A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 45 years old and married for 8 years. My wife told me about her past affair when we were dating. She also told me that she is not a virgin. When I met her she was not that interested in me and after my persistence she started to get involve with me. I was absolutely nuts about her till she told me about her past. I did bothered me but I was crazy about her and we got married. We had a great honeymoon and wonderful time but all along her past has been bothering me and cant forget about her past. I am even having sexual problem as I cant do it just after having thoughts of her being with some one els in past. She has been very loving, caring and supportive even in our troubled time. I have thrown her past many time on her face and later I felt bad about. I have tried working on it but no help. I love her too much and just want to keep my passion for her. This thing is eating me inside and my mind just cant accept it. Please advise me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): Thanks every one for advise. I really needed to fix my head.
A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (31 August 2009):
dont bother your self with her past aslong as she is faithfull to you now wich seems true..,
infact because of her past you are innitiating a good sexual life !!,
soo look at the good side of the fact and throw the bad side of it behind your back
and never bother your self with any one's past because past is over and we live in present !!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): Hello, I'm not a man, so this may not help. However, I'm in the opposite court. I'm a woman that has no past (not even a kiss or holding hands), except with the person I'm with. My culture is extremely traditional. He's not of my culture, and nearly 30. As you could imagine, he has a past. In the beginning, it bothered me slightly. Not enough to express it to him, because there was nothing he could of did to change it. It was my "hang-up." I did ask him if they were committed relationships or just flings. He had expressed to me, relationships. However, to be upfront with you, he's a very attractive man. I'm sure there may have been a fling or two in there, and probably a bit more people than he told me. I never asked his number, he decided to tell me (around 12). For me to ask details about what happened, never. That's none of my business (but if I asked I'm sure he would tell me). We did have talks about things he tried and liked, and maybe more crazier stuff he tried but for me to know specifics or with what GF - nope, and I don't need to know. Not because I'm in denial, or don't want to face the facts, but it isn't going to do anything for me. If anything I guess, no one wants to be just a number and the more people he's done certain things with, it's just a loss of intimacy.I think that's the problem with these posts that are similar to yours. It's not about so much the number or the physical acts, it's just we love our partners so much that depending on the things they did we just have so much respect for them and love, we can't see how they could demean themselves or disrespect their bodies in some ways.And it's not just sex, it's the fact that some other person in their lives made them smile, laugh, certain songs, memories, experiences. It's not jealousy what you're going through, it's just hurt. That's all.Our society, when you look at marriage, at one time it was a very intimate relationship. There was certain things in love you only shared with that person you're with (and I don't mean just physical). However, we're not in that place or time anymore. And it's not so much about accepting it, it's about tolerating it enough to realize that you're wife is worth it. Worth saying, she's not less of a person because of her choices. Worth it because you love her enough to just love her, for being her. The other thing you'd have to realize is life is too short to be worrying about that kind of thing. It is. Think about if something happened to your wife, today, and she's not here anymore - how much pain you'd go through. That's love, so stop stressing on the things you can't change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): yes you would be troubled by her past. i think a man, doesn't matter which culture, expects his wife to be pure, so you are no different from a so called western man.the past is the past. i am sure she is faithful now to you, maybe you both have kids as well. you need to make peace with this, or else it will destroy you. you cannot control your anger, disappointment, resentment even but you need to work at it and let it go. she was honest enough to tell you about her past. have you read the stories on this site, where some women hoodwink their men into believing the kids are theirs, or even virgins looking for a quick fix to restore their virginity. imagine if your wife claimed to be a virgin, you would be none the wise. she TRUSTED you enough to reveal her past, she loved you enough to be HONEST and she wanted no lies going into this marriage with you. you owe it to her and to yourself to move forward. you both have have a beautiful life together yet you see her past as her crime. you may just destroy your home in the process. you are jealous, and you may love her but you have tended to be mean with you throwing this filth on her face each time you are angry or you just want to make her suffer as much as you are now. if you obsess about her past it will destroy you, it may even lead to her seeking attention elsewhere. be careful of always be meaning her and belittling her. she needs YOUR STRONG ARMS to comfort her, she needs you to hold her and PROTECT her and she needs to ACCEPT her and TRUST her, as she trusted you in the beginning. be proud that your wife felt strongly in her moral fibre to be honest with you. this should be always in your mind- that she was honest enough with you from the start. you cannot fault her for this. in fact, be proud that she did not lie to you. her relationship is in the past. being with another man is a fleeting memory, why bring it up now. remember this- it is over, her past is her past. the love that you both share will be destroyed by you if you conitnue in this manner. lover her and cherish her - i believe she deserves to be loved fully and appreciated. do not let this past into your current life or the future, if you do, you will be ending your marriage sooner than you think. it was affected you to such an extent that it limits your sexual performance, once the sexual side goes down then what. just bitterness all around. please take her for a short holiday - away from normal work/life, and invest in your love and marriage. talk to her and you both need to reassure each other. YOU BOTH ARE SUFFERING, don't lose your precious love and marriage. make better memories and take time to cherish the love she has for you.i can write and write and write but it is you that needs to let go and you to realise the precious HONEST wife you have. she loved you enough to tell you about her past, now love her enough to let it go.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 August 2009):
 Sorry mate,
not much to tell you. You can spend a week on this site and see identical problems to yours. the guy writes in , he has been married for 2,3,5,10 20 years and is still obsessing over his wife's "past".
Of course the man's own past is never an issue, it is the wife's.
There is no solution friend, you do realise there is something wrong with you ( I will give you credit for that ) but by the same token you are taking it out on your faithful wife.
She is the one who is suffering here, not you.
The only suggestion is counselling, professional help to make you realise that you are being unreasonable.
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