn't your wife then. You might be just what she needed to put the finishing touches on her life. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, chachacha  +, writes (4 June 2006):
I think you should spend time listening to you wife about her various relationships - what led her into these relationships, what made her stay in them, how does she feel about them now, what has she learned from them.
Where a woman goes into relationships with married men and other unhappy relationships, there is usually something going on inside her mind which is unhappy.
If you love your wife, you should try to learn more about her, and find out what it is that is in her mind leading her to make unhappy choices.
Make her choise of you her first happy choice, by focusing your attention on the wonderful gift available to you of learning an awful lot about your wife - rather than criticising her and being angry with her. It's not as if she has done anything to you, so just learn to understand her.
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